KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)

KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)

By: Akshay A. Kalbag

Kaun Kisko Blame Karega?, which is abbreviated as KKBK, is a quiz show which features the Blue Billion and seven bigwigs from the cricketing fraternity in India. The Blue Billion is disappointed with the dismal performance of ‘the Men who gave us the Blues’ (a.k.a. the Indian cricket team) at the ongoing World Cup in the West Indies.

The show is not on air on any of the television channels (thankfully), but the venue is the headquarters of the Bored (sorry, Board) of Controlling Cricket in India (BCCI) and the contestants are Messrs. Sharad Pawar, Dilip Vengsarkar, Greg Chappell, Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Anil Kumble.

Even though these gentlemen need no introduction, public memory is short, and so the Blue Billion must be reminded that Pawar is the president of the BCCI, Vengsarkar is the chairman of the selectors (a.k.a. the five ‘not-so-wise’ men), Chappell was till recently the coach of the Indian cricket team, Dravid is the captain of Team India, Tendulkar is the vice-captain of Team India, Ganguly (the former captain of Team India) is currently the seniormost batsman in the squad and Kumble (who has recently announced his retirement from One-day International cricket) is the seniormost bowler in the squad.

Amidst taunts of ‘Ooh Aah India, Phir Haarke Aaya India’, the seven gentlemen and the seven gentlemen who have accompanied them to the studio, namely Messrs. Niranjan Shah, Raj Singh Dungarpur, Lalit Modi, Sanjay Jagdale, Ian Frazer, Virender Sehwag and Zaheer Khan, take their seats. None of them (obviously) have a clue about the questions that await them when each of them takes the ‘hot seat’.

The host of the show, whose name has been withheld on his request, proceeds to explain the rules of the game to the seven contestants and announces the ‘fastest finger first’ round. Greg Chappell, who seems to have the fastest fingers in the Indian cricketing fraternity, wins the round hands (oops, fingers) down.

He takes the ‘hot seat’, scowls (obviously because he is feeling the heat) and flashes the now-infamous middle finger to the crowd. The host looks at his computer and says, “Mr. Chappell, your first question is: how has your experience as the coach of Team India been so far?” and then says, “Your four options are: (A) a nightmare, (B) a disaster, (C) one of the worst experiences of my life and (D) unforgettable”. Chappell flashes the finger and says, “All of the above.” When the host says there is no fifth option, Chappell says “(A) a nightmare”. He is absolutely sure and confident about his answer and promptly asks the host to lock the answer. The answer is correct, and Chappell wins one thousand rupees.

The second question that flashes on his computer screen. It says, “Which team did India beat at the 2007 World Cup?”, followed by the four options, (A) Bangladesh, (B) Bermuda, (C) Sri Lanka and (D) the West Indies. Without looking at the options, he promptly yells, “(B) Bermuda”, and the host reminds him that the hapless Bermudans are the only team his wards managed to beat at cricket’s premier one-day tournament. Greg flares up again and threatens to quit the show with the prize money he has won so far, which is two thousand rupees.

The host of the show politely shows the ex-India coach the door, just as the latter had done to Sourav Ganguly soon after he took over as the coach of the Indian team.

After guru Greg’s exit, the host announces that it is time for a commercial break, and quickly adds that none of the sponsors of the show have cricketers as brand ambassadors, in strict adherence to the board’s policy that no cricketer can endorse more than three products. The decision was taken after India’s dismal performance at the World Cup earlier this year.

During the break, the cricketers regroup and get into a huddle. This is one of the better sights in Indian cricket, as the fans have off-late gotten used to seeing our players getting into a muddle on several occasions. The group then comes up with a plan to improve the team’s collective and individual performances and they also discuss the pros and cons of appointing a foreign coach vis-à-vis an Indian one, despite their two previous experiences with goras at the helm of affairs.

The board, which had to deal with the contrasting personalities of two white coaches (the composed John Wright and the volatile Greg Chappell) for a duration of about seven years, has now decided that enough is enough as far as the blame game is concerned.

In order to stem the rot that currently ails Indian cricket, they have appointed two Indian coaches since the disastrous 2007 World Cup campaign, as a stop-gap arrangement. One is Ravi Shastri, the former India all-rounder-turned-television commentator, and the other is Chandu Borde, who has worn many hats during his association with Indian cricket, both as a player and as a manager.

Here’s hoping their understanding of cricket in India and their vast experience augur well for the future.