Place: Mumbai
Date: xx/xx/2005
Namaskar Mandali,
Mee Mumbaikar. Dabbawallah. Bole toh, one of the people who are in the tiffin delivery business. We supply tiffins containing hot meals to thousands of hungry office-goers in the city of Mumbai every day.
Mee, bole toh Mumbai Dabbawallah Association ka president. Solid vat hai, boss! A typical day in the life of a Mumbai dabbawallah begins around 7.00 a.m., six days a week. After going from door to door and collecting te tiffins containing home-made food for delivery to various offices, we catch the 8:00 a.m. Dadar fast local train and read Churchgate in about an hour, deliver all the tiffins and return by the afternoon. Our boys cover all the areas in Mumbai.
One morning, all the newspapers excitedly brought out a headline on their front pages, which said that Britain's Yuvraj Charlekar (bole toh apun ka Prince Charles) was scheduled to arrive in Mumbai that day. All of us were very excited about Charlekar's visit to Mumbai after a long time. Why were we so thrilled? Charlekar, sitting in his plush chamber at the Buckingham Palace, had read a newspaper report on Mumbai's dabbawallahs and wanted to meet us during his stay in the city. He invited my colleague and me to his wedding. We gladly accepted the invitation to go to Britain as his personal guests. He promised us that he would personally look after us, and that we would be treated as though we are some Indian rajahs ourselves.
On the day of our departure to London, bole toh apun ka graduation ho gaya. From Mumbai ke local train ka second-class compartment to Yuvraj Charlekar ka private jet. The second part of this entry is about our experiences at Charlekar's second wedding.
Place: Buckingham Palace, Britain
Date: xx/xx/2005
Mee, bole toh Mumbai Dabbawallah Association ka president, writing this entry at the huge desk in the guest room of Charlekar's palace in the United Kingdom. Today is the wedding of Yuvraj Charlekar and his long-time mistress Kamlabai Parkar-Bole. Both are into their second m arriages. Charlekar was, if you recall, married to Princess Diana (whom he calls Princess Daayan), who is, sadly, no longer in our midst today, due to her death in a tragic accident. Actually it is a blessing in disguise, because poor Di would not have been able to bear the thought of her husband marrying an older and more hideous woman. They also have two sons, Billu and Hari (bole toh, William and Harry).
Kamlabai, on the other hand, also has two children form her previous marriage. They are now step-siblings to princes Billu and Hari. Anyway, the wedding went off quite well with just one small hitch: Britain's maharani, Queen Elizabeth, bole toh Charlekar ki maa, didn't show up at her son's wedding with Kamlabai, because she doesn't approve of "that other woman" as his bride, and by extension, the Queen of England.
We gifted the couple a steel dabba. We're poor people, so please don't expect us to present them a gold-plated one. We then returned to Mumbai by the same private jet that's owned by Charlekar.
All members of the Dabbawallah Association of Mumbai wish Yuvraj Charlekar and Kamlabai Parker-Bole a very long, happy and successful married life!!!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Indian Demo-Crazy: The Woes of a Citizen
The former president of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln, defined a democratic government as "a government of the people, for the people and by the people". But poor Lincoln must be turning in his grave on seeing how our Indian politicians have redefined democracy. In the Indian context, the word democracy is defined as "a form of government that puts off the people, is far away from the people and bids goodbye to the people". A stable government is a rarity these days. India is the world's largest democracy (or should I say 'demo-crazy'?)
Even the elections held in the month of April 2004 threw up an unexpected surprise. The Divided Regressive Split government, which was misleadingly named the United Progressive Alliance (UPA), came to power at the Centre, led by a brilliant and refreshingly honest 'Man'. But alas, after one year in power, the economist who became India's prime minister now seems like a puppet in the hands of a foreigner. It is a great excuse for the opposition leaders to raise the issue of the foreign hand in Parliament. This foreign hand, as long as it continues to hold the PM's reins, will ensure that the government will always be 'Sonia' to the targets it has to achieve, yet it will always remain far away from achieving them.
An Indian politician has for long been perceived as a corrupt unscrupulous person without either morals or remorse. Parliament has become a safe haven for such (La)loose characters, who are involved in so many scams that it has almost become a part of their resumes. For instance, it is 'fodder' for thought that the former chief mnister of Bihar, who later had his wife, a mother of nine, sworn in for the coveted post, eventually became the Union Minister for Railways in the present government. The question is: who gave the dishonourable minister the green signal to take the hapless Indian citizens for a (train) ride? And the lady who was once in power in Patna-well, her name sounds like that of a popular dessert, but the experience in the state of Bihar during the couple's tenure has been bitter. But as the man himself would quip, "Kaa karen, aur kounu chaara hi nahin hai na?"
On the other hand, we also have a contrasting image of the leaders who are as spotless as their crisp white dhoti-kurtas. But they are, sadly but truly, a rare and almost extinct breed now. One such shining example is our brilliant finance minister. He is the onl person in the entire cbinet with some credibility and who is worthy of being called an honourable minister. Mr. P. Chidambaram is a veteran and has held the finance minister's portfolio in the past as well. But the pressure is on him to prove himself as the only squeaky-clean leader amongst the ruffians in the political wrestling ring. He has to use his intelligence to bring India out of its long-standing fiscal deficit. He also has to work in tandem with the prime minister, Dr. Manmohan Sngh (himself a noted economist) and also, of course, with the real P.M., Madam Sonia Gandhi, whose Italian origin will continue to be the bone of contention for the leaders of the opposition parties.
I hope the current governemt, unlike some of its predecessors, remains 'Atal' and does not end up becoming a victim of its own (Ad)vanities. But for now, all I can say is Indian politics will be able to see the (Thacke)ray of light at the end of the tunnel only when our netas in Delhi, irrespective of whether they belong to the ruling party and the opposition, stop chatter(jee)ing when (Lok Sabha Speaker) Somnath is in his chair.
Even the elections held in the month of April 2004 threw up an unexpected surprise. The Divided Regressive Split government, which was misleadingly named the United Progressive Alliance (UPA), came to power at the Centre, led by a brilliant and refreshingly honest 'Man'. But alas, after one year in power, the economist who became India's prime minister now seems like a puppet in the hands of a foreigner. It is a great excuse for the opposition leaders to raise the issue of the foreign hand in Parliament. This foreign hand, as long as it continues to hold the PM's reins, will ensure that the government will always be 'Sonia' to the targets it has to achieve, yet it will always remain far away from achieving them.
An Indian politician has for long been perceived as a corrupt unscrupulous person without either morals or remorse. Parliament has become a safe haven for such (La)loose characters, who are involved in so many scams that it has almost become a part of their resumes. For instance, it is 'fodder' for thought that the former chief mnister of Bihar, who later had his wife, a mother of nine, sworn in for the coveted post, eventually became the Union Minister for Railways in the present government. The question is: who gave the dishonourable minister the green signal to take the hapless Indian citizens for a (train) ride? And the lady who was once in power in Patna-well, her name sounds like that of a popular dessert, but the experience in the state of Bihar during the couple's tenure has been bitter. But as the man himself would quip, "Kaa karen, aur kounu chaara hi nahin hai na?"
On the other hand, we also have a contrasting image of the leaders who are as spotless as their crisp white dhoti-kurtas. But they are, sadly but truly, a rare and almost extinct breed now. One such shining example is our brilliant finance minister. He is the onl person in the entire cbinet with some credibility and who is worthy of being called an honourable minister. Mr. P. Chidambaram is a veteran and has held the finance minister's portfolio in the past as well. But the pressure is on him to prove himself as the only squeaky-clean leader amongst the ruffians in the political wrestling ring. He has to use his intelligence to bring India out of its long-standing fiscal deficit. He also has to work in tandem with the prime minister, Dr. Manmohan Sngh (himself a noted economist) and also, of course, with the real P.M., Madam Sonia Gandhi, whose Italian origin will continue to be the bone of contention for the leaders of the opposition parties.
I hope the current governemt, unlike some of its predecessors, remains 'Atal' and does not end up becoming a victim of its own (Ad)vanities. But for now, all I can say is Indian politics will be able to see the (Thacke)ray of light at the end of the tunnel only when our netas in Delhi, irrespective of whether they belong to the ruling party and the opposition, stop chatter(jee)ing when (Lok Sabha Speaker) Somnath is in his chair.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Revamping Ranji Trophy Cricket
In countries like Australia, England and South Africa, the competitive first-class cricket structure is the most important reason why these teams have been enjoying a lot of success in all forms of the game off-late. Their domestic competitions throw up a lot of competent reserve players, who can be given Test or One-day International caps whenever a player is injured or rested (or in some cases, dropped for disciplinary reasons). For example, when the legendary Australian leg-spinner Shane Warne was serving a one-year ban for testing positive for a banned substance in a dope test conducted during the World Cup in 2003, he was immediately replaced by another young and talented player in the side, because Australian domestic cricket has plenty of such prospects who are ready and eagerly waiting to grab every opportunity to prove themselves.
Apart from the usual domestic competitions like the County Championship in England and the ones featuring the Australian state sides and the South African provinces, these countries have also started becoming a lot more innovative with their domestic one-day cricket. They have introduced a competition in which their domestic teams are divided into two divisions. They play all the teams in their group to qualify for the latter stages of the tournament. The top team in the second division is promoted to the first division based on its performance and the bottom team in the first division is relegated to the second division. This is an incentive for all the counties, states or provinces to maintain their good performance of the previous season and constantly try to improve. The players then work harder and constantly try to get better, not only in their respective departments of specialisation (that is, the batsmen try to score runs more consistently, the fast bowlers work harder to bowl faster and take more wickets and the spin bowlers also work harder to add to their tally of wickets and add more variety to their armoury of deliveries), but the standards of fielding and fitness levels of these players also improve considerably.
The Twenty20 version of cricket has revolutionised the way one-day cricket is played in some countries, including the ones mentioned above. It is an innovative concept in which the matches are played over just three hours instead of the whole day or over a number of days. The players have to score as many runs as they can in the allotted twenty overs. There are new rules for fielding restrictions as well in this new format. It was, ironically, started in England (the birthplace of the sport as a whole), which, for a long time, was considered to be a pretty traditional cricketing nation (however, that impression is, slowly but surely, changing now.) Since then, it has caught on in Australia, South Africa and Pakistan. Twenty20 cricket tournaments are expected to be organised in other countries as well over a period of time. It is a great chance for players who are known to score runs quickly and heavily, like New Zealand all-rounder Chris Cairns, Australian wicket-keeper/batsman Adam Gilchrist, Australia's Matthew Hayden, Indian opener Virender Sehwag, Pakistani all-rounder Shahid Afridi and former Sri Lankan captain Sanath Jayasuriya, to name a few, to match wits with bowlers, many of whom are normally mean and economical in their bowling analysis, such as ace Sri Lankan off-spinner Muttiah Muralitharan, Australian pace spearheads Glenn McGrath, Brett Lee and Jason Gillespie, South African fast bowlers Shaun Pollock and Makhaya Ntini, Sri Lanka's Chaminda Vaas, Indian left-armers Zaheer Khan and Irfan Pathan and Pakistani pacers Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammed Sami, among others. The Twenty20 format would prove to be a great boost to the careers of all-rounders because it is basically a format in which the team needs players who can adapt quickly, score, heavily and then try to bowl the opposition out as quickly as possible. The Twenty20 Cup also attracts a lot of eyeballs on television and is a lucrative option for sponsors.
Coming back to the main point of this topic, I am of the opinion that Indian domestic cricket needs a serious revamp, and the changes have to be drastic, not makeshift ones. As a cricket fan, I would any dad prefer to watch an English County Championship match or a Twenty20 Cup match on television or view the scoreboard online rather than follow my own city (Mumbai) or state (Maharashtra) team's performance in India's premier domestic cricket competition, namely the Ranji Trophy. In fact, it is not surprising that very few people watch the Ranji Trophy, Duleep Trophy and Irani Trophy matches. Firstly, the tickets to a match played at Mumbai's Wankhede Stadium or at the Eden Gardens in Kolkata are very expensive and beyond the reach of the common Indian cricket fan. Secondly, most of these matches are not telecast on Doordarshan, unlike the matches that are played by the county sides in England, which are shown every season on ESPN-Star Sports.
Our weak domestic structure is also clearly divided on elitist lines, with the traditional cricketing powerhouses such as Mumbai, Delhi, Karnataka, Hyderabad, Bengal, Tamil Nadu, Punjab, Railways, etc. in the Elite Group, and the weaker teams in the Plate Group. Within these two groups also, there is a distinction that seems pretty unfair. The Elite 'A' and Elite 'B' groups have teams that have Indian internationals in their ranks (whenever they play domestic cricket) and teams that have players who have either played a few international matches or are on the verge of making it to the senior Indian squad. Even though both the Plate 'A' group and the Plate 'B' group have weak teams and do not have many star players to boast of, the Plate 'A' group represents the stronger teams amongst the minnows of Indian domestic cricket. Money is possibly the primary factor that influences this distinction, considering that the Board for Control of Cricket in India (BCCI) and its former president, Jagmohan Dalmiya are the richest cricket administrators in the world.
These are my suggestions to revamp the Ranji Trophy tournament in India:
India should introduce Twenty20 Cup cricket in one of its forthcoming domestic seasons, and telecast the matches live on the sports channels, as they are done live from England on ESPN-Star Sports when the county teams are playing. This will not only attract more eyeballs on television, but also the Indian team's star players might be interested in playing for their state sides, just like in England, where their cricketers play domestic cricket, turning out for their counties despite a busy international schedule.
An experimental tournament must be organised like the one conducted by the Indian Hockey Federation (IHF) earlier this year. The Premier Hockey League (PHL) was quite successful in attracting a lot of sponsors and viewership increased as well. The hockey administrators in the country were thus able to revive the country's (waning)interest in its official national sport by organising the PHL tournament. India's cricketers must be divided into five zonal teams, namely the Central Zone, the East Zone, the North Zone, the South Zone and the West Zone. They should be given interesting names and coloured clothing, limited overs, white balls, substitutions, etc. must be allowed. The matches should be played under floodlights. The captain of each of the five zonal teams should be a member of Team India, viz Mohammed Kaif (Central Zone), Sourav Ganguly (East Zone), Virender Sehwag (North Zone), Rahul Dravid (South Zone) and Sachin Tendulkar (West Zone).
The coaches must be appointed either from these zones or ex-cricketers should be in charge of all the five teams. The current India coach, Greg Chappell (the former Australian batsman and captain), should lso be taken into confidence as well.
It would also be a good idea to invite players from Bangaldesh, Kenya and Zimbabwe and 'A' team players from other countries to play in this tournament. It would also give them a lot of international exposure, as the Indian conditions are among the toughest conditions to adapt to for a touring party from another country.
I would like India's cricket authorities to take up this matter very strongly, as our cricket structure needs a booster shot for it to improve and our players to be more equipped to go on tours abroad. The results of Team India off late have been pretty inconsistent, and a core group of sorts has emerged in the Indian team, with the same twenty names with a few minor changes making it to every list of probables announced by the board.
Apart from the usual domestic competitions like the County Championship in England and the ones featuring the Australian state sides and the South African provinces, these countries have also started becoming a lot more innovative with their domestic one-day cricket. They have introduced a competition in which their domestic teams are divided into two divisions. They play all the teams in their group to qualify for the latter stages of the tournament. The top team in the second division is promoted to the first division based on its performance and the bottom team in the first division is relegated to the second division. This is an incentive for all the counties, states or provinces to maintain their good performance of the previous season and constantly try to improve. The players then work harder and constantly try to get better, not only in their respective departments of specialisation (that is, the batsmen try to score runs more consistently, the fast bowlers work harder to bowl faster and take more wickets and the spin bowlers also work harder to add to their tally of wickets and add more variety to their armoury of deliveries), but the standards of fielding and fitness levels of these players also improve considerably.
The Twenty20 version of cricket has revolutionised the way one-day cricket is played in some countries, including the ones mentioned above. It is an innovative concept in which the matches are played over just three hours instead of the whole day or over a number of days. The players have to score as many runs as they can in the allotted twenty overs. There are new rules for fielding restrictions as well in this new format. It was, ironically, started in England (the birthplace of the sport as a whole), which, for a long time, was considered to be a pretty traditional cricketing nation (however, that impression is, slowly but surely, changing now.) Since then, it has caught on in Australia, South Africa and Pakistan. Twenty20 cricket tournaments are expected to be organised in other countries as well over a period of time. It is a great chance for players who are known to score runs quickly and heavily, like New Zealand all-rounder Chris Cairns, Australian wicket-keeper/batsman Adam Gilchrist, Australia's Matthew Hayden, Indian opener Virender Sehwag, Pakistani all-rounder Shahid Afridi and former Sri Lankan captain Sanath Jayasuriya, to name a few, to match wits with bowlers, many of whom are normally mean and economical in their bowling analysis, such as ace Sri Lankan off-spinner Muttiah Muralitharan, Australian pace spearheads Glenn McGrath, Brett Lee and Jason Gillespie, South African fast bowlers Shaun Pollock and Makhaya Ntini, Sri Lanka's Chaminda Vaas, Indian left-armers Zaheer Khan and Irfan Pathan and Pakistani pacers Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammed Sami, among others. The Twenty20 format would prove to be a great boost to the careers of all-rounders because it is basically a format in which the team needs players who can adapt quickly, score, heavily and then try to bowl the opposition out as quickly as possible. The Twenty20 Cup also attracts a lot of eyeballs on television and is a lucrative option for sponsors.
Coming back to the main point of this topic, I am of the opinion that Indian domestic cricket needs a serious revamp, and the changes have to be drastic, not makeshift ones. As a cricket fan, I would any dad prefer to watch an English County Championship match or a Twenty20 Cup match on television or view the scoreboard online rather than follow my own city (Mumbai) or state (Maharashtra) team's performance in India's premier domestic cricket competition, namely the Ranji Trophy. In fact, it is not surprising that very few people watch the Ranji Trophy, Duleep Trophy and Irani Trophy matches. Firstly, the tickets to a match played at Mumbai's Wankhede Stadium or at the Eden Gardens in Kolkata are very expensive and beyond the reach of the common Indian cricket fan. Secondly, most of these matches are not telecast on Doordarshan, unlike the matches that are played by the county sides in England, which are shown every season on ESPN-Star Sports.
Our weak domestic structure is also clearly divided on elitist lines, with the traditional cricketing powerhouses such as Mumbai, Delhi, Karnataka, Hyderabad, Bengal, Tamil Nadu, Punjab, Railways, etc. in the Elite Group, and the weaker teams in the Plate Group. Within these two groups also, there is a distinction that seems pretty unfair. The Elite 'A' and Elite 'B' groups have teams that have Indian internationals in their ranks (whenever they play domestic cricket) and teams that have players who have either played a few international matches or are on the verge of making it to the senior Indian squad. Even though both the Plate 'A' group and the Plate 'B' group have weak teams and do not have many star players to boast of, the Plate 'A' group represents the stronger teams amongst the minnows of Indian domestic cricket. Money is possibly the primary factor that influences this distinction, considering that the Board for Control of Cricket in India (BCCI) and its former president, Jagmohan Dalmiya are the richest cricket administrators in the world.
These are my suggestions to revamp the Ranji Trophy tournament in India:
India should introduce Twenty20 Cup cricket in one of its forthcoming domestic seasons, and telecast the matches live on the sports channels, as they are done live from England on ESPN-Star Sports when the county teams are playing. This will not only attract more eyeballs on television, but also the Indian team's star players might be interested in playing for their state sides, just like in England, where their cricketers play domestic cricket, turning out for their counties despite a busy international schedule.
An experimental tournament must be organised like the one conducted by the Indian Hockey Federation (IHF) earlier this year. The Premier Hockey League (PHL) was quite successful in attracting a lot of sponsors and viewership increased as well. The hockey administrators in the country were thus able to revive the country's (waning)interest in its official national sport by organising the PHL tournament. India's cricketers must be divided into five zonal teams, namely the Central Zone, the East Zone, the North Zone, the South Zone and the West Zone. They should be given interesting names and coloured clothing, limited overs, white balls, substitutions, etc. must be allowed. The matches should be played under floodlights. The captain of each of the five zonal teams should be a member of Team India, viz Mohammed Kaif (Central Zone), Sourav Ganguly (East Zone), Virender Sehwag (North Zone), Rahul Dravid (South Zone) and Sachin Tendulkar (West Zone).
The coaches must be appointed either from these zones or ex-cricketers should be in charge of all the five teams. The current India coach, Greg Chappell (the former Australian batsman and captain), should lso be taken into confidence as well.
It would also be a good idea to invite players from Bangaldesh, Kenya and Zimbabwe and 'A' team players from other countries to play in this tournament. It would also give them a lot of international exposure, as the Indian conditions are among the toughest conditions to adapt to for a touring party from another country.
I would like India's cricket authorities to take up this matter very strongly, as our cricket structure needs a booster shot for it to improve and our players to be more equipped to go on tours abroad. The results of Team India off late have been pretty inconsistent, and a core group of sorts has emerged in the Indian team, with the same twenty names with a few minor changes making it to every list of probables announced by the board.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Indian actresses evince interest in working in Bond movies
Indian actresses evince interest in working in Bond movies
Unofficial Hollywood sources, on conditions of strict anonymity, have finally revealed a little inside story. The hunky actor with the pierc(e)ing blue eyes, who plays James Bond, is looking for a new leading lady to be cast opposite him in his next film. The producers of the 007 franchise have sent word to several actresses, who would do just about anything for this once in a lifetime chance to bond with the best.
Bollywood, too, is very excited about an opportunity for one of its beauties to hit the big-time. The India-based agents of the producers of the 007 franchise have short-listed twelve mainstream Hindi film actresses as likely candidates to get their licence to thrill (and chill) with the handsome secret agent. These actresses wrote personal letters to Bond (Pierce Brosnan), who likes it "shaken, but not stirred", and expressed their interest in working in a James Bond flick.
Here's what they wrote to the spy. We cannot blame Bond if he is in a dilemma over which of the twelve Bollywood heroines he should choose to be cast opposite himself in his next movie.
1. Aishwarya Rai:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Aishwarya Rai, one of India's most popular and viv(ek)acious actresses. Before entering the movies, I was a beauty queen. My male fans never 'miss' my movies for the 'world'. After the initial years of struggle, during which I wore a pair of faded 'jeans', I finally hit the big-time with a couple of blockbusters from one of the most talented directors in this country, Sanjay Leela Bhansali. I was proud to be associated with one of the most expensive films ever made in India, Devdas. I believe I am an Indian actress with an international face. I am, however, hoping never to be associated with a man who proclaims his masculinity by adding the word 'man' as a suffix to his name (e.g. Sal'man' and Letter'man'.) You would have seen me on the Oprah Winfrey talk show, where I showed Oprah the right way to wear a saree. Is it okay with you if I perform my scenes as the next Bond girl in a saree, including the stunts? I am quite uncomfortable with kissing on screen as well, so I hope the directors would kindly keep that in mind. I hope my dreams of bonding with you do not end up in 'Ash'es.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Aishwarya Rai.
2. Amisha Patel:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Amisha Patel. I am basically a smart young woman, but I have a problem portraying both smartness and youth in my characters on screen. My directors think I am too mature for my age, and they accordingly give me mature and over-smart roles to play. Well, the less said about all my movies that released after my first two movies (to date, my two biggest hits), the better it would be for the both of us. I only hope you will boost my career by saying 'Kaho Naa ... Pyaar Hai' to me on screen. I think we will create Gadar together on screen. What say, Mr. Bond? As far as my personal life is concerned, there's a lot more happening there (problems with the family, a relationship with a director, etc.), which helps me stay in the news. As it is, my career graph is not 'rising', but it is continuously and steadily falling.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Amisha Patel.
3. Bipasha Basu:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Bipasha Basu, the leading lady with the hot 'jism'. You are no 'ajnabee' to me, and it is no 'raaz' that I would like to work with you. Having been a ramp model myself before entering the film industry, I am familiar with the adage that models cannot act, but that is absolutely untrue in my case. I can not only act, but I also sometimes tend to overact a bit. I have been involved in two wonderful relationships, and both the men are hunks. The first one was in the 'Dino'saur age, and I later said to him, "Yeh dil maange no More(a)". I am currently dating another model-turned-actor, John Abraham, and we're a hot pair who've created a bit of 'Dhoom' together. Though Bips' (that my nickname) heart flips only for John, I am willing to make an exception in your case. I am absolutely comfortable doing just about anything on screen.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Bipasha Basu.
4. Celina Jaitley:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Celina Jaitley. I made my debut in an Indian flick that had a very modern, international look. Fardeen Khan (my co-star), the violin, the superbikes, the hot women in bikinis-all these were reminiscent of a James Bond flick. But unfortunately, the Indian audience has a very short memory. It conveniently got a lot shorter when I enacted my role on screen. My performance was so utterly unbearable: my husky voice and my light eyes had no takers as it is, but when they portrayed me as a blind violinist on a beach wearing a skimpy swimsuit, the audience regretted spending so much money to watch me play my violin, which was out of tune. The public turned a deaf ear to my off-key violin playing ability (or the sore lack of it, perhaps) and also turned a blind eye to my supermodel figure that was on full display in that skimpy bikini. I agree that getting a part in a Bond movie is no child's 'khel', but I am certainly looking forward to prove my credentials as an actress. If I am accepted in Hollywood, I can also get married to a good-looking martial arts movie star, and thereby change my name to Celina Jet Li.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Celina Jaitley.
5. Kareena Kapoor:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Kareena Kapoor (a.k.a. Bebo), the babe with loads of attitude. My directors give me roles that give me ample scope to show off both my skin and my attitude. Well, the less said about all the movies I've acted in (except 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham') the better, because they're all like bad 'yaadein'. This is not the industry I have grown up in. Bollywood is like a 'refugee' camp, where talent is not appreciated if it happens to belong to a famous filmi family. Even 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham' (K3G) gave its entire cast and crew just that: 'kabhi khushi, bahut gham'. I have no 'aitraaz' in doing bold scenes on screen, but trust me, I will never be a 'bewafaa' to you. I would really love to be cast opposite you in your next film, as it is a matter of great honour and pride for any actress to be known as a Bond girl.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Kareena Kapoor.
6. Lara Dutta:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Lara Dutta, the former Miss Universe. I think I fit the bill perfectly for this role. This is because I am a tough, sporty woman who loves adventure sports. I am most comfortable doing dangerous stunts outdoors, just like the ones women are expected to perform in your movies. I am a desi Lara Croft, but unlike Angelina Jolie's feminine features, I look manly and talk in a deep voice. I enjoyed working in movies like 'Andaaz' and performing an item number in 'Khakee'. Will the Bond mive have an item number. James, please 'Kaal' me whenever you want to, and we'll discuss the script, etc. I am hoping we act together. We'll do a lot of 'masti' on the sets together.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Lara Dutta.
7. Mallika Sherawat:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Mallika Sherawat, Bollywood's hottest heroine to date. Bachke Rehna Re, Bond! I hail from Haryana, where women are conservative, and men treat them as if they were their hapless goats or cows. But I am bold, rebellious, strong, independent and sexy. In fact, I have no qualms about kissing on screen either, as I have created a record an Indian record of sorts for the maximum number of smooches in Bollywood movies (with seventeen kisses in my debut movie, 'Khwahish'). All my life, I have longed for a chance to work with you. I can get away with both 'murder' and hot scenes, and to prove that my credentials as an actress are not just a 'myth', I am now working with Jackie Chan, the actor from Hong Kong who is Hollywood's most successful star of Asian origin. I have a great body and I believe that if you have it, flaunt it. I am a reporter's dream, because of the spicy soundbytes I give at every interview.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Mallika Sherawat.
8. Preity Zinta:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Preity Zinta, it is my 'lakshya' to work with you. From the first day I stepped into Bollywood, I prayed 'dil se' that one day I would get a role opposite you. My 'dil chahta hai' that I become a Bond girl. 007 Zinta-baad! Hope you will invite me to read the script of your film preity soon.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Preity Zinta.
9. Priyanka Chopra:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Priyanka Chopra. I hope you have no problem if I come for the audition for the role of the new Bond girl. I have absolutely no 'aitraaz' doing any kind of role you offer me.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Priyanka Chopra.
10. Rani Mukherjee:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Rani Mukherjee. I am currently the Queen Bee reigining Bollywood. Whenever I think about you, 'kuch kuch hota hai'. In fact, 'bahut kuch hota hai'. I have been a huge fan of yours ever since I was younger. I do not mind even if I have to play the role of a 'ghulam' in a Bond film. Leta kya audition? Before I wrote this letter to you expressing my desire to star in a Bond movie, my life was like a 'paheli'. It was all black, until I discovered that you are the ray of hope for an actress like me. So what say, will your next film star 'hum' and 'tum'? Maybe you could name it 'Bondy aur Babli'.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Rani Mukherjee.
11. Shilpa Shetty:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Shilpa Shetty. I am willing to do anything to work in a Bond movie. I have been waiting for this chance for a very long time. I am hoping this character has a hot item number and some exciting stunts, which I am really looking forward to do. Phir Milenge.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Shilpa Shetty.
12. Urmila Matondkar:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Urmila Matondkar. I am always eager to take up something new and exciting, and I am sure this is naother wonderful opportunity to prove my acting abilities. Mr. Bond, I will, however, do this movie only on two conditions: firstly, m ust have an item number picturised on me like the one in the otherwise forgettable China Gate, and secondly, the director of the Bond movie must be our very own Ramuji (Ram Gopal Varma).
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Urmila Matondkar.
Are you wondering which one of these has been able to convince James Bond? I can't blame you, because I am too.
Unofficial Hollywood sources, on conditions of strict anonymity, have finally revealed a little inside story. The hunky actor with the pierc(e)ing blue eyes, who plays James Bond, is looking for a new leading lady to be cast opposite him in his next film. The producers of the 007 franchise have sent word to several actresses, who would do just about anything for this once in a lifetime chance to bond with the best.
Bollywood, too, is very excited about an opportunity for one of its beauties to hit the big-time. The India-based agents of the producers of the 007 franchise have short-listed twelve mainstream Hindi film actresses as likely candidates to get their licence to thrill (and chill) with the handsome secret agent. These actresses wrote personal letters to Bond (Pierce Brosnan), who likes it "shaken, but not stirred", and expressed their interest in working in a James Bond flick.
Here's what they wrote to the spy. We cannot blame Bond if he is in a dilemma over which of the twelve Bollywood heroines he should choose to be cast opposite himself in his next movie.
1. Aishwarya Rai:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Aishwarya Rai, one of India's most popular and viv(ek)acious actresses. Before entering the movies, I was a beauty queen. My male fans never 'miss' my movies for the 'world'. After the initial years of struggle, during which I wore a pair of faded 'jeans', I finally hit the big-time with a couple of blockbusters from one of the most talented directors in this country, Sanjay Leela Bhansali. I was proud to be associated with one of the most expensive films ever made in India, Devdas. I believe I am an Indian actress with an international face. I am, however, hoping never to be associated with a man who proclaims his masculinity by adding the word 'man' as a suffix to his name (e.g. Sal'man' and Letter'man'.) You would have seen me on the Oprah Winfrey talk show, where I showed Oprah the right way to wear a saree. Is it okay with you if I perform my scenes as the next Bond girl in a saree, including the stunts? I am quite uncomfortable with kissing on screen as well, so I hope the directors would kindly keep that in mind. I hope my dreams of bonding with you do not end up in 'Ash'es.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Aishwarya Rai.
2. Amisha Patel:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Amisha Patel. I am basically a smart young woman, but I have a problem portraying both smartness and youth in my characters on screen. My directors think I am too mature for my age, and they accordingly give me mature and over-smart roles to play. Well, the less said about all my movies that released after my first two movies (to date, my two biggest hits), the better it would be for the both of us. I only hope you will boost my career by saying 'Kaho Naa ... Pyaar Hai' to me on screen. I think we will create Gadar together on screen. What say, Mr. Bond? As far as my personal life is concerned, there's a lot more happening there (problems with the family, a relationship with a director, etc.), which helps me stay in the news. As it is, my career graph is not 'rising', but it is continuously and steadily falling.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Amisha Patel.
3. Bipasha Basu:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Bipasha Basu, the leading lady with the hot 'jism'. You are no 'ajnabee' to me, and it is no 'raaz' that I would like to work with you. Having been a ramp model myself before entering the film industry, I am familiar with the adage that models cannot act, but that is absolutely untrue in my case. I can not only act, but I also sometimes tend to overact a bit. I have been involved in two wonderful relationships, and both the men are hunks. The first one was in the 'Dino'saur age, and I later said to him, "Yeh dil maange no More(a)". I am currently dating another model-turned-actor, John Abraham, and we're a hot pair who've created a bit of 'Dhoom' together. Though Bips' (that my nickname) heart flips only for John, I am willing to make an exception in your case. I am absolutely comfortable doing just about anything on screen.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Bipasha Basu.
4. Celina Jaitley:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Celina Jaitley. I made my debut in an Indian flick that had a very modern, international look. Fardeen Khan (my co-star), the violin, the superbikes, the hot women in bikinis-all these were reminiscent of a James Bond flick. But unfortunately, the Indian audience has a very short memory. It conveniently got a lot shorter when I enacted my role on screen. My performance was so utterly unbearable: my husky voice and my light eyes had no takers as it is, but when they portrayed me as a blind violinist on a beach wearing a skimpy swimsuit, the audience regretted spending so much money to watch me play my violin, which was out of tune. The public turned a deaf ear to my off-key violin playing ability (or the sore lack of it, perhaps) and also turned a blind eye to my supermodel figure that was on full display in that skimpy bikini. I agree that getting a part in a Bond movie is no child's 'khel', but I am certainly looking forward to prove my credentials as an actress. If I am accepted in Hollywood, I can also get married to a good-looking martial arts movie star, and thereby change my name to Celina Jet Li.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Celina Jaitley.
5. Kareena Kapoor:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Kareena Kapoor (a.k.a. Bebo), the babe with loads of attitude. My directors give me roles that give me ample scope to show off both my skin and my attitude. Well, the less said about all the movies I've acted in (except 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham') the better, because they're all like bad 'yaadein'. This is not the industry I have grown up in. Bollywood is like a 'refugee' camp, where talent is not appreciated if it happens to belong to a famous filmi family. Even 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham' (K3G) gave its entire cast and crew just that: 'kabhi khushi, bahut gham'. I have no 'aitraaz' in doing bold scenes on screen, but trust me, I will never be a 'bewafaa' to you. I would really love to be cast opposite you in your next film, as it is a matter of great honour and pride for any actress to be known as a Bond girl.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Kareena Kapoor.
6. Lara Dutta:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Lara Dutta, the former Miss Universe. I think I fit the bill perfectly for this role. This is because I am a tough, sporty woman who loves adventure sports. I am most comfortable doing dangerous stunts outdoors, just like the ones women are expected to perform in your movies. I am a desi Lara Croft, but unlike Angelina Jolie's feminine features, I look manly and talk in a deep voice. I enjoyed working in movies like 'Andaaz' and performing an item number in 'Khakee'. Will the Bond mive have an item number. James, please 'Kaal' me whenever you want to, and we'll discuss the script, etc. I am hoping we act together. We'll do a lot of 'masti' on the sets together.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Lara Dutta.
7. Mallika Sherawat:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Mallika Sherawat, Bollywood's hottest heroine to date. Bachke Rehna Re, Bond! I hail from Haryana, where women are conservative, and men treat them as if they were their hapless goats or cows. But I am bold, rebellious, strong, independent and sexy. In fact, I have no qualms about kissing on screen either, as I have created a record an Indian record of sorts for the maximum number of smooches in Bollywood movies (with seventeen kisses in my debut movie, 'Khwahish'). All my life, I have longed for a chance to work with you. I can get away with both 'murder' and hot scenes, and to prove that my credentials as an actress are not just a 'myth', I am now working with Jackie Chan, the actor from Hong Kong who is Hollywood's most successful star of Asian origin. I have a great body and I believe that if you have it, flaunt it. I am a reporter's dream, because of the spicy soundbytes I give at every interview.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Mallika Sherawat.
8. Preity Zinta:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Preity Zinta, it is my 'lakshya' to work with you. From the first day I stepped into Bollywood, I prayed 'dil se' that one day I would get a role opposite you. My 'dil chahta hai' that I become a Bond girl. 007 Zinta-baad! Hope you will invite me to read the script of your film preity soon.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Preity Zinta.
9. Priyanka Chopra:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Priyanka Chopra. I hope you have no problem if I come for the audition for the role of the new Bond girl. I have absolutely no 'aitraaz' doing any kind of role you offer me.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Priyanka Chopra.
10. Rani Mukherjee:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Rani Mukherjee. I am currently the Queen Bee reigining Bollywood. Whenever I think about you, 'kuch kuch hota hai'. In fact, 'bahut kuch hota hai'. I have been a huge fan of yours ever since I was younger. I do not mind even if I have to play the role of a 'ghulam' in a Bond film. Leta kya audition? Before I wrote this letter to you expressing my desire to star in a Bond movie, my life was like a 'paheli'. It was all black, until I discovered that you are the ray of hope for an actress like me. So what say, will your next film star 'hum' and 'tum'? Maybe you could name it 'Bondy aur Babli'.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Rani Mukherjee.
11. Shilpa Shetty:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Shilpa Shetty. I am willing to do anything to work in a Bond movie. I have been waiting for this chance for a very long time. I am hoping this character has a hot item number and some exciting stunts, which I am really looking forward to do. Phir Milenge.
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Shilpa Shetty.
12. Urmila Matondkar:
Dear James,
Hi! I am Urmila Matondkar. I am always eager to take up something new and exciting, and I am sure this is naother wonderful opportunity to prove my acting abilities. Mr. Bond, I will, however, do this movie only on two conditions: firstly, m ust have an item number picturised on me like the one in the otherwise forgettable China Gate, and secondly, the director of the Bond movie must be our very own Ramuji (Ram Gopal Varma).
Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.
Yours sincerely,
Urmila Matondkar.
Are you wondering which one of these has been able to convince James Bond? I can't blame you, because I am too.
Remixes: A Temporary Fad
Remixes: A Temporary Fad
If you have been watching music videos on television or listening to any of the private FM radio stations these days, you would have seen or heard an increasing number of appalling and absolutely vulgar numbers doing the rounds on practically every show.
The procedure involved in making these cheap and crass songs is quite simple really. All you have to do is take an old Hindi film song, add a funky hip-hop beat with a rapper belting out some qite incomprehensible rubbish and get some nubile half-naked women to gyrate their well-toned hips to the tunes churned out by some deejay who seems to have little or no knowledge of his 'art' and has, in fact, made an entire career out of mutilating these great compositions of old maestros, just for the sake of filthy lucre.
It is, no doubt, proving to be a commercially successful venture for the concerned record company, music video director, DJ, singer(s) and models, but it is responsible for the sore lack of real talent in the modern-day music industry in India.
Remixes are a temporary fad. They will, sooner or later, be rejected by the genuine aficionados of music, because they are in extremely poor taste. Real music connoisseurs scoff at this as just a passing trend, which will soon fad away into oblivion. Public memory is too short anyway, and in case of such atrocious stuff, which is just made in the name of large-scale commercialisation of music these days, it is bound to be much shorter.
I, for one, would doff my hat to anyone who would care to show me one classy remix that has come out of any record company in the last few years.
If you have been watching music videos on television or listening to any of the private FM radio stations these days, you would have seen or heard an increasing number of appalling and absolutely vulgar numbers doing the rounds on practically every show.
The procedure involved in making these cheap and crass songs is quite simple really. All you have to do is take an old Hindi film song, add a funky hip-hop beat with a rapper belting out some qite incomprehensible rubbish and get some nubile half-naked women to gyrate their well-toned hips to the tunes churned out by some deejay who seems to have little or no knowledge of his 'art' and has, in fact, made an entire career out of mutilating these great compositions of old maestros, just for the sake of filthy lucre.
It is, no doubt, proving to be a commercially successful venture for the concerned record company, music video director, DJ, singer(s) and models, but it is responsible for the sore lack of real talent in the modern-day music industry in India.
Remixes are a temporary fad. They will, sooner or later, be rejected by the genuine aficionados of music, because they are in extremely poor taste. Real music connoisseurs scoff at this as just a passing trend, which will soon fad away into oblivion. Public memory is too short anyway, and in case of such atrocious stuff, which is just made in the name of large-scale commercialisation of music these days, it is bound to be much shorter.
I, for one, would doff my hat to anyone who would care to show me one classy remix that has come out of any record company in the last few years.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Swapping a bat for a ladle is not every cricketer's cup of tea
Swapping a bat for a ladle is not every cricketer's cup of tea
'Master Blaster' Sachin Tendulkar has done it twice in Mumbai, Indian captain Sourav Ganguly has done it once in Kolkata and now it's the turn of India's left-arm medium pace-bowling spearhead Zaheer Khan, who is doing it in our very own city, Pune. No, please don't get any wild ideas: they have entered the restaurant business in a very big way!
But while we just have to wait and see how well (or badly) our cricketers' joints (and no, I am not referring to Tendulkar's elbows) are doing, I have a serious word of caution to a bunch of other players in the country who aspire to follow in the footsteps of Messrs. Tendulkar, Ganguly and Khan-please stick to playing cricket and do not even think about opening any more cricket-themed eateries, because swapping a bat (or a ball, as the case may be) for a ladle isn't every cricketer's cup of tea.
The list of top ten cricketers who should not even consider entering the restaurant business is as follows:
1. Mohammed Azharuddin: My apologies to Lou Bega (the singer who crooned Mambo No. 5) for twisting a line from his famous number, but this should explain why the former Indian skipper should refrain from starting an eatery: "A lot of Bijlani by his side, a little biryani can make him wide". Of course, the wristy Hyderabadi batsman, known for his penchant for fitness, could think of aplace that serves health food. An area into which Azhar shouldn't even think of venturing is bars and pubs, unless he wants to entertain drunken wags who'll go up to the bartender and say, "Hey, fix me a whisky with soda on the rocks!"
2. Rahul Dravid: Dada may be the captain, but his deputy is smart enough not to follow in the current Idian skipper's footsteps in everything he does. Dravid should ideally stick to his classy technique and impeccable temperament at the batting crease. It would be unwise for India's vice-captain to shift his focus to the business of dishing out food. if he has plans to open a restaurant in the future (post-retirement, that is), he should invest in a cricket-themed restaurant with his personal cricketing memorabilia adorning 'the Walls'. There's no cricket fan out there who wouldn't be up to the idea of jamming with Jammy.
3. Virender Sehwag: Veeru has two options if he wants to start a restaurant. One, he can set up a cosy place in the heart of Najafgarh that serves up hot home-cooked meals prepared by Sehwag ki maa. Secondly, he could consider opening a milk booth, where the sales of dairy products could 'Boost' the Nawab of Najafgarh's bank balance to a great extent. After all, doodh-shoodh peena padta hai. However, he should not consider both options. We cannot afford to have some (seh) wags knowing the secret of Veeru's energy.
4. Harbhajan Singh/Yuvraj Singh: Picture this: a hungry truck driver, driving down the national highway from Jalandhar to Chandigarh. He had had his last meal a long time ago, at a dhaba in Jaladhar, owned by India's ace off-spinner Harbhajan Singh. After pampering his taste-buds with some hot 'pav-Bhajji', he hits the road again and proceeds on the journey to Chandigarh. Once the truck driver reaches his destination, he wants to grab a quick bite again, before he can move on to the next town. He orders a tall glass of cool lassi at a restaurant owned by the young and dashing Punjab and India southpaw (Yuvraj Singh). This, he hopes will protect him from the harsh 'Yuvi' rays of the sun and keep him cool during the next leg of his journey. However, he learns a mutilated version of Newton's law the hard way: 'For every (supposedly illegal) action, there is an equal, opposite and doosra reaction'. He falls ill and wonders whether he should have just stayed at home and had a hot plate of bhajjis or (yuv) rajma instead.
5. Anil Kumble: If the engineer-turned-leg-spinner from Bangalore decides to enter the food business, most probably he will start a bakery, whose main activity would be baking cookies. Kumble is a toughie, and has never been known to k (r) umble (sorry, crumble) under pressure. However, although Jumbo has the record for the most number of Test wickets by an Indian bowler to his name, the cookies he'd bake should hopefully be more unpredictable that his googlies and leg-breaks. Well, here's hoping the cookie never k (r) umbles.
6. Vinod Kambli: A man is known by the company he keeps. Kambli is certainly in great company, because he can count master blaster Sachin Tendulkar as one of his childhood buddies. The flashy Mumbaikar, inspired by his best pal Tendulkar, will open a 'wada-pav' and 'cutting chai' stall opposite Tendulkar's (the restaurant) at Colaba in south Mumbai. After a promising start to his international cricketing career, he had faded out of public memory for a while. He then appeared in a Bollywood movie, which didn't exactly set the box office on fire. Since he hasn't heard from the national selectors for a long time, he can probably supply them a box of 'wada-pavs and glasses of piping hot cutting chai'. At least this is one alternative career for which he might get everyone's collective (Vi) nod.
7. V.V.S. Laxman: Why should the stylish Hyderabadi stay away from opening an eatery? The answer is simple: in the restaurant business, the competition is so cut-throat that you cannot afford to be a lax man. It is 281-derful that all VVS' colleagues have decided to enter the food business, but opening a restaurant is not as easy as a walk in the Eden Gardens. And, of course, there is the additional danger of another man who would come knocking at Laxman's door when he's least expecting it: the tax man. So it's a Very Very Special resquest to the Hyderabad batsman to concentrate on cementing his place in the Indian team and not to shift his focus onto the activities of the restaurant business.
8. L. Balaji/Irfan Pathan/Ashish Nehra: Trust India's young pace trio to come up with something fast. In an age where fast food, prompt service (with a toothy smile, thanks to Balaji) and speedy delivery are the keys to survival in the restaurant business, they will have to face some severe competition from the fast food giants. They'll only survive if Balaji can find enough 'laxmi' in the cash register, the (ir) fans are replaced by air-conditioners and of course, they have a steady supply of (a) shish kababs.
9. Ajit Agarkar: Time to bring on the appetising 'sol kadhi', sit back, relax and wait patiently for the 'bombil fry'. Does this ring a bell? Well, Mumbai's right-arm medium-pace bowler Ajit Agarkar's career in international cricket started off on a spectacular note in 1998, when he became the fastest bowler to reach fifty wickets in One-day Internationals. Well, that was the 'sol kadhi' bit. A year later, his batting became a sort of joke in some sections of the Australian press, when he scored ducks in five innings of a series of three Tests against the Aussies on India's tour Down Under. We saw our 'all-rounder' do just that: have a bunch of round figures (zeroes) to his name on the scoreboard. The skinny Mumbaikar was nicknamed 'Bombay Duck'. However, he scored a century against England at Lord's, the Mecca of cricket, in 2002. But Agarkar should not enter the restaurant business anyway, because if he does, he'd make his customers wait for a long time before doing something spectacular again.
10. Mohammed Kaif/Parthiv Patel/Dinesh Mongia/Murali Kartik: A unique partnership of sorts, indeed! Although the youngster from Allahabad, Mohammed Kaif, is one of the fittest young cricketers and probably one of the fastest runners between the wickets, a 'Kaifetaria' ia not a suitable business option for him. It will take its own time and the food served there would not find favour with even the most hard-core fitness freaks. As for the others, customers would find Parthiv Patel's fare quite unpalatable. They would be as eager to part (hiv) with the young Gujarat wicket-keeper as the national selectors did. One more thing that could go against Parthiv is that his staff would be encouraged to take a leaf out of their boss' books. it won't be surprising if they keep dropping cutlery and crockery, just like Patel dropped catches behind the stumps. As for Dinesh Mongia, the handsome Punjabi from Chandigarh is quite 'dishy' himself, so the customers, especially the ladies, would go to the dashing left-hander's restaurant just to see if he is there. They'd come back having had their fill of the attractive cricketer, who would be more appealing to the eye than the dishes on the table. Well, if he ventures out of Punjab, he could think of setting up two branches of his restaurant, one in Lancashire and the other in Leicestershire, but of course, he'd have to withstand the competition from other Asians who serve up hot Indian curry, the current favourite among Britons. His attempts to 'curry' favour with the Indian selectors would go in vain as well. Meanwhile, Murali Kartik, the Railways left-arm spinner, will not even be able to get the green signal from the restaurant authorities. He will need a better 'platform' to exhibit his talent and get back into the team.
As cricket is considered to be a religion in India, these restaurants, started by the above-mentioned cricketers, will not be open on the days when the Indian team is playing a cricket match, as the waiters, chefs, etc. would be very busy watching their bosses play. In fact, they may even get motivated to pad up, swap their ladles, aprons and chef's hats for bats, pads, batting gloves and helmets and go out onto the field themselves, given the poor results on the Indian team in some recent matches. They may start thinking, "if these players can do it, then why can't we?"
Saturday, August 18, 2007
KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)
KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
Kaun Kisko Blame Karega?, which is abbreviated as KKBK, is a quiz show which features the Blue Billion and seven bigwigs from the cricketing fraternity in India. The Blue Billion is disappointed with the dismal performance of ‘the Men who gave us the Blues’ (a.k.a. the Indian cricket team) at the ongoing World Cup in the West Indies.
The show is not on air on any of the television channels (thankfully), but the venue is the headquarters of the Bored (sorry, Board) of Controlling Cricket in India (BCCI) and the contestants are Messrs. Sharad Pawar, Dilip Vengsarkar, Greg Chappell, Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Anil Kumble.
Even though these gentlemen need no introduction, public memory is short, and so the Blue Billion must be reminded that Pawar is the president of the BCCI, Vengsarkar is the chairman of the selectors (a.k.a. the five ‘not-so-wise’ men), Chappell was till recently the coach of the Indian cricket team, Dravid is the captain of Team India, Tendulkar is the vice-captain of Team India, Ganguly (the former captain of Team India) is currently the seniormost batsman in the squad and Kumble (who has recently announced his retirement from One-day International cricket) is the seniormost bowler in the squad.
Amidst taunts of ‘Ooh Aah India, Phir Haarke Aaya India’, the seven gentlemen and the seven gentlemen who have accompanied them to the studio, namely Messrs. Niranjan Shah, Raj Singh Dungarpur, Lalit Modi, Sanjay Jagdale, Ian Frazer, Virender Sehwag and Zaheer Khan, take their seats. None of them (obviously) have a clue about the questions that await them when each of them takes the ‘hot seat’.
The host of the show, whose name has been withheld on his request, proceeds to explain the rules of the game to the seven contestants and announces the ‘fastest finger first’ round. Greg Chappell, who seems to have the fastest fingers in the Indian cricketing fraternity, wins the round hands (oops, fingers) down.
He takes the ‘hot seat’, scowls (obviously because he is feeling the heat) and flashes the now-infamous middle finger to the crowd. The host looks at his computer and says, “Mr. Chappell, your first question is: how has your experience as the coach of Team India been so far?” and then says, “Your four options are: (A) a nightmare, (B) a disaster, (C) one of the worst experiences of my life and (D) unforgettable”. Chappell flashes the finger and says, “All of the above.” When the host says there is no fifth option, Chappell says “(A) a nightmare”. He is absolutely sure and confident about his answer and promptly asks the host to lock the answer. The answer is correct, and Chappell wins one thousand rupees.
The second question that flashes on his computer screen. It says, “Which team did India beat at the 2007 World Cup?”, followed by the four options, (A) Bangladesh, (B) Bermuda, (C) Sri Lanka and (D) the West Indies. Without looking at the options, he promptly yells, “(B) Bermuda”, and the host reminds him that the hapless Bermudans are the only team his wards managed to beat at cricket’s premier one-day tournament. Greg flares up again and threatens to quit the show with the prize money he has won so far, which is two thousand rupees.
The host of the show politely shows the ex-India coach the door, just as the latter had done to Sourav Ganguly soon after he took over as the coach of the Indian team.
After guru Greg’s exit, the host announces that it is time for a commercial break, and quickly adds that none of the sponsors of the show have cricketers as brand ambassadors, in strict adherence to the board’s policy that no cricketer can endorse more than three products. The decision was taken after India’s dismal performance at the World Cup earlier this year.
During the break, the cricketers regroup and get into a huddle. This is one of the better sights in Indian cricket, as the fans have off-late gotten used to seeing our players getting into a muddle on several occasions. The group then comes up with a plan to improve the team’s collective and individual performances and they also discuss the pros and cons of appointing a foreign coach vis-à-vis an Indian one, despite their two previous experiences with goras at the helm of affairs.
The board, which had to deal with the contrasting personalities of two white coaches (the composed John Wright and the volatile Greg Chappell) for a duration of about seven years, has now decided that enough is enough as far as the blame game is concerned.
In order to stem the rot that currently ails Indian cricket, they have appointed two Indian coaches since the disastrous 2007 World Cup campaign, as a stop-gap arrangement. One is Ravi Shastri, the former India all-rounder-turned-television commentator, and the other is Chandu Borde, who has worn many hats during his association with Indian cricket, both as a player and as a manager.
Here’s hoping their understanding of cricket in India and their vast experience augur well for the future.
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
Kaun Kisko Blame Karega?, which is abbreviated as KKBK, is a quiz show which features the Blue Billion and seven bigwigs from the cricketing fraternity in India. The Blue Billion is disappointed with the dismal performance of ‘the Men who gave us the Blues’ (a.k.a. the Indian cricket team) at the ongoing World Cup in the West Indies.
The show is not on air on any of the television channels (thankfully), but the venue is the headquarters of the Bored (sorry, Board) of Controlling Cricket in India (BCCI) and the contestants are Messrs. Sharad Pawar, Dilip Vengsarkar, Greg Chappell, Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Anil Kumble.
Even though these gentlemen need no introduction, public memory is short, and so the Blue Billion must be reminded that Pawar is the president of the BCCI, Vengsarkar is the chairman of the selectors (a.k.a. the five ‘not-so-wise’ men), Chappell was till recently the coach of the Indian cricket team, Dravid is the captain of Team India, Tendulkar is the vice-captain of Team India, Ganguly (the former captain of Team India) is currently the seniormost batsman in the squad and Kumble (who has recently announced his retirement from One-day International cricket) is the seniormost bowler in the squad.
Amidst taunts of ‘Ooh Aah India, Phir Haarke Aaya India’, the seven gentlemen and the seven gentlemen who have accompanied them to the studio, namely Messrs. Niranjan Shah, Raj Singh Dungarpur, Lalit Modi, Sanjay Jagdale, Ian Frazer, Virender Sehwag and Zaheer Khan, take their seats. None of them (obviously) have a clue about the questions that await them when each of them takes the ‘hot seat’.
The host of the show, whose name has been withheld on his request, proceeds to explain the rules of the game to the seven contestants and announces the ‘fastest finger first’ round. Greg Chappell, who seems to have the fastest fingers in the Indian cricketing fraternity, wins the round hands (oops, fingers) down.
He takes the ‘hot seat’, scowls (obviously because he is feeling the heat) and flashes the now-infamous middle finger to the crowd. The host looks at his computer and says, “Mr. Chappell, your first question is: how has your experience as the coach of Team India been so far?” and then says, “Your four options are: (A) a nightmare, (B) a disaster, (C) one of the worst experiences of my life and (D) unforgettable”. Chappell flashes the finger and says, “All of the above.” When the host says there is no fifth option, Chappell says “(A) a nightmare”. He is absolutely sure and confident about his answer and promptly asks the host to lock the answer. The answer is correct, and Chappell wins one thousand rupees.
The second question that flashes on his computer screen. It says, “Which team did India beat at the 2007 World Cup?”, followed by the four options, (A) Bangladesh, (B) Bermuda, (C) Sri Lanka and (D) the West Indies. Without looking at the options, he promptly yells, “(B) Bermuda”, and the host reminds him that the hapless Bermudans are the only team his wards managed to beat at cricket’s premier one-day tournament. Greg flares up again and threatens to quit the show with the prize money he has won so far, which is two thousand rupees.
The host of the show politely shows the ex-India coach the door, just as the latter had done to Sourav Ganguly soon after he took over as the coach of the Indian team.
After guru Greg’s exit, the host announces that it is time for a commercial break, and quickly adds that none of the sponsors of the show have cricketers as brand ambassadors, in strict adherence to the board’s policy that no cricketer can endorse more than three products. The decision was taken after India’s dismal performance at the World Cup earlier this year.
During the break, the cricketers regroup and get into a huddle. This is one of the better sights in Indian cricket, as the fans have off-late gotten used to seeing our players getting into a muddle on several occasions. The group then comes up with a plan to improve the team’s collective and individual performances and they also discuss the pros and cons of appointing a foreign coach vis-à-vis an Indian one, despite their two previous experiences with goras at the helm of affairs.
The board, which had to deal with the contrasting personalities of two white coaches (the composed John Wright and the volatile Greg Chappell) for a duration of about seven years, has now decided that enough is enough as far as the blame game is concerned.
In order to stem the rot that currently ails Indian cricket, they have appointed two Indian coaches since the disastrous 2007 World Cup campaign, as a stop-gap arrangement. One is Ravi Shastri, the former India all-rounder-turned-television commentator, and the other is Chandu Borde, who has worn many hats during his association with Indian cricket, both as a player and as a manager.
Here’s hoping their understanding of cricket in India and their vast experience augur well for the future.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
NO MORE REMAKES, RAMU!
NO MORE REMAKES, RAMU!
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
Maverick filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma is now all set to remake Bollywood’s greatest blockbuster of all time, Sholay, and has tentatively titled his version of the film Ram Gopal Varma Ki Sholay.
Here are some other flicks, but it is highly advisable that Ramu refrains from remaking them. These are listed as follows, along with my tongue-in-cheek remarks about each of them in such a way that it sends out a clear message to Mr. Varma to resist the temptation to remake them. I, however, do not intend to offend any fan of RGV in any way.
Please note that the last word of each of the comments that appear next to each of the following film titles rhymes with the title of the movie.
1942–A Love Story: Kum se kum ab to aap kisi bhi film ka remake nahin banaane ka vaada kijiye. Ab to pakdi bhi jaa chuki hai aapki chori.
Aashiqui: Aap ki haalat bahut kharaab hogi jab distributors aapko yeh kahenge ki yeh film bilkul nahin biki.
Amar Prem: Aap is evergreen hit ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? It is indeed a shame!
Arth: Kum se kum is film ka remake to mat banaiye. Ek classic picture ka remake dekhkar log theatre se nikalte hue zaroor bolegi, “ho gaya anarth”.
Baghban: Is film ka remake banaakar aap audience ko to pakaaoge hi, aur saath mein distributors bhi ho jaayenge pareshaan.
Bheja Fry: Aap apni filmon se public ko bore karte ho. Lekin is film ke remake banane ki mat karna try, nahin to aapka remake kar dega audiences ki jeben khali aur bheje fry.
Bhoot: Please, for God’s sake, apni hi picture ke remake ko mat kijiye shoot.
Black: Bollywood ka ek bahut important rule yaad rakhna: agar is picture ka remake banaane ka soch bhi liya to you will face the flak.
Bobby: Ya to aapke dushman hai saare lovers ki lobby, ya public ko pakaana hai aapki purani hobby!
Border: Aap remakes banaana kab chhod rahe hain? Audience to pak gayi hai, par aisa lagta hai ki aapko ho gaya hai koi remake banaane ka disorder.
Chandni Bar: Aapko to ho gaya hai har film remake karne ka bukhaar, temperature hai ek sau chaar, lekin yaad rakhna: remake theek hai ek baar, not baar baar lagataar.
Cheeni Kum: Humko maloom hai ki audience ke kuch members ko diabetes hai, lekin is film ke remake banaane ki baat mein bilkul nahin hain dum.
Deewar: Har puraane super hit picture ka remake kyon banaana chahte hain aap? Aap ko shaayad maloom nahin hai ki yeh idea hai ekdum bekaar.
Devdas: Audience ke rote hue chehre dekhke pata chalta hai ki unko bhi is film ke remake ka idea hi lagta hai bilkul bakwaas.
Dhoom: Ramuji, saari public ki yehi request hai ki aap please is film ko phir se na banaayen, nahin to aapke career ke liye it will spell doom.
Dil: Is film ka remake to mat banaaiye. Audience mein kisi ko heart attack aa gaya to kaun bharega hospital ka bill?
Dil Chahta Hai: Aap ka dl to chahta hoga is film ka remake banaana, lekin audience ka dil isko dekhna nahin chahta hai.
Dil Maange More: Koi dekhne nahin aayega is film ka remake, kyunki sab aapke is remakes ke craze se ho gaye hain bore.
Dil To Pagal Hai: Aap hi bataaiye Ramuji, kya is remake naam ki problem ka koi hal hai?
Don: Audience ko pakaana aaj kal bahut aasaan ho gaya hai: kisi bhi achche film ka bekaar remake banaao. Par yaad rakhiye, this is absolutely not on.
Dum: Is picture ka remake banaane ka idea hai dumb, aur theatre mein is picture ka remake dekhne aayenge log bahut kum.
Gadar: Public par kuch to taras khaaiye aap, is film ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? Can’t you remake any other?
Ghayal: Is film ke remake ko dekhke public ya to theatre ke saare seats paagalon ki tarah phaad degi ya to aapko kutte ki tarah dhoke kar degi ghayal.
Guide: Ramuji, audience ka choice ab badal gaya hai. How long will you continue to take the public for a ride?
Guru: Ramuji, kab tak har film ka remake banaate rahoge? Abhi to kijiye koi original script par kaam shuru.
Hulchul: Aise hi remakes ka silsila chalta raha to ek din saara theatre khaali ho jaayega aur audience to bina film dekhe hi theatre se nikal jaayegi aur bol degi, “chal, chal”.
Hungama: Is comedy film ka tragic remake mat banaaiye, nahin to audience theatre mein aayegi dhaai ghante sone ke liye pehenke apna pyjama.
Ishq Vishk: Kaafi bold aadmi maloom padte ho, ya ho sakta hai aapka audience aur distributors ke saath panga hai. Kyon le rahe ho itna bada risk?
Jaaneman: Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke baad, now who is the unlucky one?
Jaani Dushman: Is picture ka remake banaane ke baad aapki dushmanon ki list lambi ho jaayegi. Yeh kambakht remake hi hai aapka sabse bada dushman.
Jalwa: Is film ke remake ka swaad to zaroor hoga kadwa, not meetha like gaajar ka halwa.
Jawaani Deewani: Aapko to lagta hai har film ka remake banaane ka bas bahaana hi chahiye, lekin, please, audience ki aankhon mein mat bharo paani.
Josh: Aap to josh mein aake is film ka remake banaaoge, lekin kya aapne kabhi socha hai ki yeh remake dekhkar public ho sakti hai behosh?
Julie: Is mein apni koi nayi discovery ko cast mat karna, kyonki public Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke performances ko abhi tak nahin hai bhooli.
Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham: Aapke remakes distributors aur public ko to de chuki hain bahut gham; aapke agle script mein hoga kya woh dum?
Kaho Na Pyaar Hai: Aur audience ka ek aur message bhi aap kaan kholkar sun lena: is film ka remake banaane ka idea ekdum bekaar hai.
Karz: Jaldi se yeh karz chuka dijiye Ramuji, kyonki audience ko pakaana nahin banta hai aapka farz.
Koi Mil Gaya: Iska remake to aap banaane ki sochiye bhi mat. Humko agle din ke newspaper mein nahin padhna hai ki koi iska remake dekhke hil gaya.
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Aur is film ko dekhkar audience mein baitha har member aur har distributor bahut rota hai.
Lagaan: Aapko is remake naam ke virus ne aise grip karke rakha hai ki aap kisi bhi achchi film ki remake ka sahara le rahe ho chalaane ke liye apni remake ki dukaan.
Love Story: Kab tak audience ko pakaaoge Ramuji? Kya aapke paas ek bhi script nahin hai jo original ho, matlab jiski nahin hui ho chori?
Maine Pyar Kiya: Yeh film aapki autobiography nahin hai; Aapki story ka to title hona chahiye: maine industry mein nayi heroines ko chance baar baar diya.
Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya?: Yeh Maine Pyar Kiya ka sequel to nahin, phir bhi aap iska remake banaane se pehle soch lijiye: maine in sab heroines ko break kyon diya?
Mangal Pandey–The Rising: Flop film ka bakwaas remake banaaoge to historical film ka hysterical remake banega. Nahin samjhe? No problem, it’s hardly surprising!
Mann: Remake banaane ke chakkar mein kyon barbaad kar rahe ho itna dhan?
Masti: Mehengai ke zamaane mein aap kaise banaate ho itne saare filmon ke remakes, aur who bhi itni sasti?
Mughal-E-Azam: Audience ko ticket ke saath milega Hajmola ka free packet, kyonki who nahin kar paayenge is film ke remake ko hazam.
Munnabhai M.B.B.S.: Is film ka remake banaaoge to yaad rakhna: you will be in an extremely big mess!
Paap: Flop filmein banaakar humko mat pakaaiye, Coppola ke najaayaz baap!
Page 3: Aapke remakes dekhna kisi third-degree torture se kum nahin. Jab public theatre se film dekhke nikalti hai to kehti hai, “we are free!”
Paheli: Ramuji, aap filmein hi kyon banaate hain, yehi hai sabse badi paheli.
Pukar: Nikaal dijiye apne dimaag se is film ka remake banaane ka vichaar, nahin to iska natija ho sakta hai bahut bekaar.
Qurbani: Come on Ramuji, aap kab denge is classic film ki remake banaane ke idea ki qurbani?
Raaz: Aapka yeh remake fixation hi hai public aur distributors ke liye sabse bada raaz. Kab aaoge is aadat se baaz?
Rang De Basanti: Aaj kal chor bhi bahut creative ho gaye hain. Copying ko inspiration to keh sakte ho, par yaad rakhiye: har classic ki remake achchi nahin banti.
Refugee: Agar kabhi aapko kisi producer ne offer kiya is picture ka remake banaane ka chance, to public par meherbaani karo aur please refuse jee.
Shaan: Ramuji, aap kyon is picture ko phir se banaakar lena chahte ho public aur distributors ki jaan?
Silsila: Lagta hai abhi tak tumhara remake waala bukhaar utra nahin. Kya remake banaane ke liye koi aur classic film ka script nahin mila?
Style: Style maarna koi buri baat nahin hai, par kum se kum original stories to likhiye. Kab band karoge yeh doosre film makers ki filmon se inspired scripts ki file?
Taal: Is film ke remake ko dekhkar to pakka hoga audience ke har member aur har distributor ka haal behaal.
Teesri Kasam: Pehli kasam: bahut heroines ko break diya; doosri kasam: kuch original filmein banaayi; ab kha lijiye remakes nahin banaane ki kasam.
Teesri Manzil: Jis dukaan se tum inspiration ke liye DVD lete ho, woh ek building ke third floor par hai; lift band hai; wahan time pe pahunchna hai bahut mushkil.
The Burning Train: Humko maloom hai aapne burning issues par koi film nahin banaayi, par kum se kum trained logon ko to break dijiye, nahin to your film will go down the drain.
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
Maverick filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma is now all set to remake Bollywood’s greatest blockbuster of all time, Sholay, and has tentatively titled his version of the film Ram Gopal Varma Ki Sholay.
Here are some other flicks, but it is highly advisable that Ramu refrains from remaking them. These are listed as follows, along with my tongue-in-cheek remarks about each of them in such a way that it sends out a clear message to Mr. Varma to resist the temptation to remake them. I, however, do not intend to offend any fan of RGV in any way.
Please note that the last word of each of the comments that appear next to each of the following film titles rhymes with the title of the movie.
1942–A Love Story: Kum se kum ab to aap kisi bhi film ka remake nahin banaane ka vaada kijiye. Ab to pakdi bhi jaa chuki hai aapki chori.
Aashiqui: Aap ki haalat bahut kharaab hogi jab distributors aapko yeh kahenge ki yeh film bilkul nahin biki.
Amar Prem: Aap is evergreen hit ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? It is indeed a shame!
Arth: Kum se kum is film ka remake to mat banaiye. Ek classic picture ka remake dekhkar log theatre se nikalte hue zaroor bolegi, “ho gaya anarth”.
Baghban: Is film ka remake banaakar aap audience ko to pakaaoge hi, aur saath mein distributors bhi ho jaayenge pareshaan.
Bheja Fry: Aap apni filmon se public ko bore karte ho. Lekin is film ke remake banane ki mat karna try, nahin to aapka remake kar dega audiences ki jeben khali aur bheje fry.
Bhoot: Please, for God’s sake, apni hi picture ke remake ko mat kijiye shoot.
Black: Bollywood ka ek bahut important rule yaad rakhna: agar is picture ka remake banaane ka soch bhi liya to you will face the flak.
Bobby: Ya to aapke dushman hai saare lovers ki lobby, ya public ko pakaana hai aapki purani hobby!
Border: Aap remakes banaana kab chhod rahe hain? Audience to pak gayi hai, par aisa lagta hai ki aapko ho gaya hai koi remake banaane ka disorder.
Chandni Bar: Aapko to ho gaya hai har film remake karne ka bukhaar, temperature hai ek sau chaar, lekin yaad rakhna: remake theek hai ek baar, not baar baar lagataar.
Cheeni Kum: Humko maloom hai ki audience ke kuch members ko diabetes hai, lekin is film ke remake banaane ki baat mein bilkul nahin hain dum.
Deewar: Har puraane super hit picture ka remake kyon banaana chahte hain aap? Aap ko shaayad maloom nahin hai ki yeh idea hai ekdum bekaar.
Devdas: Audience ke rote hue chehre dekhke pata chalta hai ki unko bhi is film ke remake ka idea hi lagta hai bilkul bakwaas.
Dhoom: Ramuji, saari public ki yehi request hai ki aap please is film ko phir se na banaayen, nahin to aapke career ke liye it will spell doom.
Dil: Is film ka remake to mat banaaiye. Audience mein kisi ko heart attack aa gaya to kaun bharega hospital ka bill?
Dil Chahta Hai: Aap ka dl to chahta hoga is film ka remake banaana, lekin audience ka dil isko dekhna nahin chahta hai.
Dil Maange More: Koi dekhne nahin aayega is film ka remake, kyunki sab aapke is remakes ke craze se ho gaye hain bore.
Dil To Pagal Hai: Aap hi bataaiye Ramuji, kya is remake naam ki problem ka koi hal hai?
Don: Audience ko pakaana aaj kal bahut aasaan ho gaya hai: kisi bhi achche film ka bekaar remake banaao. Par yaad rakhiye, this is absolutely not on.
Dum: Is picture ka remake banaane ka idea hai dumb, aur theatre mein is picture ka remake dekhne aayenge log bahut kum.
Gadar: Public par kuch to taras khaaiye aap, is film ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? Can’t you remake any other?
Ghayal: Is film ke remake ko dekhke public ya to theatre ke saare seats paagalon ki tarah phaad degi ya to aapko kutte ki tarah dhoke kar degi ghayal.
Guide: Ramuji, audience ka choice ab badal gaya hai. How long will you continue to take the public for a ride?
Guru: Ramuji, kab tak har film ka remake banaate rahoge? Abhi to kijiye koi original script par kaam shuru.
Hulchul: Aise hi remakes ka silsila chalta raha to ek din saara theatre khaali ho jaayega aur audience to bina film dekhe hi theatre se nikal jaayegi aur bol degi, “chal, chal”.
Hungama: Is comedy film ka tragic remake mat banaaiye, nahin to audience theatre mein aayegi dhaai ghante sone ke liye pehenke apna pyjama.
Ishq Vishk: Kaafi bold aadmi maloom padte ho, ya ho sakta hai aapka audience aur distributors ke saath panga hai. Kyon le rahe ho itna bada risk?
Jaaneman: Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke baad, now who is the unlucky one?
Jaani Dushman: Is picture ka remake banaane ke baad aapki dushmanon ki list lambi ho jaayegi. Yeh kambakht remake hi hai aapka sabse bada dushman.
Jalwa: Is film ke remake ka swaad to zaroor hoga kadwa, not meetha like gaajar ka halwa.
Jawaani Deewani: Aapko to lagta hai har film ka remake banaane ka bas bahaana hi chahiye, lekin, please, audience ki aankhon mein mat bharo paani.
Josh: Aap to josh mein aake is film ka remake banaaoge, lekin kya aapne kabhi socha hai ki yeh remake dekhkar public ho sakti hai behosh?
Julie: Is mein apni koi nayi discovery ko cast mat karna, kyonki public Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke performances ko abhi tak nahin hai bhooli.
Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham: Aapke remakes distributors aur public ko to de chuki hain bahut gham; aapke agle script mein hoga kya woh dum?
Kaho Na Pyaar Hai: Aur audience ka ek aur message bhi aap kaan kholkar sun lena: is film ka remake banaane ka idea ekdum bekaar hai.
Karz: Jaldi se yeh karz chuka dijiye Ramuji, kyonki audience ko pakaana nahin banta hai aapka farz.
Koi Mil Gaya: Iska remake to aap banaane ki sochiye bhi mat. Humko agle din ke newspaper mein nahin padhna hai ki koi iska remake dekhke hil gaya.
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Aur is film ko dekhkar audience mein baitha har member aur har distributor bahut rota hai.
Lagaan: Aapko is remake naam ke virus ne aise grip karke rakha hai ki aap kisi bhi achchi film ki remake ka sahara le rahe ho chalaane ke liye apni remake ki dukaan.
Love Story: Kab tak audience ko pakaaoge Ramuji? Kya aapke paas ek bhi script nahin hai jo original ho, matlab jiski nahin hui ho chori?
Maine Pyar Kiya: Yeh film aapki autobiography nahin hai; Aapki story ka to title hona chahiye: maine industry mein nayi heroines ko chance baar baar diya.
Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya?: Yeh Maine Pyar Kiya ka sequel to nahin, phir bhi aap iska remake banaane se pehle soch lijiye: maine in sab heroines ko break kyon diya?
Mangal Pandey–The Rising: Flop film ka bakwaas remake banaaoge to historical film ka hysterical remake banega. Nahin samjhe? No problem, it’s hardly surprising!
Mann: Remake banaane ke chakkar mein kyon barbaad kar rahe ho itna dhan?
Masti: Mehengai ke zamaane mein aap kaise banaate ho itne saare filmon ke remakes, aur who bhi itni sasti?
Mughal-E-Azam: Audience ko ticket ke saath milega Hajmola ka free packet, kyonki who nahin kar paayenge is film ke remake ko hazam.
Munnabhai M.B.B.S.: Is film ka remake banaaoge to yaad rakhna: you will be in an extremely big mess!
Paap: Flop filmein banaakar humko mat pakaaiye, Coppola ke najaayaz baap!
Page 3: Aapke remakes dekhna kisi third-degree torture se kum nahin. Jab public theatre se film dekhke nikalti hai to kehti hai, “we are free!”
Paheli: Ramuji, aap filmein hi kyon banaate hain, yehi hai sabse badi paheli.
Pukar: Nikaal dijiye apne dimaag se is film ka remake banaane ka vichaar, nahin to iska natija ho sakta hai bahut bekaar.
Qurbani: Come on Ramuji, aap kab denge is classic film ki remake banaane ke idea ki qurbani?
Raaz: Aapka yeh remake fixation hi hai public aur distributors ke liye sabse bada raaz. Kab aaoge is aadat se baaz?
Rang De Basanti: Aaj kal chor bhi bahut creative ho gaye hain. Copying ko inspiration to keh sakte ho, par yaad rakhiye: har classic ki remake achchi nahin banti.
Refugee: Agar kabhi aapko kisi producer ne offer kiya is picture ka remake banaane ka chance, to public par meherbaani karo aur please refuse jee.
Shaan: Ramuji, aap kyon is picture ko phir se banaakar lena chahte ho public aur distributors ki jaan?
Silsila: Lagta hai abhi tak tumhara remake waala bukhaar utra nahin. Kya remake banaane ke liye koi aur classic film ka script nahin mila?
Style: Style maarna koi buri baat nahin hai, par kum se kum original stories to likhiye. Kab band karoge yeh doosre film makers ki filmon se inspired scripts ki file?
Taal: Is film ke remake ko dekhkar to pakka hoga audience ke har member aur har distributor ka haal behaal.
Teesri Kasam: Pehli kasam: bahut heroines ko break diya; doosri kasam: kuch original filmein banaayi; ab kha lijiye remakes nahin banaane ki kasam.
Teesri Manzil: Jis dukaan se tum inspiration ke liye DVD lete ho, woh ek building ke third floor par hai; lift band hai; wahan time pe pahunchna hai bahut mushkil.
The Burning Train: Humko maloom hai aapne burning issues par koi film nahin banaayi, par kum se kum trained logon ko to break dijiye, nahin to your film will go down the drain.
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