Interview with Salman Khan

In (a very rare) conversation with Salman Khan
By Akshay A. Kalbag
He’s known to keep reporters at an arm’s distance, and any mention of a reporter or an interview is known to bring out the bad side of the ‘shirtless blunder’ (sorry, wonder)!
But there are some journos who boldly attempt to go where no scribe has gone before. One such courageous interviewer recently caught up with Salman Khan. Here are some excerpts from this exclusive interview.
Reporter: Salman, it’s nice to see you fully dressed today.
Salman: Yeah, this is my first public appearance after the infamous tape controversy. I had to dress decently at least once. Besides, it’s a nice shirt isn’t it? It’s a parting gift from Ash.
Reporter: (Now that Salman has come to the point, the interviewer wants to freshen up, relax and wait for the actor to spill the beans) Where’s the bathroom?
Salman: it’s straight down the hall, then turn left and then right.
Reporter: Thanks! I’ll just join you in a minute, after a wash. (Returns almost as soon as he goes.)
Salman: Man, you’re quick! I know media guys who take their own time in the washroom, probably because they’re intimidated by the infamous Khan temper.
Reporter: I am not intimidated by your temper! It’s just that the taps don’t seem to be working.
Salman: Of course, they aren’t! Show me one tap of any kind that has any connection with me that’s working.
Reporter: Your phones have been tapped.
Salman: (Now beginning to lose his cool) Well, that’s the cops way of saying, ‘Hey, we’re doing something to expose the Bollywood–underworld nexus’. It’s an image thing, really!
Reporter: Fair enough, but you are no saint either!
Salman: Yeah, but bad guys have all the fun. Ask Abu Salem.
Reporter: Talking of Abu Salem, you seem to enjoy good relations with the don.
Salman: Of course I do. The police department has been hard on the poor guy. He’s as stainless as Salem steel.
Reporter: Get your facts right. He’s a wanted mafia don.
Salman: To the outside world, he’s a bhai, a gangster, but to me, he’s like a bhai, a brother.
Reporter: Is it this spirit of brotherhood that prompted you to take this step?
Salman: What step? (Feigning ignorance.)
Reporter: Your voice has been recorded threatening Aishwarya Rai.
Salman: Oh, the tapes.
Reporter: Yeah, the tapes in which you kept forcing her to do a show sponsored by Abu Salem and talking proudly about your connections with the don.
Salman: Those weren’t our voices. The cops, as I told you, got a bit carried away and taped our private conversations.
Reporter: It’s pretty public now. And, yeah, those were your voices.
(At this moment, Salman is about to take off his shirt, and as is typical of him, beat up the reporter.)
(Just then, the phone rings. It’s the don, Abu Salem, calling from his hideout in Portugal.)
Salem: Hi Sallu, kaisa hai?
Salman: Bas bhai, aap ki dua hai. Sab theek hai. Having a ‘blast’! How’s Monica (Bedi)?
Salem: She’s doing fine. But we can’t go out much these days. We’re always doing our things ‘chori chori chupke chupke’. By the way, how’s Katrina (Kaif)?
Salman: She’s OK. But I have been constantly asking myself one question: ‘Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya’?
Salem: Relax man! Everything will be OK.
Salman: Yeah I hope so too, bhai. Can’t see my private life end up in ‘ashes’ always. I hope this trouble ends soon.
Salem: OK, I’ll hang up now. Bye Salman, take care!
Salman: Bye bhai. Give my love to Monica. Take care.
(The reporter overhears the conversation, but pretends he hasn’t heard anything. He carries on with the interview.)
Reporter: What about the black buck case?
Salman: What black buck case?
Reporter: You shot an endangered species of deer called black buck a few years ago.
Salman: (Curses him.) Oh, I thought you meant the finance that comes into films, black money … black bucks, you know? The underworld finances several movies.
Reporter: Yeah I know that.
Salman: Well, I am out of trouble as far as poaching black bucks, running over people in a drunken state and making 41 calls to Vivek Oberoi is concerned.
Reporter: You sure must’ve had to cough up a huge bill for all that!
Salman: Dude, I am ‘lucky’ to have connections in all the right places. I thank them for bailing me out of this mess.
Reporter: Is your car still with the Bandra cops?
Salman: Yes. I was ‘cruising’ along, having had one too many to drink that night, and suddenly this crops up and takes me to the ‘cleaners’.
Reporters: Wasn’t it outside a bakery?
Salman: The bakery was next to American Express Cleaners. I ‘landed’ up there drunk, and mowed down a few guys who were sleeping on the steps in front of the bakery.
Reporters: And, what’s with the 41 calls to Vivek Oberoi?
Salman: Kyon, why are you hell–bent on bringing up the past. Bas, ab ho gaya na? He’s happy with Ash now.
Reporter: OK. Thanks for sparing such a lot of your valuable time and answering my questions. You showed remarkable patience.
Salman: (Now loses his cool.) And now, you’ll be a patient!
The reporter invited the wrath of the ‘banian’ Khan, and the Bollywood brat, as usual, obliged and let his mouth and fists do the talking, cursing and bashing up the journo. God bless the poor guy, as he is now recovering at a nearby hospital.
After the interview, for Salman, it’s time for his favourite sport–journo bashing! After all, ‘jazbaa ho andar, to dikhta hai baahar!’