Indian actresses evince interest in working in Bond movies

Indian actresses evince interest in working in Bond movies

Unofficial Hollywood sources, on conditions of strict anonymity, have finally revealed a little inside story. The hunky actor with the pierc(e)ing blue eyes, who plays James Bond, is looking for a new leading lady to be cast opposite him in his next film. The producers of the 007 franchise have sent word to several actresses, who would do just about anything for this once in a lifetime chance to bond with the best.

Bollywood, too, is very excited about an opportunity for one of its beauties to hit the big-time. The India-based agents of the producers of the 007 franchise have short-listed twelve mainstream Hindi film actresses as likely candidates to get their licence to thrill (and chill) with the handsome secret agent. These actresses wrote personal letters to Bond (Pierce Brosnan), who likes it "shaken, but not stirred", and expressed their interest in working in a James Bond flick.

Here's what they wrote to the spy. We cannot blame Bond if he is in a dilemma over which of the twelve Bollywood heroines he should choose to be cast opposite himself in his next movie.

1. Aishwarya Rai:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Aishwarya Rai, one of India's most popular and viv(ek)acious actresses. Before entering the movies, I was a beauty queen. My male fans never 'miss' my movies for the 'world'. After the initial years of struggle, during which I wore a pair of faded 'jeans', I finally hit the big-time with a couple of blockbusters from one of the most talented directors in this country, Sanjay Leela Bhansali. I was proud to be associated with one of the most expensive films ever made in India, Devdas. I believe I am an Indian actress with an international face. I am, however, hoping never to be associated with a man who proclaims his masculinity by adding the word 'man' as a suffix to his name (e.g. Sal'man' and Letter'man'.) You would have seen me on the Oprah Winfrey talk show, where I showed Oprah the right way to wear a saree. Is it okay with you if I perform my scenes as the next Bond girl in a saree, including the stunts? I am quite uncomfortable with kissing on screen as well, so I hope the directors would kindly keep that in mind. I hope my dreams of bonding with you do not end up in 'Ash'es.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Aishwarya Rai.

2. Amisha Patel:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Amisha Patel. I am basically a smart young woman, but I have a problem portraying both smartness and youth in my characters on screen. My directors think I am too mature for my age, and they accordingly give me mature and over-smart roles to play. Well, the less said about all my movies that released after my first two movies (to date, my two biggest hits), the better it would be for the both of us. I only hope you will boost my career by saying 'Kaho Naa ... Pyaar Hai' to me on screen. I think we will create Gadar together on screen. What say, Mr. Bond? As far as my personal life is concerned, there's a lot more happening there (problems with the family, a relationship with a director, etc.), which helps me stay in the news. As it is, my career graph is not 'rising', but it is continuously and steadily falling.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Amisha Patel.

3. Bipasha Basu:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Bipasha Basu, the leading lady with the hot 'jism'. You are no 'ajnabee' to me, and it is no 'raaz' that I would like to work with you. Having been a ramp model myself before entering the film industry, I am familiar with the adage that models cannot act, but that is absolutely untrue in my case. I can not only act, but I also sometimes tend to overact a bit. I have been involved in two wonderful relationships, and both the men are hunks. The first one was in the 'Dino'saur age, and I later said to him, "Yeh dil maange no More(a)". I am currently dating another model-turned-actor, John Abraham, and we're a hot pair who've created a bit of 'Dhoom' together. Though Bips' (that my nickname) heart flips only for John, I am willing to make an exception in your case. I am absolutely comfortable doing just about anything on screen.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Bipasha Basu.

4. Celina Jaitley:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Celina Jaitley. I made my debut in an Indian flick that had a very modern, international look. Fardeen Khan (my co-star), the violin, the superbikes, the hot women in bikinis-all these were reminiscent of a James Bond flick. But unfortunately, the Indian audience has a very short memory. It conveniently got a lot shorter when I enacted my role on screen. My performance was so utterly unbearable: my husky voice and my light eyes had no takers as it is, but when they portrayed me as a blind violinist on a beach wearing a skimpy swimsuit, the audience regretted spending so much money to watch me play my violin, which was out of tune. The public turned a deaf ear to my off-key violin playing ability (or the sore lack of it, perhaps) and also turned a blind eye to my supermodel figure that was on full display in that skimpy bikini. I agree that getting a part in a Bond movie is no child's 'khel', but I am certainly looking forward to prove my credentials as an actress. If I am accepted in Hollywood, I can also get married to a good-looking martial arts movie star, and thereby change my name to Celina Jet Li.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Celina Jaitley.

5. Kareena Kapoor:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Kareena Kapoor (a.k.a. Bebo), the babe with loads of attitude. My directors give me roles that give me ample scope to show off both my skin and my attitude. Well, the less said about all the movies I've acted in (except 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham') the better, because they're all like bad 'yaadein'. This is not the industry I have grown up in. Bollywood is like a 'refugee' camp, where talent is not appreciated if it happens to belong to a famous filmi family. Even 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham' (K3G) gave its entire cast and crew just that: 'kabhi khushi, bahut gham'. I have no 'aitraaz' in doing bold scenes on screen, but trust me, I will never be a 'bewafaa' to you. I would really love to be cast opposite you in your next film, as it is a matter of great honour and pride for any actress to be known as a Bond girl.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Kareena Kapoor.

6. Lara Dutta:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Lara Dutta, the former Miss Universe. I think I fit the bill perfectly for this role. This is because I am a tough, sporty woman who loves adventure sports. I am most comfortable doing dangerous stunts outdoors, just like the ones women are expected to perform in your movies. I am a desi Lara Croft, but unlike Angelina Jolie's feminine features, I look manly and talk in a deep voice. I enjoyed working in movies like 'Andaaz' and performing an item number in 'Khakee'. Will the Bond mive have an item number. James, please 'Kaal' me whenever you want to, and we'll discuss the script, etc. I am hoping we act together. We'll do a lot of 'masti' on the sets together.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Lara Dutta.

7. Mallika Sherawat:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Mallika Sherawat, Bollywood's hottest heroine to date. Bachke Rehna Re, Bond! I hail from Haryana, where women are conservative, and men treat them as if they were their hapless goats or cows. But I am bold, rebellious, strong, independent and sexy. In fact, I have no qualms about kissing on screen either, as I have created a record an Indian record of sorts for the maximum number of smooches in Bollywood movies (with seventeen kisses in my debut movie, 'Khwahish'). All my life, I have longed for a chance to work with you. I can get away with both 'murder' and hot scenes, and to prove that my credentials as an actress are not just a 'myth', I am now working with Jackie Chan, the actor from Hong Kong who is Hollywood's most successful star of Asian origin. I have a great body and I believe that if you have it, flaunt it. I am a reporter's dream, because of the spicy soundbytes I give at every interview.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Mallika Sherawat.

8. Preity Zinta:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Preity Zinta, it is my 'lakshya' to work with you. From the first day I stepped into Bollywood, I prayed 'dil se' that one day I would get a role opposite you. My 'dil chahta hai' that I become a Bond girl. 007 Zinta-baad! Hope you will invite me to read the script of your film preity soon.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Preity Zinta.

9. Priyanka Chopra:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Priyanka Chopra. I hope you have no problem if I come for the audition for the role of the new Bond girl. I have absolutely no 'aitraaz' doing any kind of role you offer me.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Priyanka Chopra.

10. Rani Mukherjee:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Rani Mukherjee. I am currently the Queen Bee reigining Bollywood. Whenever I think about you, 'kuch kuch hota hai'. In fact, 'bahut kuch hota hai'. I have been a huge fan of yours ever since I was younger. I do not mind even if I have to play the role of a 'ghulam' in a Bond film. Leta kya audition? Before I wrote this letter to you expressing my desire to star in a Bond movie, my life was like a 'paheli'. It was all black, until I discovered that you are the ray of hope for an actress like me. So what say, will your next film star 'hum' and 'tum'? Maybe you could name it 'Bondy aur Babli'.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Rani Mukherjee.

11. Shilpa Shetty:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Shilpa Shetty. I am willing to do anything to work in a Bond movie. I have been waiting for this chance for a very long time. I am hoping this character has a hot item number and some exciting stunts, which I am really looking forward to do. Phir Milenge.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Shilpa Shetty.

12. Urmila Matondkar:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Urmila Matondkar. I am always eager to take up something new and exciting, and I am sure this is naother wonderful opportunity to prove my acting abilities. Mr. Bond, I will, however, do this movie only on two conditions: firstly, m ust have an item number picturised on me like the one in the otherwise forgettable China Gate, and secondly, the director of the Bond movie must be our very own Ramuji (Ram Gopal Varma).

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Urmila Matondkar.

Are you wondering which one of these has been able to convince James Bond? I can't blame you, because I am too.

Remixes: A Temporary Fad

Remixes: A Temporary Fad

If you have been watching music videos on television or listening to any of the private FM radio stations these days, you would have seen or heard an increasing number of appalling and absolutely vulgar numbers doing the rounds on practically every show.

The procedure involved in making these cheap and crass songs is quite simple really. All you have to do is take an old Hindi film song, add a funky hip-hop beat with a rapper belting out some qite incomprehensible rubbish and get some nubile half-naked women to gyrate their well-toned hips to the tunes churned out by some deejay who seems to have little or no knowledge of his 'art' and has, in fact, made an entire career out of mutilating these great compositions of old maestros, just for the sake of filthy lucre.

It is, no doubt, proving to be a commercially successful venture for the concerned record company, music video director, DJ, singer(s) and models, but it is responsible for the sore lack of real talent in the modern-day music industry in India.

Remixes are a temporary fad. They will, sooner or later, be rejected by the genuine aficionados of music, because they are in extremely poor taste. Real music connoisseurs scoff at this as just a passing trend, which will soon fad away into oblivion. Public memory is too short anyway, and in case of such atrocious stuff, which is just made in the name of large-scale commercialisation of music these days, it is bound to be much shorter.

I, for one, would doff my hat to anyone who would care to show me one classy remix that has come out of any record company in the last few years.

Swapping a bat for a ladle is not every cricketer's cup of tea

Swapping a bat for a ladle is not every cricketer's cup of tea

'Master Blaster' Sachin Tendulkar has done it twice in Mumbai, Indian captain Sourav Ganguly has done it once in Kolkata and now it's the turn of India's left-arm medium pace-bowling spearhead Zaheer Khan, who is doing it in our very own city, Pune. No, please don't get any wild ideas: they have entered the restaurant business in a very big way!

But while we just have to wait and see how well (or badly) our cricketers' joints (and no, I am not referring to Tendulkar's elbows) are doing, I have a serious word of caution to a bunch of other players in the country who aspire to follow in the footsteps of Messrs. Tendulkar, Ganguly and Khan-please stick to playing cricket and do not even think about opening any more cricket-themed eateries, because swapping a bat (or a ball, as the case may be) for a ladle isn't every cricketer's cup of tea.

The list of top ten cricketers who should not even consider entering the restaurant business is as follows:

1. Mohammed Azharuddin: My apologies to Lou Bega (the singer who crooned Mambo No. 5) for twisting a line from his famous number, but this should explain why the former Indian skipper should refrain from starting an eatery: "A lot of Bijlani by his side, a little biryani can make him wide". Of course, the wristy Hyderabadi batsman, known for his penchant for fitness, could think of aplace that serves health food. An area into which Azhar shouldn't even think of venturing is bars and pubs, unless he wants to entertain drunken wags who'll go up to the bartender and say, "Hey, fix me a whisky with soda on the rocks!"

2. Rahul Dravid: Dada may be the captain, but his deputy is smart enough not to follow in the current Idian skipper's footsteps in everything he does. Dravid should ideally stick to his classy technique and impeccable temperament at the batting crease. It would be unwise for India's vice-captain to shift his focus to the business of dishing out food. if he has plans to open a restaurant in the future (post-retirement, that is), he should invest in a cricket-themed restaurant with his personal cricketing memorabilia adorning 'the Walls'. There's no cricket fan out there who wouldn't be up to the idea of jamming with Jammy.

3. Virender Sehwag: Veeru has two options if he wants to start a restaurant. One, he can set up a cosy place in the heart of Najafgarh that serves up hot home-cooked meals prepared by Sehwag ki maa. Secondly, he could consider opening a milk booth, where the sales of dairy products could 'Boost' the Nawab of Najafgarh's bank balance to a great extent. After all, doodh-shoodh peena padta hai. However, he should not consider both options. We cannot afford to have some (seh) wags knowing the secret of Veeru's energy.

4. Harbhajan Singh/Yuvraj Singh: Picture this: a hungry truck driver, driving down the national highway from Jalandhar to Chandigarh. He had had his last meal a long time ago, at a dhaba in Jaladhar, owned by India's ace off-spinner Harbhajan Singh. After pampering his taste-buds with some hot 'pav-Bhajji', he hits the road again and proceeds on the journey to Chandigarh. Once the truck driver reaches his destination, he wants to grab a quick bite again, before he can move on to the next town. He orders a tall glass of cool lassi at a restaurant owned by the young and dashing Punjab and India southpaw (Yuvraj Singh). This, he hopes will protect him from the harsh 'Yuvi' rays of the sun and keep him cool during the next leg of his journey. However, he learns a mutilated version of Newton's law the hard way: 'For every (supposedly illegal) action, there is an equal, opposite and doosra reaction'. He falls ill and wonders whether he should have just stayed at home and had a hot plate of bhajjis or (yuv) rajma instead.

5. Anil Kumble: If the engineer-turned-leg-spinner from Bangalore decides to enter the food business, most probably he will start a bakery, whose main activity would be baking cookies. Kumble is a toughie, and has never been known to k (r) umble (sorry, crumble) under pressure. However, although Jumbo has the record for the most number of Test wickets by an Indian bowler to his name, the cookies he'd bake should hopefully be more unpredictable that his googlies and leg-breaks. Well, here's hoping the cookie never k (r) umbles.

6. Vinod Kambli: A man is known by the company he keeps. Kambli is certainly in great company, because he can count master blaster Sachin Tendulkar as one of his childhood buddies. The flashy Mumbaikar, inspired by his best pal Tendulkar, will open a 'wada-pav' and 'cutting chai' stall opposite Tendulkar's (the restaurant) at Colaba in south Mumbai. After a promising start to his international cricketing career, he had faded out of public memory for a while. He then appeared in a Bollywood movie, which didn't exactly set the box office on fire. Since he hasn't heard from the national selectors for a long time, he can probably supply them a box of 'wada-pavs and glasses of piping hot cutting chai'. At least this is one alternative career for which he might get everyone's collective (Vi) nod.

7. V.V.S. Laxman: Why should the stylish Hyderabadi stay away from opening an eatery? The answer is simple: in the restaurant business, the competition is so cut-throat that you cannot afford to be a lax man. It is 281-derful that all VVS' colleagues have decided to enter the food business, but opening a restaurant is not as easy as a walk in the Eden Gardens. And, of course, there is the additional danger of another man who would come knocking at Laxman's door when he's least expecting it: the tax man. So it's a Very Very Special resquest to the Hyderabad batsman to concentrate on cementing his place in the Indian team and not to shift his focus onto the activities of the restaurant business.

8. L. Balaji/Irfan Pathan/Ashish Nehra: Trust India's young pace trio to come up with something fast. In an age where fast food, prompt service (with a toothy smile, thanks to Balaji) and speedy delivery are the keys to survival in the restaurant business, they will have to face some severe competition from the fast food giants. They'll only survive if Balaji can find enough 'laxmi' in the cash register, the (ir) fans are replaced by air-conditioners and of course, they have a steady supply of (a) shish kababs.

9. Ajit Agarkar: Time to bring on the appetising 'sol kadhi', sit back, relax and wait patiently for the 'bombil fry'. Does this ring a bell? Well, Mumbai's right-arm medium-pace bowler Ajit Agarkar's career in international cricket started off on a spectacular note in 1998, when he became the fastest bowler to reach fifty wickets in One-day Internationals. Well, that was the 'sol kadhi' bit. A year later, his batting became a sort of joke in some sections of the Australian press, when he scored ducks in five innings of a series of three Tests against the Aussies on India's tour Down Under. We saw our 'all-rounder' do just that: have a bunch of round figures (zeroes) to his name on the scoreboard. The skinny Mumbaikar was nicknamed 'Bombay Duck'. However, he scored a century against England at Lord's, the Mecca of cricket, in 2002. But Agarkar should not enter the restaurant business anyway, because if he does, he'd make his customers wait for a long time before doing something spectacular again.

10. Mohammed Kaif/Parthiv Patel/Dinesh Mongia/Murali Kartik: A unique partnership of sorts, indeed! Although the youngster from Allahabad, Mohammed Kaif, is one of the fittest young cricketers and probably one of the fastest runners between the wickets, a 'Kaifetaria' ia not a suitable business option for him. It will take its own time and the food served there would not find favour with even the most hard-core fitness freaks. As for the others, customers would find Parthiv Patel's fare quite unpalatable. They would be as eager to part (hiv) with the young Gujarat wicket-keeper as the national selectors did. One more thing that could go against Parthiv is that his staff would be encouraged to take a leaf out of their boss' books. it won't be surprising if they keep dropping cutlery and crockery, just like Patel dropped catches behind the stumps. As for Dinesh Mongia, the handsome Punjabi from Chandigarh is quite 'dishy' himself, so the customers, especially the ladies, would go to the dashing left-hander's restaurant just to see if he is there. They'd come back having had their fill of the attractive cricketer, who would be more appealing to the eye than the dishes on the table. Well, if he ventures out of Punjab, he could think of setting up two branches of his restaurant, one in Lancashire and the other in Leicestershire, but of course, he'd have to withstand the competition from other Asians who serve up hot Indian curry, the current favourite among Britons. His attempts to 'curry' favour with the Indian selectors would go in vain as well. Meanwhile, Murali Kartik, the Railways left-arm spinner, will not even be able to get the green signal from the restaurant authorities. He will need a better 'platform' to exhibit his talent and get back into the team.

As cricket is considered to be a religion in India, these restaurants, started by the above-mentioned cricketers, will not be open on the days when the Indian team is playing a cricket match, as the waiters, chefs, etc. would be very busy watching their bosses play. In fact, they may even get motivated to pad up, swap their ladles, aprons and chef's hats for bats, pads, batting gloves and helmets and go out onto the field themselves, given the poor results on the Indian team in some recent matches. They may start thinking, "if these players can do it, then why can't we?"

KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)

KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)

By: Akshay A. Kalbag

Kaun Kisko Blame Karega?, which is abbreviated as KKBK, is a quiz show which features the Blue Billion and seven bigwigs from the cricketing fraternity in India. The Blue Billion is disappointed with the dismal performance of ‘the Men who gave us the Blues’ (a.k.a. the Indian cricket team) at the ongoing World Cup in the West Indies.

The show is not on air on any of the television channels (thankfully), but the venue is the headquarters of the Bored (sorry, Board) of Controlling Cricket in India (BCCI) and the contestants are Messrs. Sharad Pawar, Dilip Vengsarkar, Greg Chappell, Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Anil Kumble.

Even though these gentlemen need no introduction, public memory is short, and so the Blue Billion must be reminded that Pawar is the president of the BCCI, Vengsarkar is the chairman of the selectors (a.k.a. the five ‘not-so-wise’ men), Chappell was till recently the coach of the Indian cricket team, Dravid is the captain of Team India, Tendulkar is the vice-captain of Team India, Ganguly (the former captain of Team India) is currently the seniormost batsman in the squad and Kumble (who has recently announced his retirement from One-day International cricket) is the seniormost bowler in the squad.

Amidst taunts of ‘Ooh Aah India, Phir Haarke Aaya India’, the seven gentlemen and the seven gentlemen who have accompanied them to the studio, namely Messrs. Niranjan Shah, Raj Singh Dungarpur, Lalit Modi, Sanjay Jagdale, Ian Frazer, Virender Sehwag and Zaheer Khan, take their seats. None of them (obviously) have a clue about the questions that await them when each of them takes the ‘hot seat’.

The host of the show, whose name has been withheld on his request, proceeds to explain the rules of the game to the seven contestants and announces the ‘fastest finger first’ round. Greg Chappell, who seems to have the fastest fingers in the Indian cricketing fraternity, wins the round hands (oops, fingers) down.

He takes the ‘hot seat’, scowls (obviously because he is feeling the heat) and flashes the now-infamous middle finger to the crowd. The host looks at his computer and says, “Mr. Chappell, your first question is: how has your experience as the coach of Team India been so far?” and then says, “Your four options are: (A) a nightmare, (B) a disaster, (C) one of the worst experiences of my life and (D) unforgettable”. Chappell flashes the finger and says, “All of the above.” When the host says there is no fifth option, Chappell says “(A) a nightmare”. He is absolutely sure and confident about his answer and promptly asks the host to lock the answer. The answer is correct, and Chappell wins one thousand rupees.

The second question that flashes on his computer screen. It says, “Which team did India beat at the 2007 World Cup?”, followed by the four options, (A) Bangladesh, (B) Bermuda, (C) Sri Lanka and (D) the West Indies. Without looking at the options, he promptly yells, “(B) Bermuda”, and the host reminds him that the hapless Bermudans are the only team his wards managed to beat at cricket’s premier one-day tournament. Greg flares up again and threatens to quit the show with the prize money he has won so far, which is two thousand rupees.

The host of the show politely shows the ex-India coach the door, just as the latter had done to Sourav Ganguly soon after he took over as the coach of the Indian team.

After guru Greg’s exit, the host announces that it is time for a commercial break, and quickly adds that none of the sponsors of the show have cricketers as brand ambassadors, in strict adherence to the board’s policy that no cricketer can endorse more than three products. The decision was taken after India’s dismal performance at the World Cup earlier this year.

During the break, the cricketers regroup and get into a huddle. This is one of the better sights in Indian cricket, as the fans have off-late gotten used to seeing our players getting into a muddle on several occasions. The group then comes up with a plan to improve the team’s collective and individual performances and they also discuss the pros and cons of appointing a foreign coach vis-à-vis an Indian one, despite their two previous experiences with goras at the helm of affairs.

The board, which had to deal with the contrasting personalities of two white coaches (the composed John Wright and the volatile Greg Chappell) for a duration of about seven years, has now decided that enough is enough as far as the blame game is concerned.

In order to stem the rot that currently ails Indian cricket, they have appointed two Indian coaches since the disastrous 2007 World Cup campaign, as a stop-gap arrangement. One is Ravi Shastri, the former India all-rounder-turned-television commentator, and the other is Chandu Borde, who has worn many hats during his association with Indian cricket, both as a player and as a manager.

Here’s hoping their understanding of cricket in India and their vast experience augur well for the future.