NO MORE REMAKES, RAMU!

NO MORE REMAKES, RAMU!

By: Akshay A. Kalbag

Maverick filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma is now all set to remake Bollywood’s greatest blockbuster of all time, Sholay, and has tentatively titled his version of the film Ram Gopal Varma Ki Sholay.

Here are some other flicks, but it is highly advisable that Ramu refrains from remaking them. These are listed as follows, along with my tongue-in-cheek remarks about each of them in such a way that it sends out a clear message to Mr. Varma to resist the temptation to remake them. I, however, do not intend to offend any fan of RGV in any way.

Please note that the last word of each of the comments that appear next to each of the following film titles rhymes with the title of the movie.

1942–A Love Story: Kum se kum ab to aap kisi bhi film ka remake nahin banaane ka vaada kijiye. Ab to pakdi bhi jaa chuki hai aapki chori.

Aashiqui: Aap ki haalat bahut kharaab hogi jab distributors aapko yeh kahenge ki yeh film bilkul nahin biki.

Amar Prem: Aap is evergreen hit ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? It is indeed a shame!

Arth: Kum se kum is film ka remake to mat banaiye. Ek classic picture ka remake dekhkar log theatre se nikalte hue zaroor bolegi, “ho gaya anarth”.

Baghban: Is film ka remake banaakar aap audience ko to pakaaoge hi, aur saath mein distributors bhi ho jaayenge pareshaan.

Bheja Fry: Aap apni filmon se public ko bore karte ho. Lekin is film ke remake banane ki mat karna try, nahin to aapka remake kar dega audiences ki jeben khali aur bheje fry.

Bhoot: Please, for God’s sake, apni hi picture ke remake ko mat kijiye shoot.

Black: Bollywood ka ek bahut important rule yaad rakhna: agar is picture ka remake banaane ka soch bhi liya to you will face the flak.

Bobby: Ya to aapke dushman hai saare lovers ki lobby, ya public ko pakaana hai aapki purani hobby!

Border: Aap remakes banaana kab chhod rahe hain? Audience to pak gayi hai, par aisa lagta hai ki aapko ho gaya hai koi remake banaane ka disorder.

Chandni Bar: Aapko to ho gaya hai har film remake karne ka bukhaar, temperature hai ek sau chaar, lekin yaad rakhna: remake theek hai ek baar, not baar baar lagataar.

Cheeni Kum: Humko maloom hai ki audience ke kuch members ko diabetes hai, lekin is film ke remake banaane ki baat mein bilkul nahin hain dum.

Deewar: Har puraane super hit picture ka remake kyon banaana chahte hain aap? Aap ko shaayad maloom nahin hai ki yeh idea hai ekdum bekaar.

Devdas: Audience ke rote hue chehre dekhke pata chalta hai ki unko bhi is film ke remake ka idea hi lagta hai bilkul bakwaas.

Dhoom: Ramuji, saari public ki yehi request hai ki aap please is film ko phir se na banaayen, nahin to aapke career ke liye it will spell doom.

Dil: Is film ka remake to mat banaaiye. Audience mein kisi ko heart attack aa gaya to kaun bharega hospital ka bill?

Dil Chahta Hai: Aap ka dl to chahta hoga is film ka remake banaana, lekin audience ka dil isko dekhna nahin chahta hai.

Dil Maange More: Koi dekhne nahin aayega is film ka remake, kyunki sab aapke is remakes ke craze se ho gaye hain bore.

Dil To Pagal Hai: Aap hi bataaiye Ramuji, kya is remake naam ki problem ka koi hal hai?

Don: Audience ko pakaana aaj kal bahut aasaan ho gaya hai: kisi bhi achche film ka bekaar remake banaao. Par yaad rakhiye, this is absolutely not on.

Dum: Is picture ka remake banaane ka idea hai dumb, aur theatre mein is picture ka remake dekhne aayenge log bahut kum.

Gadar: Public par kuch to taras khaaiye aap, is film ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? Can’t you remake any other?

Ghayal: Is film ke remake ko dekhke public ya to theatre ke saare seats paagalon ki tarah phaad degi ya to aapko kutte ki tarah dhoke kar degi ghayal.

Guide: Ramuji, audience ka choice ab badal gaya hai. How long will you continue to take the public for a ride?

Guru: Ramuji, kab tak har film ka remake banaate rahoge? Abhi to kijiye koi original script par kaam shuru.

Hulchul: Aise hi remakes ka silsila chalta raha to ek din saara theatre khaali ho jaayega aur audience to bina film dekhe hi theatre se nikal jaayegi aur bol degi, “chal, chal”.

Hungama: Is comedy film ka tragic remake mat banaaiye, nahin to audience theatre mein aayegi dhaai ghante sone ke liye pehenke apna pyjama.

Ishq Vishk: Kaafi bold aadmi maloom padte ho, ya ho sakta hai aapka audience aur distributors ke saath panga hai. Kyon le rahe ho itna bada risk?

Jaaneman: Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke baad, now who is the unlucky one?

Jaani Dushman: Is picture ka remake banaane ke baad aapki dushmanon ki list lambi ho jaayegi. Yeh kambakht remake hi hai aapka sabse bada dushman.

Jalwa: Is film ke remake ka swaad to zaroor hoga kadwa, not meetha like gaajar ka halwa.

Jawaani Deewani: Aapko to lagta hai har film ka remake banaane ka bas bahaana hi chahiye, lekin, please, audience ki aankhon mein mat bharo paani.

Josh: Aap to josh mein aake is film ka remake banaaoge, lekin kya aapne kabhi socha hai ki yeh remake dekhkar public ho sakti hai behosh?

Julie: Is mein apni koi nayi discovery ko cast mat karna, kyonki public Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke performances ko abhi tak nahin hai bhooli.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham: Aapke remakes distributors aur public ko to de chuki hain bahut gham; aapke agle script mein hoga kya woh dum?

Kaho Na Pyaar Hai: Aur audience ka ek aur message bhi aap kaan kholkar sun lena: is film ka remake banaane ka idea ekdum bekaar hai.

Karz: Jaldi se yeh karz chuka dijiye Ramuji, kyonki audience ko pakaana nahin banta hai aapka farz.

Koi Mil Gaya: Iska remake to aap banaane ki sochiye bhi mat. Humko agle din ke newspaper mein nahin padhna hai ki koi iska remake dekhke hil gaya.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Aur is film ko dekhkar audience mein baitha har member aur har distributor bahut rota hai.

Lagaan: Aapko is remake naam ke virus ne aise grip karke rakha hai ki aap kisi bhi achchi film ki remake ka sahara le rahe ho chalaane ke liye apni remake ki dukaan.

Love Story: Kab tak audience ko pakaaoge Ramuji? Kya aapke paas ek bhi script nahin hai jo original ho, matlab jiski nahin hui ho chori?

Maine Pyar Kiya: Yeh film aapki autobiography nahin hai; Aapki story ka to title hona chahiye: maine industry mein nayi heroines ko chance baar baar diya.

Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya?: Yeh Maine Pyar Kiya ka sequel to nahin, phir bhi aap iska remake banaane se pehle soch lijiye: maine in sab heroines ko break kyon diya?

Mangal Pandey–The Rising: Flop film ka bakwaas remake banaaoge to historical film ka hysterical remake banega. Nahin samjhe? No problem, it’s hardly surprising!

Mann: Remake banaane ke chakkar mein kyon barbaad kar rahe ho itna dhan?

Masti: Mehengai ke zamaane mein aap kaise banaate ho itne saare filmon ke remakes, aur who bhi itni sasti?

Mughal-E-Azam: Audience ko ticket ke saath milega Hajmola ka free packet, kyonki who nahin kar paayenge is film ke remake ko hazam.

Munnabhai M.B.B.S.: Is film ka remake banaaoge to yaad rakhna: you will be in an extremely big mess!

Paap: Flop filmein banaakar humko mat pakaaiye, Coppola ke najaayaz baap!

Page 3: Aapke remakes dekhna kisi third-degree torture se kum nahin. Jab public theatre se film dekhke nikalti hai to kehti hai, “we are free!”

Paheli: Ramuji, aap filmein hi kyon banaate hain, yehi hai sabse badi paheli.

Pukar: Nikaal dijiye apne dimaag se is film ka remake banaane ka vichaar, nahin to iska natija ho sakta hai bahut bekaar.

Qurbani: Come on Ramuji, aap kab denge is classic film ki remake banaane ke idea ki qurbani?

Raaz: Aapka yeh remake fixation hi hai public aur distributors ke liye sabse bada raaz. Kab aaoge is aadat se baaz?

Rang De Basanti: Aaj kal chor bhi bahut creative ho gaye hain. Copying ko inspiration to keh sakte ho, par yaad rakhiye: har classic ki remake achchi nahin banti.

Refugee: Agar kabhi aapko kisi producer ne offer kiya is picture ka remake banaane ka chance, to public par meherbaani karo aur please refuse jee.

Shaan: Ramuji, aap kyon is picture ko phir se banaakar lena chahte ho public aur distributors ki jaan?

Silsila: Lagta hai abhi tak tumhara remake waala bukhaar utra nahin. Kya remake banaane ke liye koi aur classic film ka script nahin mila?

Style: Style maarna koi buri baat nahin hai, par kum se kum original stories to likhiye. Kab band karoge yeh doosre film makers ki filmon se inspired scripts ki file?

Taal: Is film ke remake ko dekhkar to pakka hoga audience ke har member aur har distributor ka haal behaal.

Teesri Kasam: Pehli kasam: bahut heroines ko break diya; doosri kasam: kuch original filmein banaayi; ab kha lijiye remakes nahin banaane ki kasam.

Teesri Manzil: Jis dukaan se tum inspiration ke liye DVD lete ho, woh ek building ke third floor par hai; lift band hai; wahan time pe pahunchna hai bahut mushkil.

The Burning Train: Humko maloom hai aapne burning issues par koi film nahin banaayi, par kum se kum trained logon ko to break dijiye, nahin to your film will go down the drain.