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Simian slur irks Symonds

2008-01-23T21:41:00.000-08:00

Simian slur irks Symonds

By: Akshay A. Kalbag

The 2007-2008 edition of the Border-Gavaskar Trophy, which symbolises cricketing relations between India and Australia, has so far been characterised by allegations of racist taunts and a series of umpiring blunders by the two biased B's (Messrs. Steve Bucknor and Mark Benson).

Charles Darwin, who propounded the theory of evolution (in which he said man's ancestors were apes), must be turning in his grave and is probably being cursed by the primate population of the world because Andrew Symonds, the dreadlocked Australian all-rounder, complained about being called a 'big monkey' by none other than the off-spinner from Punjab, Harbhajan Singh (who is affectionately known as Bhajji).

The allegations of racism levelled by Symonds (known to his teammates as Symmo) against the bowler also known as the 'Turbanator' do not befit a thirty-something cricketer. In fact, even an eight-year-old would scoff at the Aussie, because the word 'monkey' is not considered offensive even by elementary school kids, who are more likely to use it to mock their peers at the playground.

Having said that, newspapers in the cricket-playing nations of the world probably reported what Symonds interpreted as monkey. What the ebullient Sikh actually uttered may have been on the lines of ' teri maa ki' (which is a popular term of endearment in the northern part of India, where Harbhajan hails from). Another theory states that he could have cordially invited Symonds to his home in Jallandhar for a hearty meal of makkai di roti and sarson da saag.

While the turbaned tweaker found himself in the eye of a storm for engaging in seemingly harmless banter (or is it ' bandar'?) with the burly Queenslander, one of Symonds' mates 'hogged' the limelight for giving the controversy a new spin (literally). The only difference between the comments made by Harbhajan and those made by Brad Hogg was that the ones by the Australian left-arm spinner were far more derogatory than the ones made by the Indian offie.

Hogg should be rechristened Bad Hogg immediately for implying that the Indian captain Anil Kumble and his deputy Mahendra Singh Dhoni were born out of wedlock. However, the Indian players, true to their 'cricket's nice guys' image, dropped the charges of abuse against him. Now we only wish good sense had prevailed upon Kumble's opposite number Ricky Ponting and his teammates as well, and they'd taken the Harbhajan-Symonds case with a bucketful of salt.

Since the commencement of the four-Test series between India and Australia Down Under, the media and the public have been focusing so much on the alleged misdemeanours of Harbhajan, Symonds and Hogg, that they have failed, as usual, to see the big picture, namely the umpiring controversy.

Every person in India is an expert on cricket, and the lack of judgment on the part of the umpires led the blue billion to believe that the Sydney Test was being played between eleven Indians and thirteen Australians. Incidentally, the word 'blue' here refers to the mood in India after Australia took an unassailable 2-0 lead in the four-Test series.

For almost two decades, we know about the exploits of the Waugh twins, Steve and Mark, who donned Australia's baggy green caps and had opposition bowlers quaking in their boots. The ongoing Test series between India and Australia will always be remembered for the dubious decisions made by their namesakes in white coats, namely Steve Bucknor and Mark Benson.

While former West Indian fast bowler Michael Holding (who is now a popular television commentator) was nicknamed 'Whispering Death', his compatriot Bucknor has earned himself the sobriquet 'Slow Death', because of the time he takes to raise his finger and signal the end of a batsman's innings. Bucknor is now the seniormost member of the International Cricket Council's (ICC) Elite Panel of umpires.

The Indian team and the spectators would like to believe that the Jamaican official suffers from visual and hearing impairment, and feel he would be a misfit even in a cricket match for the blind, let alone a Test match. Bucknor has been Team India's nemesis for a long time now, and they can breathe a sigh of relief that he will take no part in the remainder of the series.

Not much is known about Benson though, except that the umpire from England was Bucknor's partner in crime in the Sydney Test and has now been shown the door along with the West Indian.

After a sad fortnight in the history of Indian cricket, it is perhaps fitting that the duo has been replaced by a pair whose personalities are as different from each other as chalk and cheese: the Pakistani umpire Asad Rauf and the man with the crooked finger, New Zealand's Billy Bowden.

There is an interesting speculation doing the rounds about the future of the two beleaguered umpires, Mark Benson and Steve Bucknor. While Benson will probably go back to England and tend to his hedges, Bucknor, on the other hand, might announce his retirement soon, return to his native Jamaica and cut a reggae album under the pseudonym Stevie Blunder.

If Rauf's fellow Pakistani umpire Aleem Dar took controversial decisions in the manner of Bucknor and Benson, he would upset Andrew Symonds so much that he would be compelled to request the ICC to ban Dar. The call to ban the Pakistani umpire is a part of a vicious cycle, because 'ban Dar' sounds like 'bandar' (the Hindi word for monkey), which is what he claims Harbhajan Singh called him.

The Indians are sing(h)ing har bhajan and hoping that the umpires are kind to them and also that there is no repetition of the fracas between Bhajji and Symmo the simian. The Aussies are praying that Andrew Symonds is the (mon)key to their success and Brad Hogg stops giving both Australians and pigs a bad name. And, last but not the least, passionate cricket fans like us hope that the umpires, Rauf and Billy, are able to prevent the situation on the field from getting silly.

Prince Charles' Wedding: A Dabbawallah's Diary Entry

2007-09-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

Place: Mumbai
Date: xx/xx/2005

Namaskar Mandali,

Mee Mumbaikar. Dabbawallah. Bole toh, one of the people who are in the tiffin delivery business. We supply tiffins containing hot meals to thousands of hungry office-goers in the city of Mumbai every day.

Mee, bole toh Mumbai Dabbawallah Association ka president. Solid vat hai, boss! A typical day in the life of a Mumbai dabbawallah begins around 7.00 a.m., six days a week. After going from door to door and collecting te tiffins containing home-made food for delivery to various offices, we catch the 8:00 a.m. Dadar fast local train and read Churchgate in about an hour, deliver all the tiffins and return by the afternoon. Our boys cover all the areas in Mumbai.

One morning, all the newspapers excitedly brought out a headline on their front pages, which said that Britain's Yuvraj Charlekar (bole toh apun ka Prince Charles) was scheduled to arrive in Mumbai that day. All of us were very excited about Charlekar's visit to Mumbai after a long time. Why were we so thrilled? Charlekar, sitting in his plush chamber at the Buckingham Palace, had read a newspaper report on Mumbai's dabbawallahs and wanted to meet us during his stay in the city. He invited my colleague and me to his wedding. We gladly accepted the invitation to go to Britain as his personal guests. He promised us that he would personally look after us, and that we would be treated as though we are some Indian rajahs ourselves.

On the day of our departure to London, bole toh apun ka graduation ho gaya. From Mumbai ke local train ka second-class compartment to Yuvraj Charlekar ka private jet. The second part of this entry is about our experiences at Charlekar's second wedding.

Place: Buckingham Palace, Britain
Date: xx/xx/2005

Mee, bole toh Mumbai Dabbawallah Association ka president, writing this entry at the huge desk in the guest room of Charlekar's palace in the United Kingdom. Today is the wedding of Yuvraj Charlekar and his long-time mistress Kamlabai Parkar-Bole. Both are into their second m arriages. Charlekar was, if you recall, married to Princess Diana (whom he calls Princess Daayan), who is, sadly, no longer in our midst today, due to her death in a tragic accident. Actually it is a blessing in disguise, because poor Di would not have been able to bear the thought of her husband marrying an older and more hideous woman. They also have two sons, Billu and Hari (bole toh, William and Harry).

Kamlabai, on the other hand, also has two children form her previous marriage. They are now step-siblings to princes Billu and Hari. Anyway, the wedding went off quite well with just one small hitch: Britain's maharani, Queen Elizabeth, bole toh Charlekar ki maa, didn't show up at her son's wedding with Kamlabai, because she doesn't approve of "that other woman" as his bride, and by extension, the Queen of England.

We gifted the couple a steel dabba. We're poor people, so please don't expect us to present them a gold-plated one. We then returned to Mumbai by the same private jet that's owned by Charlekar.

All members of the Dabbawallah Association of Mumbai wish Yuvraj Charlekar and Kamlabai Parker-Bole a very long, happy and successful married life!!!

Indian Demo-Crazy: The Woes of a Citizen

2007-09-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

The former president of the United States of America, Abraham Lincoln, defined a democratic government as "a government of the people, for the people and by the people". But poor Lincoln must be turning in his grave on seeing how our Indian politicians have redefined democracy. In the Indian context, the word democracy is defined as "a form of government that puts off the people, is far away from the people and bids goodbye to the people". A stable government is a rarity these days. India is the world's largest democracy (or should I say 'demo-crazy'?)

Even the elections held in the month of April 2004 threw up an unexpected surprise. The Divided Regressive Split government, which was misleadingly named the United Progressive Alliance (UPA), came to power at the Centre, led by a brilliant and refreshingly honest 'Man'. But alas, after one year in power, the economist who became India's prime minister now seems like a puppet in the hands of a foreigner. It is a great excuse for the opposition leaders to raise the issue of the foreign hand in Parliament. This foreign hand, as long as it continues to hold the PM's reins, will ensure that the government will always be 'Sonia' to the targets it has to achieve, yet it will always remain far away from achieving them.

An Indian politician has for long been perceived as a corrupt unscrupulous person without either morals or remorse. Parliament has become a safe haven for such (La)loose characters, who are involved in so many scams that it has almost become a part of their resumes. For instance, it is 'fodder' for thought that the former chief mnister of Bihar, who later had his wife, a mother of nine, sworn in for the coveted post, eventually became the Union Minister for Railways in the present government. The question is: who gave the dishonourable minister the green signal to take the hapless Indian citizens for a (train) ride? And the lady who was once in power in Patna-well, her name sounds like that of a popular dessert, but the experience in the state of Bihar during the couple's tenure has been bitter. But as the man himself would quip, "Kaa karen, aur kounu chaara hi nahin hai na?"

On the other hand, we also have a contrasting image of the leaders who are as spotless as their crisp white dhoti-kurtas. But they are, sadly but truly, a rare and almost extinct breed now. One such shining example is our brilliant finance minister. He is the onl person in the entire cbinet with some credibility and who is worthy of being called an honourable minister. Mr. P. Chidambaram is a veteran and has held the finance minister's portfolio in the past as well. But the pressure is on him to prove himself as the only squeaky-clean leader amongst the ruffians in the political wrestling ring. He has to use his intelligence to bring India out of its long-standing fiscal deficit. He also has to work in tandem with the prime minister, Dr. Manmohan Sngh (himself a noted economist) and also, of course, with the real P.M., Madam Sonia Gandhi, whose Italian origin will continue to be the bone of contention for the leaders of the opposition parties.

I hope the current governemt, unlike some of its predecessors, remains 'Atal' and does not end up becoming a victim of its own (Ad)vanities. But for now, all I can say is Indian politics will be able to see the (Thacke)ray of light at the end of the tunnel only when our netas in Delhi, irrespective of whether they belong to the ruling party and the opposition, stop chatter(jee)ing when (Lok Sabha Speaker) Somnath is in his chair.

Revamping Ranji Trophy Cricket

2007-09-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

In countries like Australia, England and South Africa, the competitive first-class cricket structure is the most important reason why these teams have been enjoying a lot of success in all forms of the game off-late. Their domestic competitions throw up a lot of competent reserve players, who can be given Test or One-day International caps whenever a player is injured or rested (or in some cases, dropped for disciplinary reasons). For example, when the legendary Australian leg-spinner Shane Warne was serving a one-year ban for testing positive for a banned substance in a dope test conducted during the World Cup in 2003, he was immediately replaced by another young and talented player in the side, because Australian domestic cricket has plenty of such prospects who are ready and eagerly waiting to grab every opportunity to prove themselves.

Apart from the usual domestic competitions like the County Championship in England and the ones featuring the Australian state sides and the South African provinces, these countries have also started becoming a lot more innovative with their domestic one-day cricket. They have introduced a competition in which their domestic teams are divided into two divisions. They play all the teams in their group to qualify for the latter stages of the tournament. The top team in the second division is promoted to the first division based on its performance and the bottom team in the first division is relegated to the second division. This is an incentive for all the counties, states or provinces to maintain their good performance of the previous season and constantly try to improve. The players then work harder and constantly try to get better, not only in their respective departments of specialisation (that is, the batsmen try to score runs more consistently, the fast bowlers work harder to bowl faster and take more wickets and the spin bowlers also work harder to add to their tally of wickets and add more variety to their armoury of deliveries), but the standards of fielding and fitness levels of these players also improve considerably.

The Twenty20 version of cricket has revolutionised the way one-day cricket is played in some countries, including the ones mentioned above. It is an innovative concept in which the matches are played over just three hours instead of the whole day or over a number of days. The players have to score as many runs as they can in the allotted twenty overs. There are new rules for fielding restrictions as well in this new format. It was, ironically, started in England (the birthplace of the sport as a whole), which, for a long time, was considered to be a pretty traditional cricketing nation (however, that impression is, slowly but surely, changing now.) Since then, it has caught on in Australia, South Africa and Pakistan. Twenty20 cricket tournaments are expected to be organised in other countries as well over a period of time. It is a great chance for players who are known to score runs quickly and heavily, like New Zealand all-rounder Chris Cairns, Australian wicket-keeper/batsman Adam Gilchrist, Australia's Matthew Hayden, Indian opener Virender Sehwag, Pakistani all-rounder Shahid Afridi and former Sri Lankan captain Sanath Jayasuriya, to name a few, to match wits with bowlers, many of whom are normally mean and economical in their bowling analysis, such as ace Sri Lankan off-spinner Muttiah Muralitharan, Australian pace spearheads Glenn McGrath, Brett Lee and Jason Gillespie, South African fast bowlers Shaun Pollock and Makhaya Ntini, Sri Lanka's Chaminda Vaas, Indian left-armers Zaheer Khan and Irfan Pathan and Pakistani pacers Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammed Sami, among others. The Twenty20 format would prove to be a great boost to the careers of all-rounders because it is basically a format in which the team needs players who can adapt quickly, score, heavily and then try to bowl the opposition out as quickly as possible. The Twenty20 Cup also attracts a lot of eyeballs on television and is a lucrative option for sponsors.

Coming back to the main point of this topic, I am of the opinion that Indian domestic cricket needs a serious revamp, and the changes have to be drastic, not makeshift ones. As a cricket fan, I would any dad prefer to watch an English County Championship match or a Twenty20 Cup match on television or view the scoreboard online rather than follow my own city (Mumbai) or state (Maharashtra) team's performance in India's premier domestic cricket competition, namely the Ranji Trophy. In fact, it is not surprising that very few people watch the Ranji Trophy, Duleep Trophy and Irani Trophy matches. Firstly, the tickets to a match played at Mumbai's Wankhede Stadium or at the Eden Gardens in Kolkata are very expensive and beyond the reach of the common Indian cricket fan. Secondly, most of these matches are not telecast on Doordarshan, unlike the matches that are played by the county sides in England, which are shown every season on ESPN-Star Sports.

Our weak domestic structure is also clearly divided on elitist lines, with the traditional cricketing powerhouses such as Mumbai, Delhi, Karnataka, Hyderabad, Bengal, Tamil Nadu, Punjab, Railways, etc. in the Elite Group, and the weaker teams in the Plate Group. Within these two groups also, there is a distinction that seems pretty unfair. The Elite 'A' and Elite 'B' groups have teams that have Indian internationals in their ranks (whenever they play domestic cricket) and teams that have players who have either played a few international matches or are on the verge of making it to the senior Indian squad. Even though both the Plate 'A' group and the Plate 'B' group have weak teams and do not have many star players to boast of, the Plate 'A' group represents the stronger teams amongst the minnows of Indian domestic cricket. Money is possibly the primary factor that influences this distinction, considering that the Board for Control of Cricket in India (BCCI) and its former president, Jagmohan Dalmiya are the richest cricket administrators in the world.

These are my suggestions to revamp the Ranji Trophy tournament in India:

India should introduce Twenty20 Cup cricket in one of its forthcoming domestic seasons, and telecast the matches live on the sports channels, as they are done live from England on ESPN-Star Sports when the county teams are playing. This will not only attract more eyeballs on television, but also the Indian team's star players might be interested in playing for their state sides, just like in England, where their cricketers play domestic cricket, turning out for their counties despite a busy international schedule.

An experimental tournament must be organised like the one conducted by the Indian Hockey Federation (IHF) earlier this year. The Premier Hockey League (PHL) was quite successful in attracting a lot of sponsors and viewership increased as well. The hockey administrators in the country were thus able to revive the country's (waning)interest in its official national sport by organising the PHL tournament. India's cricketers must be divided into five zonal teams, namely the Central Zone, the East Zone, the North Zone, the South Zone and the West Zone. They should be given interesting names and coloured clothing, limited overs, white balls, substitutions, etc. must be allowed. The matches should be played under floodlights. The captain of each of the five zonal teams should be a member of Team India, viz Mohammed Kaif (Central Zone), Sourav Ganguly (East Zone), Virender Sehwag (North Zone), Rahul Dravid (South Zone) and Sachin Tendulkar (West Zone).

The coaches must be appointed either from these zones or ex-cricketers should be in charge of all the five teams. The current India coach, Greg Chappell (the former Australian batsman and captain), should lso be taken into confidence as well.

It would also be a good idea to invite players from Bangaldesh, Kenya and Zimbabwe and 'A' team players from other countries to play in this tournament. It would also give them a lot of international exposure, as the Indian conditions are among the toughest conditions to adapt to for a touring party from another country.

I would like India's cricket authorities to take up this matter very strongly, as our cricket structure needs a booster shot for it to improve and our players to be more equipped to go on tours abroad. The results of Team India off late have been pretty inconsistent, and a core group of sorts has emerged in the Indian team, with the same twenty names with a few minor changes making it to every list of probables announced by the board.

Indian actresses evince interest in working in Bond movies

2007-08-26T02:31:00.000-07:00

Indian actresses evince interest in working in Bond movies

Unofficial Hollywood sources, on conditions of strict anonymity, have finally revealed a little inside story. The hunky actor with the pierc(e)ing blue eyes, who plays James Bond, is looking for a new leading lady to be cast opposite him in his next film. The producers of the 007 franchise have sent word to several actresses, who would do just about anything for this once in a lifetime chance to bond with the best.

Bollywood, too, is very excited about an opportunity for one of its beauties to hit the big-time. The India-based agents of the producers of the 007 franchise have short-listed twelve mainstream Hindi film actresses as likely candidates to get their licence to thrill (and chill) with the handsome secret agent. These actresses wrote personal letters to Bond (Pierce Brosnan), who likes it "shaken, but not stirred", and expressed their interest in working in a James Bond flick.

Here's what they wrote to the spy. We cannot blame Bond if he is in a dilemma over which of the twelve Bollywood heroines he should choose to be cast opposite himself in his next movie.

1. Aishwarya Rai:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Aishwarya Rai, one of India's most popular and viv(ek)acious actresses. Before entering the movies, I was a beauty queen. My male fans never 'miss' my movies for the 'world'. After the initial years of struggle, during which I wore a pair of faded 'jeans', I finally hit the big-time with a couple of blockbusters from one of the most talented directors in this country, Sanjay Leela Bhansali. I was proud to be associated with one of the most expensive films ever made in India, Devdas. I believe I am an Indian actress with an international face. I am, however, hoping never to be associated with a man who proclaims his masculinity by adding the word 'man' as a suffix to his name (e.g. Sal'man' and Letter'man'.) You would have seen me on the Oprah Winfrey talk show, where I showed Oprah the right way to wear a saree. Is it okay with you if I perform my scenes as the next Bond girl in a saree, including the stunts? I am quite uncomfortable with kissing on screen as well, so I hope the directors would kindly keep that in mind. I hope my dreams of bonding with you do not end up in 'Ash'es.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Aishwarya Rai.

2. Amisha Patel:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Amisha Patel. I am basically a smart young woman, but I have a problem portraying both smartness and youth in my characters on screen. My directors think I am too mature for my age, and they accordingly give me mature and over-smart roles to play. Well, the less said about all my movies that released after my first two movies (to date, my two biggest hits), the better it would be for the both of us. I only hope you will boost my career by saying 'Kaho Naa ... Pyaar Hai' to me on screen. I think we will create Gadar together on screen. What say, Mr. Bond? As far as my personal life is concerned, there's a lot more happening there (problems with the family, a relationship with a director, etc.), which helps me stay in the news. As it is, my career graph is not 'rising', but it is continuously and steadily falling.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Amisha Patel.

3. Bipasha Basu:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Bipasha Basu, the leading lady with the hot 'jism'. You are no 'ajnabee' to me, and it is no 'raaz' that I would like to work with you. Having been a ramp model myself before entering the film industry, I am familiar with the adage that models cannot act, but that is absolutely untrue in my case. I can not only act, but I also sometimes tend to overact a bit. I have been involved in two wonderful relationships, and both the men are hunks. The first one was in the 'Dino'saur age, and I later said to him, "Yeh dil maange no More(a)". I am currently dating another model-turned-actor, John Abraham, and we're a hot pair who've created a bit of 'Dhoom' together. Though Bips' (that my nickname) heart flips only for John, I am willing to make an exception in your case. I am absolutely comfortable doing just about anything on screen.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Bipasha Basu.

4. Celina Jaitley:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Celina Jaitley. I made my debut in an Indian flick that had a very modern, international look. Fardeen Khan (my co-star), the violin, the superbikes, the hot women in bikinis-all these were reminiscent of a James Bond flick. But unfortunately, the Indian audience has a very short memory. It conveniently got a lot shorter when I enacted my role on screen. My performance was so utterly unbearable: my husky voice and my light eyes had no takers as it is, but when they portrayed me as a blind violinist on a beach wearing a skimpy swimsuit, the audience regretted spending so much money to watch me play my violin, which was out of tune. The public turned a deaf ear to my off-key violin playing ability (or the sore lack of it, perhaps) and also turned a blind eye to my supermodel figure that was on full display in that skimpy bikini. I agree that getting a part in a Bond movie is no child's 'khel', but I am certainly looking forward to prove my credentials as an actress. If I am accepted in Hollywood, I can also get married to a good-looking martial arts movie star, and thereby change my name to Celina Jet Li.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Celina Jaitley.

5. Kareena Kapoor:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Kareena Kapoor (a.k.a. Bebo), the babe with loads of attitude. My directors give me roles that give me ample scope to show off both my skin and my attitude. Well, the less said about all the movies I've acted in (except 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham') the better, because they're all like bad 'yaadein'. This is not the industry I have grown up in. Bollywood is like a 'refugee' camp, where talent is not appreciated if it happens to belong to a famous filmi family. Even 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham' (K3G) gave its entire cast and crew just that: 'kabhi khushi, bahut gham'. I have no 'aitraaz' in doing bold scenes on screen, but trust me, I will never be a 'bewafaa' to you. I would really love to be cast opposite you in your next film, as it is a matter of great honour and pride for any actress to be known as a Bond girl.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Kareena Kapoor.

6. Lara Dutta:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Lara Dutta, the former Miss Universe. I think I fit the bill perfectly for this role. This is because I am a tough, sporty woman who loves adventure sports. I am most comfortable doing dangerous stunts outdoors, just like the ones women are expected to perform in your movies. I am a desi Lara Croft, but unlike Angelina Jolie's feminine features, I look manly and talk in a deep voice. I enjoyed working in movies like 'Andaaz' and performing an item number in 'Khakee'. Will the Bond mive have an item number. James, please 'Kaal' me whenever you want to, and we'll discuss the script, etc. I am hoping we act together. We'll do a lot of 'masti' on the sets together.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Lara Dutta.

7. Mallika Sherawat:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Mallika Sherawat, Bollywood's hottest heroine to date. Bachke Rehna Re, Bond! I hail from Haryana, where women are conservative, and men treat them as if they were their hapless goats or cows. But I am bold, rebellious, strong, independent and sexy. In fact, I have no qualms about kissing on screen either, as I have created a record an Indian record of sorts for the maximum number of smooches in Bollywood movies (with seventeen kisses in my debut movie, 'Khwahish'). All my life, I have longed for a chance to work with you. I can get away with both 'murder' and hot scenes, and to prove that my credentials as an actress are not just a 'myth', I am now working with Jackie Chan, the actor from Hong Kong who is Hollywood's most successful star of Asian origin. I have a great body and I believe that if you have it, flaunt it. I am a reporter's dream, because of the spicy soundbytes I give at every interview.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Mallika Sherawat.

8. Preity Zinta:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Preity Zinta, it is my 'lakshya' to work with you. From the first day I stepped into Bollywood, I prayed 'dil se' that one day I would get a role opposite you. My 'dil chahta hai' that I become a Bond girl. 007 Zinta-baad! Hope you will invite me to read the script of your film preity soon.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Preity Zinta.

9. Priyanka Chopra:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Priyanka Chopra. I hope you have no problem if I come for the audition for the role of the new Bond girl. I have absolutely no 'aitraaz' doing any kind of role you offer me.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Priyanka Chopra.

10. Rani Mukherjee:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Rani Mukherjee. I am currently the Queen Bee reigining Bollywood. Whenever I think about you, 'kuch kuch hota hai'. In fact, 'bahut kuch hota hai'. I have been a huge fan of yours ever since I was younger. I do not mind even if I have to play the role of a 'ghulam' in a Bond film. Leta kya audition? Before I wrote this letter to you expressing my desire to star in a Bond movie, my life was like a 'paheli'. It was all black, until I discovered that you are the ray of hope for an actress like me. So what say, will your next film star 'hum' and 'tum'? Maybe you could name it 'Bondy aur Babli'.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Rani Mukherjee.

11. Shilpa Shetty:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Shilpa Shetty. I am willing to do anything to work in a Bond movie. I have been waiting for this chance for a very long time. I am hoping this character has a hot item number and some exciting stunts, which I am really looking forward to do. Phir Milenge.

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Shilpa Shetty.

12. Urmila Matondkar:

Dear James,

Hi! I am Urmila Matondkar. I am always eager to take up something new and exciting, and I am sure this is naother wonderful opportunity to prove my acting abilities. Mr. Bond, I will, however, do this movie only on two conditions: firstly, m ust have an item number picturised on me like the one in the otherwise forgettable China Gate, and secondly, the director of the Bond movie must be our very own Ramuji (Ram Gopal Varma).

Hoping to hear from you at the earliest.

Yours sincerely,

Urmila Matondkar.

Are you wondering which one of these has been able to convince James Bond? I can't blame you, because I am too.

Remixes: A Temporary Fad

2007-08-26T00:21:00.000-07:00

Remixes: A Temporary Fad

If you have been watching music videos on television or listening to any of the private FM radio stations these days, you would have seen or heard an increasing number of appalling and absolutely vulgar numbers doing the rounds on practically every show.

The procedure involved in making these cheap and crass songs is quite simple really. All you have to do is take an old Hindi film song, add a funky hip-hop beat with a rapper belting out some qite incomprehensible rubbish and get some nubile half-naked women to gyrate their well-toned hips to the tunes churned out by some deejay who seems to have little or no knowledge of his 'art' and has, in fact, made an entire career out of mutilating these great compositions of old maestros, just for the sake of filthy lucre.

It is, no doubt, proving to be a commercially successful venture for the concerned record company, music video director, DJ, singer(s) and models, but it is responsible for the sore lack of real talent in the modern-day music industry in India.

Remixes are a temporary fad. They will, sooner or later, be rejected by the genuine aficionados of music, because they are in extremely poor taste. Real music connoisseurs scoff at this as just a passing trend, which will soon fad away into oblivion. Public memory is too short anyway, and in case of such atrocious stuff, which is just made in the name of large-scale commercialisation of music these days, it is bound to be much shorter.

I, for one, would doff my hat to anyone who would care to show me one classy remix that has come out of any record company in the last few years.

Swapping a bat for a ladle is not every cricketer's cup of tea

2007-08-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

Swapping a bat for a ladle is not every cricketer's cup of tea

'Master Blaster' Sachin Tendulkar has done it twice in Mumbai, Indian captain Sourav Ganguly has done it once in Kolkata and now it's the turn of India's left-arm medium pace-bowling spearhead Zaheer Khan, who is doing it in our very own city, Pune. No, please don't get any wild ideas: they have entered the restaurant business in a very big way!

But while we just have to wait and see how well (or badly) our cricketers' joints (and no, I am not referring to Tendulkar's elbows) are doing, I have a serious word of caution to a bunch of other players in the country who aspire to follow in the footsteps of Messrs. Tendulkar, Ganguly and Khan-please stick to playing cricket and do not even think about opening any more cricket-themed eateries, because swapping a bat (or a ball, as the case may be) for a ladle isn't every cricketer's cup of tea.

The list of top ten cricketers who should not even consider entering the restaurant business is as follows:

1. Mohammed Azharuddin: My apologies to Lou Bega (the singer who crooned Mambo No. 5) for twisting a line from his famous number, but this should explain why the former Indian skipper should refrain from starting an eatery: "A lot of Bijlani by his side, a little biryani can make him wide". Of course, the wristy Hyderabadi batsman, known for his penchant for fitness, could think of aplace that serves health food. An area into which Azhar shouldn't even think of venturing is bars and pubs, unless he wants to entertain drunken wags who'll go up to the bartender and say, "Hey, fix me a whisky with soda on the rocks!"

2. Rahul Dravid: Dada may be the captain, but his deputy is smart enough not to follow in the current Idian skipper's footsteps in everything he does. Dravid should ideally stick to his classy technique and impeccable temperament at the batting crease. It would be unwise for India's vice-captain to shift his focus to the business of dishing out food. if he has plans to open a restaurant in the future (post-retirement, that is), he should invest in a cricket-themed restaurant with his personal cricketing memorabilia adorning 'the Walls'. There's no cricket fan out there who wouldn't be up to the idea of jamming with Jammy.

3. Virender Sehwag: Veeru has two options if he wants to start a restaurant. One, he can set up a cosy place in the heart of Najafgarh that serves up hot home-cooked meals prepared by Sehwag ki maa. Secondly, he could consider opening a milk booth, where the sales of dairy products could 'Boost' the Nawab of Najafgarh's bank balance to a great extent. After all, doodh-shoodh peena padta hai. However, he should not consider both options. We cannot afford to have some (seh) wags knowing the secret of Veeru's energy.

4. Harbhajan Singh/Yuvraj Singh: Picture this: a hungry truck driver, driving down the national highway from Jalandhar to Chandigarh. He had had his last meal a long time ago, at a dhaba in Jaladhar, owned by India's ace off-spinner Harbhajan Singh. After pampering his taste-buds with some hot 'pav-Bhajji', he hits the road again and proceeds on the journey to Chandigarh. Once the truck driver reaches his destination, he wants to grab a quick bite again, before he can move on to the next town. He orders a tall glass of cool lassi at a restaurant owned by the young and dashing Punjab and India southpaw (Yuvraj Singh). This, he hopes will protect him from the harsh 'Yuvi' rays of the sun and keep him cool during the next leg of his journey. However, he learns a mutilated version of Newton's law the hard way: 'For every (supposedly illegal) action, there is an equal, opposite and doosra reaction'. He falls ill and wonders whether he should have just stayed at home and had a hot plate of bhajjis or (yuv) rajma instead.

5. Anil Kumble: If the engineer-turned-leg-spinner from Bangalore decides to enter the food business, most probably he will start a bakery, whose main activity would be baking cookies. Kumble is a toughie, and has never been known to k (r) umble (sorry, crumble) under pressure. However, although Jumbo has the record for the most number of Test wickets by an Indian bowler to his name, the cookies he'd bake should hopefully be more unpredictable that his googlies and leg-breaks. Well, here's hoping the cookie never k (r) umbles.

6. Vinod Kambli: A man is known by the company he keeps. Kambli is certainly in great company, because he can count master blaster Sachin Tendulkar as one of his childhood buddies. The flashy Mumbaikar, inspired by his best pal Tendulkar, will open a 'wada-pav' and 'cutting chai' stall opposite Tendulkar's (the restaurant) at Colaba in south Mumbai. After a promising start to his international cricketing career, he had faded out of public memory for a while. He then appeared in a Bollywood movie, which didn't exactly set the box office on fire. Since he hasn't heard from the national selectors for a long time, he can probably supply them a box of 'wada-pavs and glasses of piping hot cutting chai'. At least this is one alternative career for which he might get everyone's collective (Vi) nod.

7. V.V.S. Laxman: Why should the stylish Hyderabadi stay away from opening an eatery? The answer is simple: in the restaurant business, the competition is so cut-throat that you cannot afford to be a lax man. It is 281-derful that all VVS' colleagues have decided to enter the food business, but opening a restaurant is not as easy as a walk in the Eden Gardens. And, of course, there is the additional danger of another man who would come knocking at Laxman's door when he's least expecting it: the tax man. So it's a Very Very Special resquest to the Hyderabad batsman to concentrate on cementing his place in the Indian team and not to shift his focus onto the activities of the restaurant business.

8. L. Balaji/Irfan Pathan/Ashish Nehra: Trust India's young pace trio to come up with something fast. In an age where fast food, prompt service (with a toothy smile, thanks to Balaji) and speedy delivery are the keys to survival in the restaurant business, they will have to face some severe competition from the fast food giants. They'll only survive if Balaji can find enough 'laxmi' in the cash register, the (ir) fans are replaced by air-conditioners and of course, they have a steady supply of (a) shish kababs.

9. Ajit Agarkar: Time to bring on the appetising 'sol kadhi', sit back, relax and wait patiently for the 'bombil fry'. Does this ring a bell? Well, Mumbai's right-arm medium-pace bowler Ajit Agarkar's career in international cricket started off on a spectacular note in 1998, when he became the fastest bowler to reach fifty wickets in One-day Internationals. Well, that was the 'sol kadhi' bit. A year later, his batting became a sort of joke in some sections of the Australian press, when he scored ducks in five innings of a series of three Tests against the Aussies on India's tour Down Under. We saw our 'all-rounder' do just that: have a bunch of round figures (zeroes) to his name on the scoreboard. The skinny Mumbaikar was nicknamed 'Bombay Duck'. However, he scored a century against England at Lord's, the Mecca of cricket, in 2002. But Agarkar should not enter the restaurant business anyway, because if he does, he'd make his customers wait for a long time before doing something spectacular again.

10. Mohammed Kaif/Parthiv Patel/Dinesh Mongia/Murali Kartik: A unique partnership of sorts, indeed! Although the youngster from Allahabad, Mohammed Kaif, is one of the fittest young cricketers and probably one of the fastest runners between the wickets, a 'Kaifetaria' ia not a suitable business option for him. It will take its own time and the food served there would not find favour with even the most hard-core fitness freaks. As for the others, customers would find Parthiv Patel's fare quite unpalatable. They would be as eager to part (hiv) with the young Gujarat wicket-keeper as the national selectors did. One more thing that could go against Parthiv is that his staff would be encouraged to take a leaf out of their boss' books. it won't be surprising if they keep dropping cutlery and crockery, just like Patel dropped catches behind the stumps. As for Dinesh Mongia, the handsome Punjabi from Chandigarh is quite 'dishy' himself, so the customers, especially the ladies, would go to the dashing left-hander's restaurant just to see if he is there. They'd come back having had their fill of the attractive cricketer, who would be more appealing to the eye than the dishes on the table. Well, if he ventures out of Punjab, he could think of setting up two branches of his restaurant, one in Lancashire and the other in Leicestershire, but of course, he'd have to withstand the competition from other Asians who serve up hot Indian curry, the current favourite among Britons. His attempts to 'curry' favour with the Indian selectors would go in vain as well. Meanwhile, Murali Kartik, the Railways left-arm spinner, will not even be able to get the green signal from the restaurant authorities. He will need a better 'platform' to exhibit his talent and get back into the team.

As cricket is considered to be a religion in India, these restaurants, started by the above-mentioned cricketers, will not be open on the days when the Indian team is playing a cricket match, as the waiters, chefs, etc. would be very busy watching their bosses play. In fact, they may even get motivated to pad up, swap their ladles, aprons and chef's hats for bats, pads, batting gloves and helmets and go out onto the field themselves, given the poor results on the Indian team in some recent matches. They may start thinking, "if these players can do it, then why can't we?"

KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)

2007-08-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

KAUN KISKO BLAME KAREGA? (KKBK)

By: Akshay A. Kalbag

Kaun Kisko Blame Karega?, which is abbreviated as KKBK, is a quiz show which features the Blue Billion and seven bigwigs from the cricketing fraternity in India. The Blue Billion is disappointed with the dismal performance of ‘the Men who gave us the Blues’ (a.k.a. the Indian cricket team) at the ongoing World Cup in the West Indies.

The show is not on air on any of the television channels (thankfully), but the venue is the headquarters of the Bored (sorry, Board) of Controlling Cricket in India (BCCI) and the contestants are Messrs. Sharad Pawar, Dilip Vengsarkar, Greg Chappell, Rahul Dravid, Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Anil Kumble.

Even though these gentlemen need no introduction, public memory is short, and so the Blue Billion must be reminded that Pawar is the president of the BCCI, Vengsarkar is the chairman of the selectors (a.k.a. the five ‘not-so-wise’ men), Chappell was till recently the coach of the Indian cricket team, Dravid is the captain of Team India, Tendulkar is the vice-captain of Team India, Ganguly (the former captain of Team India) is currently the seniormost batsman in the squad and Kumble (who has recently announced his retirement from One-day International cricket) is the seniormost bowler in the squad.

Amidst taunts of ‘Ooh Aah India, Phir Haarke Aaya India’, the seven gentlemen and the seven gentlemen who have accompanied them to the studio, namely Messrs. Niranjan Shah, Raj Singh Dungarpur, Lalit Modi, Sanjay Jagdale, Ian Frazer, Virender Sehwag and Zaheer Khan, take their seats. None of them (obviously) have a clue about the questions that await them when each of them takes the ‘hot seat’.

The host of the show, whose name has been withheld on his request, proceeds to explain the rules of the game to the seven contestants and announces the ‘fastest finger first’ round. Greg Chappell, who seems to have the fastest fingers in the Indian cricketing fraternity, wins the round hands (oops, fingers) down.

He takes the ‘hot seat’, scowls (obviously because he is feeling the heat) and flashes the now-infamous middle finger to the crowd. The host looks at his computer and says, “Mr. Chappell, your first question is: how has your experience as the coach of Team India been so far?” and then says, “Your four options are: (A) a nightmare, (B) a disaster, (C) one of the worst experiences of my life and (D) unforgettable”. Chappell flashes the finger and says, “All of the above.” When the host says there is no fifth option, Chappell says “(A) a nightmare”. He is absolutely sure and confident about his answer and promptly asks the host to lock the answer. The answer is correct, and Chappell wins one thousand rupees.

The second question that flashes on his computer screen. It says, “Which team did India beat at the 2007 World Cup?”, followed by the four options, (A) Bangladesh, (B) Bermuda, (C) Sri Lanka and (D) the West Indies. Without looking at the options, he promptly yells, “(B) Bermuda”, and the host reminds him that the hapless Bermudans are the only team his wards managed to beat at cricket’s premier one-day tournament. Greg flares up again and threatens to quit the show with the prize money he has won so far, which is two thousand rupees.

The host of the show politely shows the ex-India coach the door, just as the latter had done to Sourav Ganguly soon after he took over as the coach of the Indian team.

After guru Greg’s exit, the host announces that it is time for a commercial break, and quickly adds that none of the sponsors of the show have cricketers as brand ambassadors, in strict adherence to the board’s policy that no cricketer can endorse more than three products. The decision was taken after India’s dismal performance at the World Cup earlier this year.

During the break, the cricketers regroup and get into a huddle. This is one of the better sights in Indian cricket, as the fans have off-late gotten used to seeing our players getting into a muddle on several occasions. The group then comes up with a plan to improve the team’s collective and individual performances and they also discuss the pros and cons of appointing a foreign coach vis-à-vis an Indian one, despite their two previous experiences with goras at the helm of affairs.

The board, which had to deal with the contrasting personalities of two white coaches (the composed John Wright and the volatile Greg Chappell) for a duration of about seven years, has now decided that enough is enough as far as the blame game is concerned.

In order to stem the rot that currently ails Indian cricket, they have appointed two Indian coaches since the disastrous 2007 World Cup campaign, as a stop-gap arrangement. One is Ravi Shastri, the former India all-rounder-turned-television commentator, and the other is Chandu Borde, who has worn many hats during his association with Indian cricket, both as a player and as a manager.

Here’s hoping their understanding of cricket in India and their vast experience augur well for the future.

NO MORE REMAKES, RAMU!

2007-05-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

NO MORE REMAKES, RAMU!

By: Akshay A. Kalbag

Maverick filmmaker Ram Gopal Varma is now all set to remake Bollywood’s greatest blockbuster of all time, Sholay, and has tentatively titled his version of the film Ram Gopal Varma Ki Sholay.

Here are some other flicks, but it is highly advisable that Ramu refrains from remaking them. These are listed as follows, along with my tongue-in-cheek remarks about each of them in such a way that it sends out a clear message to Mr. Varma to resist the temptation to remake them. I, however, do not intend to offend any fan of RGV in any way.

Please note that the last word of each of the comments that appear next to each of the following film titles rhymes with the title of the movie.

1942–A Love Story: Kum se kum ab to aap kisi bhi film ka remake nahin banaane ka vaada kijiye. Ab to pakdi bhi jaa chuki hai aapki chori.

Aashiqui: Aap ki haalat bahut kharaab hogi jab distributors aapko yeh kahenge ki yeh film bilkul nahin biki.

Amar Prem: Aap is evergreen hit ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? It is indeed a shame!

Arth: Kum se kum is film ka remake to mat banaiye. Ek classic picture ka remake dekhkar log theatre se nikalte hue zaroor bolegi, “ho gaya anarth”.

Baghban: Is film ka remake banaakar aap audience ko to pakaaoge hi, aur saath mein distributors bhi ho jaayenge pareshaan.

Bheja Fry: Aap apni filmon se public ko bore karte ho. Lekin is film ke remake banane ki mat karna try, nahin to aapka remake kar dega audiences ki jeben khali aur bheje fry.

Bhoot: Please, for God’s sake, apni hi picture ke remake ko mat kijiye shoot.

Black: Bollywood ka ek bahut important rule yaad rakhna: agar is picture ka remake banaane ka soch bhi liya to you will face the flak.

Bobby: Ya to aapke dushman hai saare lovers ki lobby, ya public ko pakaana hai aapki purani hobby!

Border: Aap remakes banaana kab chhod rahe hain? Audience to pak gayi hai, par aisa lagta hai ki aapko ho gaya hai koi remake banaane ka disorder.

Chandni Bar: Aapko to ho gaya hai har film remake karne ka bukhaar, temperature hai ek sau chaar, lekin yaad rakhna: remake theek hai ek baar, not baar baar lagataar.

Cheeni Kum: Humko maloom hai ki audience ke kuch members ko diabetes hai, lekin is film ke remake banaane ki baat mein bilkul nahin hain dum.

Deewar: Har puraane super hit picture ka remake kyon banaana chahte hain aap? Aap ko shaayad maloom nahin hai ki yeh idea hai ekdum bekaar.

Devdas: Audience ke rote hue chehre dekhke pata chalta hai ki unko bhi is film ke remake ka idea hi lagta hai bilkul bakwaas.

Dhoom: Ramuji, saari public ki yehi request hai ki aap please is film ko phir se na banaayen, nahin to aapke career ke liye it will spell doom.

Dil: Is film ka remake to mat banaaiye. Audience mein kisi ko heart attack aa gaya to kaun bharega hospital ka bill?

Dil Chahta Hai: Aap ka dl to chahta hoga is film ka remake banaana, lekin audience ka dil isko dekhna nahin chahta hai.

Dil Maange More: Koi dekhne nahin aayega is film ka remake, kyunki sab aapke is remakes ke craze se ho gaye hain bore.

Dil To Pagal Hai: Aap hi bataaiye Ramuji, kya is remake naam ki problem ka koi hal hai?

Don: Audience ko pakaana aaj kal bahut aasaan ho gaya hai: kisi bhi achche film ka bekaar remake banaao. Par yaad rakhiye, this is absolutely not on.

Dum: Is picture ka remake banaane ka idea hai dumb, aur theatre mein is picture ka remake dekhne aayenge log bahut kum.

Gadar: Public par kuch to taras khaaiye aap, is film ka remake kyon bana rahe ho? Can’t you remake any other?

Ghayal: Is film ke remake ko dekhke public ya to theatre ke saare seats paagalon ki tarah phaad degi ya to aapko kutte ki tarah dhoke kar degi ghayal.

Guide: Ramuji, audience ka choice ab badal gaya hai. How long will you continue to take the public for a ride?

Guru: Ramuji, kab tak har film ka remake banaate rahoge? Abhi to kijiye koi original script par kaam shuru.

Hulchul: Aise hi remakes ka silsila chalta raha to ek din saara theatre khaali ho jaayega aur audience to bina film dekhe hi theatre se nikal jaayegi aur bol degi, “chal, chal”.

Hungama: Is comedy film ka tragic remake mat banaaiye, nahin to audience theatre mein aayegi dhaai ghante sone ke liye pehenke apna pyjama.

Ishq Vishk: Kaafi bold aadmi maloom padte ho, ya ho sakta hai aapka audience aur distributors ke saath panga hai. Kyon le rahe ho itna bada risk?

Jaaneman: Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke baad, now who is the unlucky one?

Jaani Dushman: Is picture ka remake banaane ke baad aapki dushmanon ki list lambi ho jaayegi. Yeh kambakht remake hi hai aapka sabse bada dushman.

Jalwa: Is film ke remake ka swaad to zaroor hoga kadwa, not meetha like gaajar ka halwa.

Jawaani Deewani: Aapko to lagta hai har film ka remake banaane ka bas bahaana hi chahiye, lekin, please, audience ki aankhon mein mat bharo paani.

Josh: Aap to josh mein aake is film ka remake banaaoge, lekin kya aapne kabhi socha hai ki yeh remake dekhkar public ho sakti hai behosh?

Julie: Is mein apni koi nayi discovery ko cast mat karna, kyonki public Urmila, Antara, Nisha aur Jiah ke performances ko abhi tak nahin hai bhooli.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham: Aapke remakes distributors aur public ko to de chuki hain bahut gham; aapke agle script mein hoga kya woh dum?

Kaho Na Pyaar Hai: Aur audience ka ek aur message bhi aap kaan kholkar sun lena: is film ka remake banaane ka idea ekdum bekaar hai.

Karz: Jaldi se yeh karz chuka dijiye Ramuji, kyonki audience ko pakaana nahin banta hai aapka farz.

Koi Mil Gaya: Iska remake to aap banaane ki sochiye bhi mat. Humko agle din ke newspaper mein nahin padhna hai ki koi iska remake dekhke hil gaya.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: Aur is film ko dekhkar audience mein baitha har member aur har distributor bahut rota hai.

Lagaan: Aapko is remake naam ke virus ne aise grip karke rakha hai ki aap kisi bhi achchi film ki remake ka sahara le rahe ho chalaane ke liye apni remake ki dukaan.

Love Story: Kab tak audience ko pakaaoge Ramuji? Kya aapke paas ek bhi script nahin hai jo original ho, matlab jiski nahin hui ho chori?

Maine Pyar Kiya: Yeh film aapki autobiography nahin hai; Aapki story ka to title hona chahiye: maine industry mein nayi heroines ko chance baar baar diya.

Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya?: Yeh Maine Pyar Kiya ka sequel to nahin, phir bhi aap iska remake banaane se pehle soch lijiye: maine in sab heroines ko break kyon diya?

Mangal Pandey–The Rising: Flop film ka bakwaas remake banaaoge to historical film ka hysterical remake banega. Nahin samjhe? No problem, it’s hardly surprising!

Mann: Remake banaane ke chakkar mein kyon barbaad kar rahe ho itna dhan?

Masti: Mehengai ke zamaane mein aap kaise banaate ho itne saare filmon ke remakes, aur who bhi itni sasti?

Mughal-E-Azam: Audience ko ticket ke saath milega Hajmola ka free packet, kyonki who nahin kar paayenge is film ke remake ko hazam.

Munnabhai M.B.B.S.: Is film ka remake banaaoge to yaad rakhna: you will be in an extremely big mess!

Paap: Flop filmein banaakar humko mat pakaaiye, Coppola ke najaayaz baap!

Page 3: Aapke remakes dekhna kisi third-degree torture se kum nahin. Jab public theatre se film dekhke nikalti hai to kehti hai, “we are free!”

Paheli: Ramuji, aap filmein hi kyon banaate hain, yehi hai sabse badi paheli.

Pukar: Nikaal dijiye apne dimaag se is film ka remake banaane ka vichaar, nahin to iska natija ho sakta hai bahut bekaar.

Qurbani: Come on Ramuji, aap kab denge is classic film ki remake banaane ke idea ki qurbani?

Raaz: Aapka yeh remake fixation hi hai public aur distributors ke liye sabse bada raaz. Kab aaoge is aadat se baaz?

Rang De Basanti: Aaj kal chor bhi bahut creative ho gaye hain. Copying ko inspiration to keh sakte ho, par yaad rakhiye: har classic ki remake achchi nahin banti.

Refugee: Agar kabhi aapko kisi producer ne offer kiya is picture ka remake banaane ka chance, to public par meherbaani karo aur please refuse jee.

Shaan: Ramuji, aap kyon is picture ko phir se banaakar lena chahte ho public aur distributors ki jaan?

Silsila: Lagta hai abhi tak tumhara remake waala bukhaar utra nahin. Kya remake banaane ke liye koi aur classic film ka script nahin mila?

Style: Style maarna koi buri baat nahin hai, par kum se kum original stories to likhiye. Kab band karoge yeh doosre film makers ki filmon se inspired scripts ki file?

Taal: Is film ke remake ko dekhkar to pakka hoga audience ke har member aur har distributor ka haal behaal.

Teesri Kasam: Pehli kasam: bahut heroines ko break diya; doosri kasam: kuch original filmein banaayi; ab kha lijiye remakes nahin banaane ki kasam.

Teesri Manzil: Jis dukaan se tum inspiration ke liye DVD lete ho, woh ek building ke third floor par hai; lift band hai; wahan time pe pahunchna hai bahut mushkil.

The Burning Train: Humko maloom hai aapne burning issues par koi film nahin banaayi, par kum se kum trained logon ko to break dijiye, nahin to your film will go down the drain.

Open letter to Kiran More

2006-12-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

YEH DIL MAANGE NO ‘MORE’
By Akshay A. Kalbag
Dear Mr Kiran More,
I am an irate cricket fan, and on behalf of my fellow Indians who are crazy about the “gentleman’s game”, I have decided to write you a letter expressing the collective disgust of the entire nation to let you know that we expect mature behaviour from the chairman of the selection committee appointed by the richest sports governing body in the world, the Bored (oops, Board) of Control for Cricket in India (or the BCCI, as it is known.) We know that you are not the only one who has developed this attitude after occupying the hot seat, as it is a universally well-known fact that power corrupts. But you should also be aware of the fact that absolute power (and Pawar) corrupts absolutely. But we have had enough of you and your committee’s ‘stands’ on the Sourav Ganguly issue, the players’ complaints about burning out due to their busy schedules and other unnecessary controversies. You should be ashamed of yourselves and should now get used to being called the ‘five unwise men’ for your absolutely irresponsible and rash statements taken at the selectors’ meetings. Like all your predecessors, it is understandable that you, a figure of authority, love to share your decisions with the Press, but there is a certain amount of responsibility attached to your job. I would like you to either step down from the prestigious post of the chairman of the bunch of jokers (sorry, selectors) – you will be doing the country a great favour if you did that – or put in your papers and call it a day – that would, at least, be a more dignified exit from the murky job you are expected to perform. You’ve had more than your fair share of the limelight for a while; we’ve had more than enough of the musical chairs going on in Indian cricket, whether you like it or not – you hurt the sentiments of a billion Indian cricket lovers, and that’s just not cricket!
Looking forward to a new ‘joker’ leading the pack as soon as possible,
An anonymous well-wisher.

Javed Miandad and the D-Company: We are Family

2006-12-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

Wedding bells amidst gunshots and batting strokes
By Akshay A. Kalbag
The month of July kept reporters on their toes. This month witnessed a major political upheaval, a tape containing a conversation between two former Bollywood lovebirds and a flood that brought a city to a standstill. All these incidents occurred in Mumbai.
This month was also the month of merrymaking for two famous families from Pakistani in the land of the sheikhs–Dubai. The emirate was chosen as the venue for the ‘godfather’ of all weddings.
The father of the bride is an underworld don wanted by the Mumbai police, and the groom’s (Mian) dad is a former cricketer, best known for his batting exploits against India.
Dawood Ibrahim’s daughter, Mahrukh tied the knot with Junaid, son of former Pakistani captain Javed Miandad in a high–profile ceremony at a five–star hotel in Dubai.
While the question was obviously raised as to whether the notorious D was present at the venue on his daughter’s big day, the guests were treated to a lavish party, complete with a sumptuous dinner.
Famous invitees included Bollywood stars and past and present cricketers, but none of them showed up. Miandad may have won several matches for Pakistan, has been the captain and coach and the highest run–scorer for Pakistan and is famous for his last–ball six off Indian medium–pacer Chetan Sharma in Sharjah in 1986, but the wedding was the one occasion where his son Junaid was declared the ‘man of the match’.
For the couple, love has scored and triumphed over everything else. For the media, a new chapter on cricket’s links with the underworld has been opened. The proud parents of Junaid and Mahrukh have to now reconcile with the fact that it is neither a gun nor a bat, but the joy of being together that’ll call the ‘shots’ in the future for the couple. Here is wishing them a long and happy married life, and hoping that their partnership continues for ever.

Shane Warne

2006-12-13T06:53:00.001-08:00

Warn (e) ing bells for Shane

Akshay A. Kalbag

The world’s greatest leg–spinner is in a soup. For the umpteenth time in his illustrious career. What’s new, you might ask. Nothing much, except that it has ceased to surprise as well as sicken cricket fans anymore.

Even before Shane Warne called it quits from the shorter version of the game, he’s been through too many ‘test’ing times, in more ways than one. More so off the field!

Warney started his cricketing career in a not too spectacular fashion way back in 1992. But his Ashes debut in 1993 is memorable. He not only bowled the ‘greatest ball of the century’ in Test cricket, but he was also responsible for generating a renewed interest in the dying art of leg–spin bowling. That delivery, apart from ‘Gatting’ (sorry, getting) him fame and recognition, introduced to the world the blond leggie with a bagful of tricks who would be a force to reckon with over the next decade.

But the next decade or so would also witness a tumultuous love–hate relationship between the Australian cricketer and the media, especially the English press, which would also quickly spread to all parts of the Test world.

His marriage to Simone lasted ten years and he had three lovely kids, Brooke, Jackson and Summer, but that did not stop Warney from looking outside his native Victoria for greener pastures (no, I am not talking about green cricket pitches) to mix business with pleasure.

His legendary off–field sexcapades are now as much a part of the leggie’s legacy (?) as his flippers, googlies and leg–breaks. His wrong ‘uns off the cricket field made him a popular figure in certain sections of the press in cricket–playing countries.

Simone and the cricketer recently announced their decision to go their separate ways after a decade of togetherness–and some very embarrassing and difficult circumstances, one must add.

The man with the maximum number of wickets to his name in Test cricket is today himself on a sticky wicket as far as his personal life goes. He has now turned his attention to his own thinning scalp. But neither his decision to regrow his hair nor his future as a cricketer are the focus of this article.

Over the years, he has admitted to taking bribes from a bookmaker in the Indian sub–continent in exchange for information about pitch and weather conditions, assaulted a photographer who shot a picture of his with a cigarette in his hand (when he had promised to quit his smoking habit), been sued by a man who claimed the Aussie star had tried to kiss his niece, etc. But his glittering career reached an all–time low phase when he faced some ‘texting’ times (excuse the pun!) with a number of women, including some British nurses, accusing him of sending them lewd text messages from his mobile phone, besides doing some other unmentionable acts with them during his numerous cricket tours and his county stint with Hampshire. SMS (Sex Maniac Shane) is a champion both on and off the field.

What takes the cake, though, is that Warne was the first cricketer to miss an international season due to a drug ban after the International Cricket Council (ICC) brought out a revised code of conduct. He began serving his twelve–month ban in February 2003, during the World Cup in South Africa, and returned to the Australian team in 2004.

His experiences and his subsequent split from his wife Simone have rung the warn (e) ing bells loud and clear for not only himself, but also for other cricketers who think there’s more to cricket than just performing well with the bat and ball. After all, he had fallen out of favour with Australian selectors too (a few years ago, his sexploits had cost him the post of the Australian vice–captain as well.)

The Beginning of the End?

2006-12-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

THE BEGINNING OF THE END?
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
As arch–rivals India and Pakistan prepare to take on each other in the first of five one–day internationals tomorrow, it is clear that only one team will be able to hold their heads high and go to Peshawar with a lot of confidence and belief in its own ability. That team is the host country, Pakistan, led by their inspirational skipper, Inzamam ul–Haq.
As for the visitors, they have their tasks cut out, as they go into the one–dayers a defeated, demoralised side, woefully low on confidence. The Indian batting line–up, led by Rahul Dravid (who is also known as ‘The Wall’) and comprising stalwarts like Virender Sehwag (a.k.a. ‘The Nawab of Najafgarh’), V.V.S. Laxman (a.k.a. ‘Very Very Special’), Sachin Tendulkar (a.k.a. ‘The Master Blaster’), Sourav Ganguly (a.k.a. ‘The Prince of Kolkata’) and the young, raw, talented and exciting left–hander Yuvraj Singh, is considered one of the strongest batting line–ups in the world in recent times. But seeing the way they capitulated in the second innings of the Karachi Test last week, chasing a mammoth target of 607 runs, it is impossible to believe that this batting line–up has four of the biggest names in world cricket (Dravid, Laxman, Tendulkar and Ganguly), who collectively have almost a decade of experience of playing international cricket, have played over fifty Tests each and have scored thousands of runs between them. It took an awesome performance from the trio of Pakistani pacers–Shoaib Akhtar (who is known as the ‘Rawalpindi Express’), Mohammed Asif and Abdul Razzaq–to make the ‘Wall’ crumble, to turn the ‘Nawab of Najafgarh’ and the ‘Prince of Kolkata’ into paupers, to force the ‘Master Blaster’ to make ‘master blunders’, and to make Mr. ‘Very Very Special’ look ‘Very Very Silly’ at the crease. As for Yuvraj Singh, he unfortunately scored a ton in vain, but some credit definitely goes to him for holding one end up while wickets continued to fall like nine pins at the other end.
Sachin Tendulkar, in particular, was the biggest disappointment of them all. He is one of India’s most capped cricketers and has consistently been rated among the top five batsmen in the world for several years. A resident of Bandra, Mumbai, Tendulkar made his Test debut for India in the Pakistani port city of Karachi in 1989, when he was a curly–haired, sixteen year–old schoolboy. Though he did not immediately give proof of his immense talent in his maiden international appearance, the champion batsman eventually did stamp his class over bowling attacks the world over during a career that spanned over 16 years, scoring a staggering aggregate of over 23000 runs in international cricket, acquiring the nickname of ‘Master Blaster’ and a reputation for being a thorn in the flesh of even the best bowlers in the world. Between 1989 and 2006, he has gone on to set and break several batting records and become a living legend, a model of passion and commitment, an inspiration for the younger generation and an ambassador for his country and sport. Tendulkar, who is known to give his one hundred percent whenever he wears the Indian colours, is only one of five Indians to play one hundred or more Test matches for India, the others being Kapil Dev, Sunil Gavaskar, Dilip Vengsarkar and Anil Kumble.
But, he was, literally, on familiar territory last week, when he took on the Pakistanis at Karachi’s National Stadium in the third and final match of the three–Test series. Tendulkar, coming in to bat at number four, scored 23 in the first innings and 26 in the second. The only batsmen to offer some sort of resistance to the blistering pace of Shoaib Akhtar, Mohammed Asif and Abdul Razzaq were second innings century–maker Yuvraj Singh and India’s beleaguered former captain Sourav Ganguly, who got starts in both innings. This series was as important for Tendulkar’s future in international cricket as it was for that of Ganguly’s. But while Yuvraj continued to score runs at one end, in a bid to cement his place in the Indian Test side, wickets continued to fall at regular intervals at the other end. India soon slumped to a massive 341–run defeat in the only match of the series to end in a result. Pakistan won the match, and with it the series by a margin of 1-0.
It is not going to be easy for the cricket–crazy Indian fans to digest the fact that one of their favourite cricketing heroes is now a shadow of his former self, and is trying to regain both his form and fitness. Tendulkar is not getting any younger, and his two recent failures to bear the gargantuan weight of expectations and responsibilities on his shoulder is making India’s seniormost player open to severe criticism. However, as he is a vital cog in India’s formidable batting line–up, and is looking vulnerable at the moment, every passionate Indian now feels justified in expressing their hurt at being let down by the hero they idolise and hold in such high esteem, who has become a villain in their eyes due to his poor performances. It is upto Tendulkar now to silence his critics, who believe he is a spent force in international cricket, and prove them wrong by letting his bat do the talking as usual, and if he performs well in the one–day internationals, he will also be able to answer the crucial question which is on every Indian fan’s mind at the moment: ‘is it the beginning of the end of his glorious career?’ However, most cricket fans in India are hoping that the answer to that question is ‘no’. The ball is now in the veteran’s court!

Kiran More and the Men in Blue

2006-12-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

HAVE MORE AND CO. GOT IT RIGHT THIS TIME?
By Akshay A. Kalbag
The Indian cricket team is still smarting under the 1-4 defeat at the hands of Brian Lara’s West Indians in the recent five-match One-day series in the Caribbean. Guru Greg and his dependable chela Dravid are busy fine-tuning the skills of the rusty Indian side, a team that seems to have forgotten to win after the fantastic performances against South Africa, Sri Lanka and England at home, Pakistan in their backyard and in Abu Dhabi. Chappell, who loves to experiment and conduct innovative practice sessions, even introduced the rigours of commando training for the ‘Men in Blue’ prior to India’s next tournament, the triangular One-day series in Sri Lanka in mid-August, also featuring South Africa. The fifteen-member squad has been picked, but the million-dollar question is: Have Kiran More and Co. got the combination right this time?
The following are the profiles of the fifteen guinea pigs (sorry, players) selected to represent the country in the Emerald Isle after the strenuous experiments conducted by coach Greg Chappell and skipper Rahul Dravid in their ‘laboratory’ (read: the training camp.) These are the men whom India is hoping for a better performance in Sri Lanka following the disastrous tour of the West Indies:
Rahul Dravid (captain): The prize scalp for bowlers the world over, ‘the Wall’ is entrusted with the monumental task of ushering in a new era in the history of Indian cricket along with Chappell. He is the Atlas of the team, a man who doesn’t seem to be bothered too much by the enormous weight of responsibility, authority and accountability he is carrying upon his shoulders following the departure of former coach John Wright and the Ganguly saga. Technically sound, he is a dangerous batsman at No. 3 in both forms of the game and is a good fielder and occasional wicket-keeper. Fans can expect runs (ban)galore from the skipper’s blade as long as he is at the crease.
Virender Sehwag (vice-captain): Dravid’s deputy, Viru has come a long way from being a Tendulkar clone, and is now enjoying his new role at the top of the order alongside his idol. The swashbuckling opener from Najafgarh will look to get some runs under his belt after his recent slump in form in the One-day game. Let us hope the man who believes in standing and delivering unleashes an explosive display of ‘Delhi’cious shots!
Sachin Tendulkar: He’s back after a long lay-off, and India fans are hoping it’s with a bang! Not too long ago, Sachin was a patient, now he must be impatient to get some runs on the board. The ‘Bombay Bomber’ is the senior pro in the Indian side, and a bona-fide all-rounder to boot. His bowling cannot be classified into any category as he does it all, plus he is a safe fielder. The Lanka tourney marks the return of cricket’s answer to ‘Chhota Chetan’, a three-dimensional team man to the core.
Yuvraj Singh: The dashing left-hander was in great form on the West Indies tour. A perfect blend of an experienced senior cricketer (Yuvraj is now into his sixth season of international cricket) and a youth exuding boyish charm and enthusiasm, he gives his 100 per cent, whether he is batting, bowling or fielding. Bowlers, get your sunglasses out, the harsh ‘Yuvi’ rays are too powerful for your liking! A useful part-time slow left-armer and a good fielder in the Jonty Rhodes mould.
Mohammed Kaif: Much like the original ‘angry young man’ of numerous Bollywood hits of the 1970’s, Amitabh Bachchan (who, incidentally, also happens to be from Kaif’s hometown of Allahabad), Kaif is now on a rampage, and his mind is set to avenge the injustice done to him by the selectors. A hare between the wickets, a dynamo in the field and a quiet, unassuming and committed performer is the best way to sum up the remarkable Mohammed Kaif. From the looks of it, the young man has a bright future. Let’s hope his career keeps shooting UP!
Suresh Raina: To rephrase the lyrics of an evergreen Hindi film number of yesteryears: ‘Ek batsman mila re, Bareilly ke ek ground pe’. Raina is the baby of the Indian side at the tender age of 19, but appears mature beyond his years. He is the third part of a deadly combo of dangerous middle-order batsmen and terrific fielders, along with Yuvraj and Kaif. He played some brief but important knocks at crucial stages for the country on this winter’s tour of Pakistan. This is a golden opportunity for him to cement his place in the Indian One-day squad.
Dinesh Mongia: This tournament will see the return of Dinesh Mongia to the Indian team after a gap of more than one-and-a-half years. The southpaw from Chandigarh was busy preparing for his big chance by hitting tall scores consistently for the county side Leicestershire in the English domestic championship this season. After being ‘left’ [no pun(jab) intended] out of the Indian team for so long, the Indian fans hope they can count(y) on him for a good performance in the ODIs in Sri Lanka.
Mahendra Singh Dhoni (wicket-keeper): The long-haired stumper from Jharkhand has managed to impress the likes of the Pakistani president, but will he deliver the goods in Lanka? He must make amends for his woeful form with the bat on the recent tour of the Caribbean, which did affect his confidence level a great deal. But if he wants to keep his place in the Indian side and not give his competitors for the keeper’s slot – Parthiv Patel and Dinesh Karthik – a chance, he must ensure that his ‘Dhoni dho daala’ mantra continues to ring loudly and clearly in the Lankan bowlers’ ears. Here’s hoping Dhoni continues to keep Indian fans high on MSD!
Irfan Pathan: Baroda’s ace of pace has been a little out of sorts off-late, and the coach has reportedly said that Pathan is short of confidence. Along with Ajit Agarkar, he is the senior pro of the fast bowling attack and is also an all-rounder. But Irfan’s most endearing quality is his maturity and level-headedness at the relatively young age of 21. He has a bright future and will continue to be the darling of his (ir) fans, particularly those of the fairer sex, for a long time.
Harbhajan Singh: India’s (har) bhajans have been answered and the ‘Sardar’ of the off-break is on song again. Everybody is eagerly waiting for the day he tames the Sri Lankans in their own backyard. But the critics are equally quick to ‘singh’ a different tune when he is off-colour. Bhajji is the No. 1 off-spin bowler in the country, and a match-winner in his own right. Murali’s den might just be the chance for Harbhajan to prove that he is not the man to play the ‘doosra’ fiddle to any other offie.
Ramesh Powar: The second offie in the Indian squad adds value to the team, because he is capable of hitting a few lusty blows down the order. The Mumbai all-rounder can be a key figure for Team India at the World Cup in the West Indies in 2007, if he concentrates on his fielding and fitness. Powar has ‘powar’ed his way into the national team on the basis of his consistent form in the domestic championships for Mumbai, but he should not ‘waist’ (sorry, waste) his opportunities now. He bowls with a heart as big as his waistline.
Ajit Agarkar: The skinny Mumbaikar is a right-arm medium-pace bowler and right-handed batsman who played a key role in the recent One-day series in the Caribbean, despite the disastrous result for India. Let us all hope that Messrs More and Co. pick Agarkar for every One-day match from now on until the World Cup, so that he is both match-fit and confident. Their habit of playing musical chairs with the selection and the ‘agar’ and ‘magar’ (ifs and buts) has ensured that India has had less of Ajit and more of a haar in recent times.
S. Sreesanth: Sree is no Sant (h), but an aggressive, young fast bowler from Kerala whose celebratory dance after getting a wicket on the Pakistan tour would give Michael Jackson a run for his money. His first name – Shanthakumaran – is quite a mouthful but his personality is anything but shant (quiet). In fact, he is a restless, pumped-up pacer, raring to go to Sri Lanka and have a ball! He lists reading as one of his passions, but here’s hoping the Lankan and Springbok batsmen find it difficult to read his deliveries, resulting in wickets and victories for India!
Munaf Patel: India’s quickest bowler, Patel is prone to making the same mistakes that most Indian pacers have committed on several occasions–not being able to bowl a tidy line and length or bowling it too short, giving the batsmen time to play their shots. He must be careful while facing the dangerous Sri Lankan trio of Sanath Jayasuriya, Mahela Jayawardene and Kumar Sangakkara, who are in top form at the moment. The selectors deserve a pat (el) on the backs for keeping their faith in the young man from Gujarat. It’s now time for some Patel rap! If he fails, the carping critics will be out there with their sharp knives, and scream, “Munaf (sorry, enough) is enough!”
Rudra Pratap Singh: The latest in a long assembly line of left-arm seamers produced by India in recent years, R.P. (as he is known) is the third member of a trio of relatively inexperienced fast bowlers in the squad, apart from Sreesanth and Munaf Patel. The interesting thing about R.P. Singh is that he hails from a small town in Uttar Pradesh, which shows that if the talent-hunters are determined to go the extra mile and traverse the length and breadth of the country, instead of just preferring to focus on picking youngsters from urban India, they will come across such raw and talented lads as Rudra Pratap Singh, whom they can groom to fill up the boots of the likes of Zaheer Khan, Irfan Pathan and Ashish Nehra. We need a talent-spotter who can catch them young, and who has the knack of taking the rudra (sorry, rudder) into his own hands, (pra) tapping their immense but unexplored potential and utilising (h) it when the opportunity knocks at their door.
If these guys continue to let us down, they’ll soon be making way for players of the calibre of Sourav Ganguly, V.V.S. Laxman, Anil Kumble, Zaheer Khan, Murali Kartik, Ashish Nehra and Laxmipathy Balaji. Let’s hope for a good show from the Indians in Lanka and all the forthcoming competition leading up to the mega event – the World Cup, to be held in the Caribbean in March-April 2007!

Going Deutsch, Football Style

2006-12-13T06:48:00.000-08:00

SOCCER FEVER GOES DEUTSCH
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
Once every four years, football fans get the opportunity to either throng the stadia or sit glued to their television sets and catch all the action and excitement that is associated with every match of the FIFA World Cup soccer tournament–the pinnacle of international footballing glory.
This summer, ardent aficionados of the ‘beautiful game’–as football is, rather ironically, nicknamed–will focus their attention on the 32 nations that will vie for top honours as they compete for the title of world champions and passionately follow each country’s campaign at the World Cup finals.
Come June 9, three–time world champions Germany will play host to football’s premier competition, which they last hosted 32 years ago. Incidentally, Germany also won the World Cup in 1974, beating the Netherlands 2-1 in the final at Munich. The Germans also trounced Hungary 3-2 at Berne, Switzerland in 1954 and defeated Argentina by one goal to nil at Rome, Italy in 1990. For the record, Germany has also ended up on the losing side on as many occasions as they have emerged victorious. They were runners–up to England by two goals to the hosts’ four at Wembley, England in 1966, lost by one goal to the Italians’ three at Madrid, Spain in 1982 and suffered defeat at the hands of Argentina by two goals to the South American nation’s three at Mexico City, Mexico in 1986.
While the Germans would obviously like to exploit the home advantage to the fullest and clinch the trophy for the fourth time in eighteen editions of the soccer extravaganza, defending champions Brazil would be hoping that their flair would help them samba into the finals, defend their title successfully and emerge triumphant for the sixth time. The Brazilians won the 1958, 1962, 1970, 1994 and 2002 editions of the World Cup. Other previous winners include Uruguay (in 1930 and 1950), Italy (in 1934, 1938 and 1982), England (in 1966), Argentina (in 1978 and 1986) and France (in 1998).
A month of nail–biting soccer is on the cards! Football fanatics will be eager to know who eventually takes home the glittering Cup. The current German squad will be looking forward to follow in the footsteps of their greats such as Franz Beckenbauer (also known as ‘the Kaiser’), Juergen Klinsmann and Lothar Matthaeus. As for the present Brazilian outfit, it remains to be seen if the boots of two of their legendary icons, Pele and Romario, prove to be too big for their star players, including Ronaldo, Roberto Carlos and Ronaldinho, to fill, or they achieve their goals easily.
The question on every football fan’s mind at this point is: which country will witness scenes of wild celebrations after what promises to be an exciting month–long feast for every soccer fan–one of the European or South American nations (which have traditionally been the football powerhouses) or one of the others? Come July 2006, we will have the answer. Till then, the most passionate soccer supporters of the world will be gripped by football fever and their cups of joy will overflow!

Skirting the issue

2006-12-13T06:46:00.000-08:00

Skirting the issue
By Akshay A. Kalbag
Much has been said about teenage tennis sensation Sania Mirza’s skirts in the last few weeks.
But then unnecessary meanings have been read into everything she does–critics questioned her talent and tagged her sex symbol a la Anna Kournikova, and then, there was talk about how she goes against her religious beliefs by boldly wearing T–shirts with whacky messages.
To be fair to Anna Kournikova, the Russian beauty’s (enri)quest for glory ended with her ‘court’ship with a hunky pop star. The former tennis star (?) was known for her good looks, and not for her talent.
Sania has played against some of the best players in the world–Svetlana Kuznetsova, Nadia Petrova, Serena Williams, Maria Sharapova, et al. She may have lost some of those matches, but she is hungry for more, as any young rising star should be. And, oh yeah, she wins hearts–billions of them, considering that Indians have set up bases all over the globe.
Sporting tee–shirts with messages is not just a fashion statement, but now thanks to Sania’s ability to carry them off so well, it’s become an attitude. She’s one of the young achievers from India (that’s the key word here–achiever) that our generation should try to emulate.
As for the skirts, she’s made those a rage too, but it’s more for professional reasons. Sania knows that it’s all in the minds of the so–called moral police. Much as they also get their kicks out of ogling at her on–court in her skirts, their double standards must not come in the way of her becoming a role model for other young women.
As long as the simple Hyderabadi teenager is happy being the embodiment of the ‘girl next door’, she need not worry about the prudes with such double standards.
On her part, Sania will not take these baseless allegations too seriously. She’ll coolly go on playing her game (in skirts, of course!) and looking to improve her ranking of 34 before the next season starts.

Education barons in taxman's net

2006-12-13T06:45:00.000-08:00

‘Shikshan Samrats’ come under IT scanner
Akshay A. Kalbag
There are four great levelers in India –cinema, cricket, festivals and income tax. But unlike the first three, income tax is not welcomed by anybody with great enthusiasm. In fact, people are more interested in finding ways to evade paying their taxes.
Like the other three, income tax also, however, does not differentiate between people on the basis of their age, religion, linguistic background, caste, family background, educational qualifications, profession, likes, dislikes, hobbies, political leanings and, well, income of course.
The week gone by was a week journalists would like to remember all their lives, and the education barons of Maharashtra, known as ‘Shikshan Samrats’, would prefer to forget as soon as possible.
The taxman came knocking on the doors of thirty–five prominent educational institutions, run by prominent and influential founder–directors with a lot of clout and powerful political connections.
When Padmashri awardee Dr. S.B. Mujumdar started the Symbiosis group of institutions, it is pretty clear he didn’t quite know what the word ‘symbiosis’ meant. It means ‘inter–dependence’. Well, here’s hoping the IT (income tax) officers taught him the true definition of the term and that it does not mean the students depend on the institution for a high quality of higher education, and in turn, the institute depends on their (obviously loaded) parents for higher capitation fees and donations.
“Kadam kadam badhaaye ja, seedhe IT ke net mein phas ja!” This is not a rehash of an inspirational song, but this is exactly what happened with the Bharati Vidyapeeth founder, Dr. Patangrao Kadam. Expecting the (dis) honourable Minister for Co–operatives of the Government of Maharashtra to co–operate with the parents and students who come to seek admission is not as easy as flying a ‘patang’ (sorry, kite.) It seems the sinister minister is hell –bent on running a ‘doomed’ and ‘autocratic’ university, not a ‘deemed’ and ‘autonomous’ one.
The situation at the D.Y. Patil chain of institutions is no better. The parents of those seeking admission to various courses are helpless as it is, but the rate of capitation fees being charged makes one wonder if the D.Y. Patil institutions are producing D.Y. (doomed youngsters.)
Hapless folks, the next gentleman to come under the scanner of the income tax department ironically occupies a very important position–the UNESCO Chair of the World Peace Centre at Alandi. The relevance of the Chair and the importance of the organization and the location does not seem to stop Maharashtra Institute of Technology (MIT) founder Dr. Vishwanath Karad from disturbing the peace of mind of the parents and also shredding the future of their wards to pieces.
These high and MIT (sorry, mighty) ‘shikshan samrats’ have turned higher education in the state into a bazaar. Let’s hope the IT raids on their premises serve as a wake–up call to these founders who’ve floundered by attempting to turn education into a commodity and sell it at the bizarre Indian bazaar. Otherwise, we will continue to shell out huge amounts of money every year only to serve these education barons and ourselves end up getting educated yet remain ‘barren’ (both in the mind as well as in the wallet.)

Sachin Tendulkar makes a comeback

2006-12-13T06:43:00.000-08:00

SACH IN, BREAK KE BAAD …

By Akshay A. Kalbag

Last week, the five wise men met in Mumbai to pick the fifteen-member Indian squad for next month’s triangular One-day tournament in Sri Lanka, which also involves South Africa.

Messrs Kiran More and Co. gave Indian fans a reason to smile when they said, ‘Venu, go, pal’ to the young middle-order batsman from Andhra Pradesh and filled up the vacancy created by Rao’s exit by recalling the elder statesman of the side, Sachin Tendulkar.

The august presence of Tendulkar is expected to bolster the formidable Indian batting line-up, and the ace batsman from Mumbai, who is just back from a trip to England, himself is raring to go to the island nation where he will don the light blue jersey after a long lay-off due to a shoulder injury which kept him out of the side that toured the Caribbean recently.

Tendulkar’s decision to take a break from the game at a time when India managed to win only one One-day International and one Test match against the West Indies came under heavy criticism from his former Mumbai and India teammate Sanjay Manjrekar, now a respected TV commentator.

However, knowing the Master Blaster, he will not take Sanjay’s lashings on the (Sa)chin, and will keep his (Sa)chin up as always. Tendulkar is expected to join the ‘Nawab of Najafgarh’, Virender, as he s(eh)waggers out into the middle to open the innings for the Indians. The duo must be licking their lips at the prospect of having to face the (Sa)chin music which the Lankan and the Springbok bowlers will dish out during the Tri-series. Indian fans are eagerly awaiting a ‘Viru’lent display of fireworks at the top of the order in the forthcoming One-dayers leading up to the World Cup in March-April 2007, to be held in the West Indies.

As for the critics who question Tendulkar’s commitment, even after the ‘Bombay Bomber’ has had a career spanning 17 seasons in international cricket, they should check their facts before jumping on the Band(ra)wagon and succumbing to the temptation to point fingers at the little champion.

When he makes his comeback to the Indian squad in the Emerald Isle a little over a fortnight later, his name will definitely send shivers down the spines of the hosts and the South Africans, and if he performs well in the tournament, it will be a huge psychological (Colom)boost – which, incidentally, was the secret of Tendulkar’s energy in his younger days!

Everybody, including Manjrekar, will be focusing on the action in Colombo to find out whether the man once afflicted by tennis elbow is able to handle the hype surrounding his return to the highest level of competitive cricket.

Will Tendulkar (el)bow down to the pressure put on him by his so-called detractors and (el)bow out, or will he take a (el)bow from the international cricketing stage on a high? It is better to leave it to the legendary cricketer himself to help all of us solve ‘sach’ an interesting mystery!

A jumbo dilemma for selectors

The selectors – once referred to as ‘a bunch of jokers’ – who not too long ago picked a team of chokers, are not so wise after all. It beats every Indian cricket fan as to why the veteran leg-spinner Anil Kumble, a man who has bowled his heart out for so many years and taken bagfuls of wickets in a long and illustrious – and not to mention eventful – career, has been ignored. He is conspicuous by his absence from the One-day side, particularly when the tournament is being played in ideal conditions for a spinner of Jumbo’s calibre – the flat wickets of the Indian subcontinent. The decision of the selectors to give Kumble the cold shoulder is a googly that must have stumped the phenomenal Bangalorean –considering former India wicket-keeper Kiran More heads the selection committee. Jumbo is a true icon, and a role model every Indian in all walks of life must seek to emulate because he is a gutsy, passionate and committed cricketer. Kumble’s omission only means we will miss a player who always gives more than a hundred per cent. It is, indeed, a surrey state of affairs in Indian cricket!

Dinesh Mongia – A surprise choice!

Punjab ranji captain Dinesh Mongia has been recalled after a considerable gap of almost a year-and-a-half. It is surprising, because he has been preferred over middle-order batsmen of the calibre of the experienced V.V.S. Laxman. He offers a part-time left-arm spin bowling option (he is a partnership-breaking slow bowler) and is a safe fielder too, plus he has also enjoyed a successful stint with Leicestershire in the English county championship this season to boot, which gives him a slight edge over Laxman, although the stylish Hyderabadi right-hander is a far better batsman than the Punjab southpaw. The million-dollar question now is: Will Mongia’s comeback inspire the other Indians playing county cricket in England at the moment-Zaheer Khan, Anil Kumble and possibly even Sourav Ganguly-to work harder towards earnnig a recall to the Indian side?

Till that poser is answered, let us hope that the Men in Blue tame the Sri Lankan lions in their own den and also beat South Africa to lift the trophy, and not give the billion-strong Indian fans the blues!

Narayan Rane quits Sena; joins ruling party

2006-12-13T06:41:00.000-08:00

Rane–gade: Another rebel joins Congress
By Akshay A. Kalbag
For rebel leaders in Maharashtra, it has been proved once again that Cong is king!
Earlier, firebrand Member of Parliament Sanjay Nirupam quit the Shiv Sena over differences of opinion with the party supremo, Balasaheb Thackeray, his son Uddhav and nephew Raj.
Nirupam, ironically, joined the same party against whom the Sena fielded him as a candidate. The fiery MP was once seen as the young and aggressive face of the Sena, and the party viewed him as the leader who could woo the North Indian community residing in Mumbai, as he hails from Bihar. He eventually joined the Congress despite some stiff resistance from the late actor–turned–MP, Sunil Dutt.
Dutt and Nirupam have been formidable rivals, standing for elections from the Mumbai North–West constituency. When the Honourable Sports Minister of India (Sunil Dutt) was alive, Nirupam and he have had some memorable ‘saamnas’, but in Dutt’s last days, Nirupam had become a party colleague of his one–time rival.
Now it is the turn of another former Shiv Sainik to ‘bow’ out and seek help from the “foreign ‘hand’” to make a new beginning to his political career. Last week, Narayan Rane was shown the door along with just a handful of his supporters by the Shiv Sena party leadership.
But, without wasting too much time, the expelled leader announced his decision to join the Congress.
A few days ago, a photograph of Rane appeared in a leading daily, in which he was shown beaming from ear to ear, despite having little to feel pleased about.
But then, politics in India leaves the readers with a lot of questions that remain unanswered forever, and a lot of things that nobody really attempts to explain.
The thorn in the Thackeray family’s flesh was seen sharing a light moment with the current Chief Minister, Vilasrao Deshmukh. For the record, Rane himself has himself held the CM’s post for a while a few years ago.
In Nirupam and Rane, the Sena has lost two of its young leaders. The only reason why they were forced to leave the party was that they were not performing their roles properly, or so the party supremo felt. On their part, both Nirupam and Rane felt that they were being used by the Tiger and his two cubs and then being blamed for the saffron combine’s poor showing in the 2004 Maharashtra assembly elections.
But the decision of the two leaders to rebel against the Sena reminds one of the old adage which states that “if you can’t beat them, join them.” That is literally what happened in this case.
Now the election results have proved that the public has lost faith in the leadership of Indian fundamentalists born on Indian soil. The BJP–Shiv Sena coalition reigned at the Centre for five and a half years, and now has been replaced by the Congress–Nationalist Congress Party combine, and India is no longer ‘Shining’. Several leaders seem to be leaving the hard–core Hindutva ideology and joining Madam Sonia Gandhi for pasta.
In the tradition of other ‘pawar’ful leaders from the state, both Nirupam and Rane have also gone (bhuj) ballistic against their former parties. I guess all one has to do is welcome these two rebels with applause, and wish that they serve their new parties with the same enthusiasm and vigour as they did (or didn’t) their old one.

Ganguly must perform or make way for young players

2006-12-13T06:39:00.000-08:00

Perform or perish, Sourav!
Former Indian cricket captain Sourav Ganguly must be a relieved man indeed, as are his countless fans. But now that he has got back his place in the Indian team as a middle–order batsman for the forthcoming tour of Pakistan, he has his task cut out. He has got a golden opportunity to prove his detractors wrong, and he can only do that by scoring runs consistently in Pakistan. Having said that, if Ganguly fails to make the most of this chance now, he will be forced to call it a day pretty soon, and his critics will continue to carp about his political connections and his meetings with Sharad Pawar and Jagmohan Dalmiya, following which he made it to the Pakistan–bound Indian squad. Here’s hoping the Bengal left–hander overcomes his attitude problems, woeful form and poor fitness soon, and the ‘Men in Blue’ repeat their performance on India’s last tour of Pakistan in 2004. From the point of view of a passionate Indian cricket supporter, it is only fair to expect the stylish former skipper to let his bat do the talking again, or else it will be the end of an illustrious and successful career.
Akshay A. Kalbag

PBC (Pornstar Banega Celebrity)

2006-12-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

PBC (Pornstar Banega Celebrity): The new reality show in town!
By Akshay A. Kalbag
Question: What is common to Bollywood stars Mallika Sherawat, Ashmit Patel and Riya Sen and tennis star Sania Mirza, except for the fact that they are the rising talents in their chosen areas of work? The answer: they have all been in the news for the wrong reason lately.
And what is that reason? Some cell–savvy weirdoes are going all around town parading pornographic clips of Mallika, Ashmit and Riya (caught in an uncompromising position) and now even Sania around on their MMS–enabled cell phones.
With Sania currently away in the US playing in a tournament, some person wanting his fifteen minutes of notoriety has now created a ‘racquet’ (sorry, racket) by circulating pornographic images of the teenaged tennis sensation on his mobile. Understandably upset by this vulgar act, she has issued a public warning to the creators of the ‘Sania sleaze show’ which could land the rising star into an MMS of another unwanted kind–a more messy situation.
This new reality show doing the rounds of cell phones these days–Pornstar Banega Celebrity (PBC)–must come to an end at the earliest, because well–known personalities could be in the eye of a storm both professionally and personally if they are found to be a part of an MM ‘Mess’, and all this for absolutely no fault of their own!

Muralitharan's 1000-wicket Haul

2006-12-13T06:35:00.001-08:00

MABROOK ‘MACHA’: MUCH–MALIGNED MURALI MARCHES TO MAGNIFICENT 1000
By Akshay A. Kalbag
You can either love him or loathe him (particularly if you are an Australian supporter), but you cannot ignore the ace Sri Lankan off–spinner Muttiah Muralitharan. The spin wizard was no–balled by Australian umpires Ross Emerson and Darrell Hair seven times on a tour to Australia over a decade ago, and is still taunted by the raucous Australian crowds whenever he tours that country. Murali, as he is known, is a tremendous character and a great competitor on the field. He also keeps the Lankan dressing room in good spirits with his infectious sense of humour and toothy grin. The reason for his sunny disposition and positive attitude is the clean chit given to him by the International Cricket Council (ICC), despite his harshest critics labelling his bowling action suspect and calling for the great off–break bowler to be banned from international cricket. The controversy that began Down Under because of his allegedly illegal deliveries (read: throwing) has resurfaced several times, but Murali, who subsquently underwent bio–mechanical tests at an Australian university, has always emerged the winner against all odds, and is a true champion, because when he is at the bowling crease, his performances and records do the talking. Murali has been at the receiving end of the unkindest cut, that is being called a javelin thrower by, of all people, former Indian captain and left–arm spinner Bishen Singh Bedi, another great spinner of yesteryears.
Opposition batsmen, however, wish that the wily Murali, who was born on 17 April 1972, had stuck to his family business (he is the son of a wealthy confectioner from Kandy) rather than dishing out his marvellous off–breaks and unplayable ‘doosras’ relentlessly and with remarkable consistency during an eventful career that has now spanned over thirteen years and had more twists and turns than a mystery novel. The mildest of his critics have termed him ‘freakish’, but the 33–year–old spinner has just become the first (and only) bowler so far to take over 1000 wickets in international cricket. Murali is one of the most interesting and endearing personalities to have graced the ‘gentlemen’s game’, as he has been admired and vilified in equal measure. The legendary Sri Lankan spin king played his hundredth Test against minnows Bangladesh in the first of two Tests at Chittagong recently, taking three wickets for 87 in the first innings and six for 54 in the second. Murali achieved the magical milestone of 1000 international wickets when he had former Bangladesh skipper Khaled Mashud caught by Tillekaratne Dilshan for 15. His performance in Chittagong has seen him achieve the four–figure mark in terms of wickets, and will also definitely spur him on to even greater heights and glory in the future. In 1999, Muralitharan was named the ‘Wisden Cricketer of the Year’. May Murali’s magical spells continue to bamboozle the batsmen and excite the crowds for a long time to come!
Murali’s greatest rival in spinning a web around batsmen the world over is the legendary Australian leg–spinner Shane Warne. The 36–year–old Warne has retired from the shorter version of the game in an apparent bid to prolong his Test career, so he is probably unlikely to add any more scalps to his tally of 293 wickets in one–day internationals. He, however still needs 48 wickets to join Murali in the exclusive ‘1000–wicket club’ in international cricket.
In conclusion, it is perhaps fair and appropriate to compare Murali’s figures with those of his arch–rival, the Australian leg–spinner Shane Warne. The blond Victorian was the ‘Wisden Cricketer of the Year’ in 1994. Warne was also selected as one of five ‘Wisden Cricketers of the Century’ in 2000.
Tests:
Player:
Matches:
Wickets:
Average:
Muttiah Muralitharan (Sri Lanka)
100
593
22.37
Shane Warne (Australia)
135
659
25.15
One–Day Internationals:
Player:
Matches:
Wickets:
Average:
Muttiah Muralitharan (Sri Lanka)
270
411
23.05
Shane Warne (Australia)
194
293
25.73
Cricket fans will always cherish this great rivalry between Murali and Warne, who are considered two of the living legends of the game.

Sania Mirza

2006-12-13T06:32:00.000-08:00

Let sani (a) ty prevail
Akshay A. Kalbag
Tennis has changed in general, and in keeping with these changes in the sport, women’s tennis is also currently undergoing many drastic changes.
Gone are the glorious days of muscular Martina, sexy Steffi and gorgeous Gabriela, who had the game to match their good looks. Along the way came the American duo of Monica Seles and Jennifer Capriati and the Spanish pair of Arantxa Sanchez–Vicario and Conchita Martinez, but none of these could capture the imagination of male tennis fans as much as the current crop of women tennis stars do.
When Steffi’s career ‘graf’ (sorry, graph) was showing an upward curve, a deranged fan of the German stabbed her main rival, Monica Seles, during one of their matches. Navratilova is still an active player on the mixed doubles circuit, and her India partner, Leander, has also realized that it ‘paes’ (sorry, pays) to play alongside the veteran champion.
While Capriati shows indifferent form whenever she attempts to make a comeback, Sanchez–Vicario and Martinez have already retired a few years ago. Among the current top seeds, Lindsay Davenport tries to focus her attention on the games, while an injury forced ‘Swiss Miss’ Martina Hingis out of competitive tennis pretty early in her career. Her comeback from premature retirement now ‘hingis’ (sorry hinges) on her fitness. Sabatini (who even had a fragrance named after her) elevated tennis to the status of Argentina’s second most–loved sport after soccer. She made her countrymen aware of the fact that they could now sit up, take notice of and even idolize another sporting sensation besides Diego Maradona.
For the current generation of female tennis stars, the Williams sisters are the torch–bearers, and they are now leading the way both on the tennis court as well as on the ramp.
Women may or may not be from Venus, but women’s tennis definitely starts from Venus Williams and her sister Serena. Apart from winning several Grand Slam titles between them, they have a keen sense of style, and can carry off whatever they wear both on and off the court, be it a simple t–shirt and skirt or a catsuit and a pair of boots. Both the Williams sisters have the physique to carry off anything they wear, and anything the two toned siblings don becomes a style statement.
Russian Anna Kournikova enjoyed a brief career as a tennis player (?), but made more waves on the ramp, in a music video and as the sports personality (?) with the most number of websites devoted to her and the maximum number of Google searches on the Internet. She also gradually lost interest in the game, and found her ‘rhythm divine’ in the arms of her hero, the Spanish pop hunk Enrique Iglesias. The one–time tennis tsarina, who never won a single Grand Slam title in her career, married the singer, who earned worldwide fame with his hit number ‘Bailamos’.
A number of other Russian beauties soon emerged onto the tennis scene (but fortunately, unlike Anna, they’re still active tennis players.) Some of these are Anastasia Myskina, Elena Dementieva and the 2004 Wimbledon champion, Maria Sharapova. To use a pun again, men who ‘love all’ of them are not at ‘fault’ at all, because all these lovely lasses from Russia are equally at ease serving up an ace on the tennis court as they are while catwalking down a ramp.
Europe has its fair share of female tennis champs too. The Belgians are a ‘hardenned’ (sorry, hardened) lot who turn up in ‘clijsters’ (sorry, clusters) to the tennis stands hoping that both Henin and Kim are not Justine (sorry just in) and just out. The French hope that their own champs, Amelie and Mary, pierce through the competition and win tennis’ version of the Oscars, that is, the Grand Slam tournaments. The French supporters pray that when their Mademoiselles are on fire, it does not end up in (Maure) smoke.
Leading the glamorous brigade closer to home is the Indian teenager, Sania Mirza. The nineteen year–old girl has already got a taste of the big, (Hydera) bad world of instant fame and all that comes with it, including endorsements. She is already one of the highest–paid female athletes in India and is the brand ambassador for a leading brand of tea and petrol.
Let’s hope all this hype and hoopla generated by the media about Sania does not go to her head (she is still at an impressionable age) and wean her away from tennis and into a more glamorous career in the movies a la her fellow Hyderabadi and famous namesake, model–turned–actress Diya Mirza.
But that holds true not only of Sania, but also of Venus, Serena, Sharapova, et al. I sincerely hope that sani (a) ty prevails in women’s tennis, and this ‘Grand Glam’ does not take away their focus from the real objective, that is winning Grand Slams. Let’s hope that nobody else chooses to go the Kournikova route to instant fame and stardom, and that all these women create a racket only on the tennis court, unlike Anna.

Can India win the World Cup in 2007?

2006-12-13T06:26:00.000-08:00

IS THIS THE WINNING COMBO?
By Akshay A. Kalbag
For the last 23 years, the status of World Cup champions has eluded India, even though we’ve been among the top teams in One-day Internationals and had some spectacular success at the premier event. On June 25, 1983, the then Indian captain Kapil Dev surprised the world and stunned the then defending champions, the West Indies (led by Clive Lloyd), by 43 runs in the final and proudly held aloft the Prudential World Cup trophy on the Lord’s balcony in England. This was the only time India won the tournament. However, two decades later, the Men in Blue, led by Sourav Ganguly, made it to the final in Johannesburg, South Africa, only to lose to Ricky Ponting’s all-conqering Australians by a huge margin of 125 runs. Without the aggressive leadership of Ganguly, who has fallen out of favour with the Indian selectors since then, does the incumbent combination of coach Greg Chappell and captain Rahul Dravid have it in them to inspire Team India to emulate the feat of Kapil’s Devils? Next year’s World Cup is in the West Indies, where India recently lost the One–day series 1-4 to a buoyant and young West Indies side led by veteran Brian Lara. The question on every Indian cricket aficionado’s mind now is: Is this the team that will bring us back the coveted trophy in 2007? This question will only be answered when India travels to the Caribbean islands in March next year to participate in the World Cup.

Should Sachin call it quits?

2006-12-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

IS IT REALLY THE END?
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
As arch–rivals India and Pakistan prepare to take on each other in the first of five one–day internationals tomorrow, it is clear that only one team will be able to hold their heads high and go to Peshawar with a lot of confidence and belief in its own ability. That team is the host country, Pakistan, led by their inspirational skipper, Inzamam ul–Haq.
As for the visitors, they have their tasks cut out, as they go into the one–dayers a defeated, demoralised side, woefully low on confidence. The Indian batting line–up, led by Rahul Dravid (who is also known as ‘The Wall’) and comprising stalwarts like Virender Sehwag (a.k.a. ‘The Nawab of Najafgarh’), V.V.S. Laxman (a.k.a. ‘Very Very Special’), Sachin Tendulkar (a.k.a. ‘The Master Blaster’), Sourav Ganguly (a.k.a. ‘The Prince of Kolkata’) and the young, raw, talented and exciting left–hander Yuvraj Singh, is considered one of the strongest batting line–ups in the world in recent times. But seeing the way they capitulated in the second innings of the Karachi Test last week, chasing a mammoth target of 607 runs, it is impossible to believe that this batting line–up has four of the biggest names in world cricket (Dravid, Laxman, Tendulkar and Ganguly), who collectively have almost a decade of experience of playing international cricket, have played over fifty Tests each and have scored thousands of runs between them. It took an awesome performance from the trio of Pakistani pacers–Shoaib Akhtar (who is known as the ‘Rawalpindi Express’), Mohammed Asif and Abdul Razzaq–to make the ‘Wall’ crumble, to turn the ‘Nawab of Najafgarh’ and the ‘Prince of Kolkata’ into paupers, to force the ‘Master Blaster’ to make ‘master blunders’, and to make Mr. ‘Very Very Special’ look ‘Very Very Silly’ at the crease. As for Yuvraj Singh, he unfortunately scored a ton in vain, but some credit definitely goes to him for holding one end up while wickets continued to fall like nine pins at the other end.
Sachin Tendulkar, in particular, was the biggest disappointment of them all. He is one of India’s most capped cricketers and has consistently been rated among the top five batsmen in the world for several years. A resident of Bandra, Mumbai, Tendulkar made his Test debut for India in the Pakistani port city of Karachi in 1989, when he was a curly–haired, sixteen year–old schoolboy. Though he did not immediately give proof of his immense talent in his maiden international appearance, the champion batsman eventually did stamp his class over bowling attacks the world over during a career that spanned over 16 years, scoring a staggering aggregate of over 23000 runs in international cricket, acquiring the nickname of ‘Master Blaster’ and a reputation for being a thorn in the flesh of even the best bowlers in the world. Between 1989 and 2006, he has gone on to set and break several batting records and become a living legend, a model of passion and commitment, an inspiration for the younger generation and an ambassador for his country and sport. Tendulkar, who is known to give his one hundred percent whenever he wears the Indian colours, is only one of five Indians to play one hundred or more Test matches for India, the others being Kapil Dev, Sunil Gavaskar, Dilip Vengsarkar and Anil Kumble.
But, he was, literally, on familiar territory last week, when he took on the Pakistanis at Karachi’s National Stadium in the third and final match of the three–Test series. Tendulkar, coming in to bat at number four, scored 23 in the first innings and 26 in the second. The only batsmen to offer some sort of resistance to the blistering pace of Shoaib Akhtar, Mohammed Asif and Abdul Razzaq were second innings century–maker Yuvraj Singh and India’s beleaguered former captain Sourav Ganguly, who got starts in both innings. This series was as important for Tendulkar’s future in international cricket as it was for that of Ganguly’s. But while Yuvraj continued to score runs at one end, in a bid to cement his place in the Indian Test side, wickets continued to fall at regular intervals at the other end. India soon slumped to a massive 341–run defeat in the only match of the series to end in a result. Pakistan won the match, and with it the series by a margin of 1-0.
It is not going to be easy for the cricket–crazy Indian fans to digest the fact that one of their favourite cricketing heroes is now a shadow of his former self, and is trying to regain both his form and fitness. Tendulkar is not getting any younger, and his two recent failures to bear the gargantuan weight of expectations and responsibilities on his shoulder is making India’s seniormost player open to severe criticism. However, as he is a vital cog in India’s formidable batting line–up, and is looking vulnerable at the moment, every passionate Indian now feels justified in expressing their hurt at being let down by the hero they idolise and hold in such high esteem, who has become a villain in their eyes due to his poor performances. It is upto Tendulkar now to silence his critics, who believe he is a spent force in international cricket, and prove them wrong by letting his bat do the talking as usual, and if he performs well in the one–day internationals, he will also be able to answer the crucial question which is on every Indian fan’s mind at the moment: ‘is it the beginning of the end of his glorious career?’ However, most cricket fans in India are hoping that the answer to that question is ‘no’. The ball is now in the veteran’s court!

Interview with Salman Khan

2006-12-13T06:23:00.000-08:00

In (a very rare) conversation with Salman Khan
By Akshay A. Kalbag
He’s known to keep reporters at an arm’s distance, and any mention of a reporter or an interview is known to bring out the bad side of the ‘shirtless blunder’ (sorry, wonder)!
But there are some journos who boldly attempt to go where no scribe has gone before. One such courageous interviewer recently caught up with Salman Khan. Here are some excerpts from this exclusive interview.
Reporter: Salman, it’s nice to see you fully dressed today.
Salman: Yeah, this is my first public appearance after the infamous tape controversy. I had to dress decently at least once. Besides, it’s a nice shirt isn’t it? It’s a parting gift from Ash.
Reporter: (Now that Salman has come to the point, the interviewer wants to freshen up, relax and wait for the actor to spill the beans) Where’s the bathroom?
Salman: it’s straight down the hall, then turn left and then right.
Reporter: Thanks! I’ll just join you in a minute, after a wash. (Returns almost as soon as he goes.)
Salman: Man, you’re quick! I know media guys who take their own time in the washroom, probably because they’re intimidated by the infamous Khan temper.
Reporter: I am not intimidated by your temper! It’s just that the taps don’t seem to be working.
Salman: Of course, they aren’t! Show me one tap of any kind that has any connection with me that’s working.
Reporter: Your phones have been tapped.
Salman: (Now beginning to lose his cool) Well, that’s the cops way of saying, ‘Hey, we’re doing something to expose the Bollywood–underworld nexus’. It’s an image thing, really!
Reporter: Fair enough, but you are no saint either!
Salman: Yeah, but bad guys have all the fun. Ask Abu Salem.
Reporter: Talking of Abu Salem, you seem to enjoy good relations with the don.
Salman: Of course I do. The police department has been hard on the poor guy. He’s as stainless as Salem steel.
Reporter: Get your facts right. He’s a wanted mafia don.
Salman: To the outside world, he’s a bhai, a gangster, but to me, he’s like a bhai, a brother.
Reporter: Is it this spirit of brotherhood that prompted you to take this step?
Salman: What step? (Feigning ignorance.)
Reporter: Your voice has been recorded threatening Aishwarya Rai.
Salman: Oh, the tapes.
Reporter: Yeah, the tapes in which you kept forcing her to do a show sponsored by Abu Salem and talking proudly about your connections with the don.
Salman: Those weren’t our voices. The cops, as I told you, got a bit carried away and taped our private conversations.
Reporter: It’s pretty public now. And, yeah, those were your voices.
(At this moment, Salman is about to take off his shirt, and as is typical of him, beat up the reporter.)
(Just then, the phone rings. It’s the don, Abu Salem, calling from his hideout in Portugal.)
Salem: Hi Sallu, kaisa hai?
Salman: Bas bhai, aap ki dua hai. Sab theek hai. Having a ‘blast’! How’s Monica (Bedi)?
Salem: She’s doing fine. But we can’t go out much these days. We’re always doing our things ‘chori chori chupke chupke’. By the way, how’s Katrina (Kaif)?
Salman: She’s OK. But I have been constantly asking myself one question: ‘Maine Pyar Kyon Kiya’?
Salem: Relax man! Everything will be OK.
Salman: Yeah I hope so too, bhai. Can’t see my private life end up in ‘ashes’ always. I hope this trouble ends soon.
Salem: OK, I’ll hang up now. Bye Salman, take care!
Salman: Bye bhai. Give my love to Monica. Take care.
(The reporter overhears the conversation, but pretends he hasn’t heard anything. He carries on with the interview.)
Reporter: What about the black buck case?
Salman: What black buck case?
Reporter: You shot an endangered species of deer called black buck a few years ago.
Salman: (Curses him.) Oh, I thought you meant the finance that comes into films, black money … black bucks, you know? The underworld finances several movies.
Reporter: Yeah I know that.
Salman: Well, I am out of trouble as far as poaching black bucks, running over people in a drunken state and making 41 calls to Vivek Oberoi is concerned.
Reporter: You sure must’ve had to cough up a huge bill for all that!
Salman: Dude, I am ‘lucky’ to have connections in all the right places. I thank them for bailing me out of this mess.
Reporter: Is your car still with the Bandra cops?
Salman: Yes. I was ‘cruising’ along, having had one too many to drink that night, and suddenly this crops up and takes me to the ‘cleaners’.
Reporters: Wasn’t it outside a bakery?
Salman: The bakery was next to American Express Cleaners. I ‘landed’ up there drunk, and mowed down a few guys who were sleeping on the steps in front of the bakery.
Reporters: And, what’s with the 41 calls to Vivek Oberoi?
Salman: Kyon, why are you hell–bent on bringing up the past. Bas, ab ho gaya na? He’s happy with Ash now.
Reporter: OK. Thanks for sparing such a lot of your valuable time and answering my questions. You showed remarkable patience.
Salman: (Now loses his cool.) And now, you’ll be a patient!
The reporter invited the wrath of the ‘banian’ Khan, and the Bollywood brat, as usual, obliged and let his mouth and fists do the talking, cursing and bashing up the journo. God bless the poor guy, as he is now recovering at a nearby hospital.
After the interview, for Salman, it’s time for his favourite sport–journo bashing! After all, ‘jazbaa ho andar, to dikhta hai baahar!’

England win in Mumbai

2006-12-13T06:22:00.000-08:00

England triumph in Tendulkar’s backyard
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
England has just won the third Test against India (and levelled the series at 1-1) at the Wankhede Stadium in Mumbai, which makes it the visitors’ first win in 21 years in India. The last time the Englishmen won a Test in India was in 1985, under the captaincy of David Gower. They came to India after losing a series in Pakistan, but that did not seem to affect their performance in the third Test against the Indians in Sachin Tendulkar’s hometown. In fact, the Englishmen ruthlessly outplayed the hosts in every department of the game with the same confidence that saw them emerge victorious in five series prior to their tour of the Indian sub–continent, including the Ashes triumph.
The tourists looked a depleted lot when they arrived in India minus the services of three of their key players–captain Michael Vaughan, left–arm spinner Ashley Giles and fast bowler Simon Jones. They faced two further blows when left–handed opening batsman Marcus Trescothick pulled out of the tour citing personal reasons and paceman Stephen Harmison was ruled out of the third Test with an injury. This forced England’s selectors to pick a younger, fitter side, led by all–rounder Andrew Flintoff. Flintoff, who is fast emerging as the successor to the legendary Ian Botham as a match–winner in his own right, with consistent performances with both the bat and the ball, had at his disposal the talents of a couple of players who were making their comebacks and a bunch of young lads who were wearing England colours for the first time in their careers. The selectors were justified in giving the careers of batsman Paul Collingwood and seamer James Anderson a new lease of life as they were back in the squad after a long gap. As for the fresh faces in the team, opener Alastair Cook, middle–order batsman Owais Shah and left–arm spinner Monty Panesar (the first Sikh to play Test cricket for England) also gave a good account of themselves by adjusting well to the tough Indian conditions and performing consistently.
The Mumbai Test commenced with Indian captain Rahul Dravid, playing in his hundredth Test match (thus becoming only the sixth Indian to play a hundred Tests) winning the toss and putting the visitors in to bat (a move which he would go on to rue later). Cashing on the opportunity, Flintoff’s side piled up a mammoth total of 400, before restricting the hosts to 279. A healthy first innings lead of 121, coupled with England’s second innings score of 191 meant that India had a day to spare and a huge target of 313 to chase. Resming on the fifth day of the Test at 18 for 1, India slumped to one of their most pathetic totals ever-100 all out. England won the match by a comfortable margin of 212 runs. As far as appearances are concerned, there were personal milestones for Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar (who was playing in his 132nd Test match on his home ground, making him the highest–capped Indian cricketer), but the two senior cricketers in the Indian side had nothing memorable to take back from this match. Sachin Tendulkar was, in fact, booed off the pitch by the noisy Mumbai crowd because of his prolonged bad patch. He was also bogged down by injuries in the last couple of years and has, since then, been woefully short of confidence. The ‘Master Blaster’, as Tendulkar is known, will take no part in the one–day internationals that follow this three–Test series. While his team–mates battle it out in a series of seven one–dayers against England, Tendulkar will spend the next couple of months recuperating from the injuries that have been plaguing him off–late. The ace batsman, who incidentally top–scored with 34 out of India’s paltry total of 100 in the second innings, will now proceed to London, where he will undergo surgery.
The question in the minds of his countless fans, and indeed the entire nation, is: will Sachin Tendulkar make a comeback and overcome his poor run of form, or is it the end of yet another glorious era in Indian cricket? Hopefully, the champion batsman will be able to answer that with consistent scores in his forthcoming innings, rather than signalling the abrupt end of his international career.

Cricket Sans Frontiers

2006-12-13T06:20:00.000-08:00

CRICKET SANS FRONTIERS
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
‘Cricket sans frontiers’ is an honest attempt to unite the two cricketing powerhouses of the sub–continent, India and Pakistan. The two neighbouring countries are separated only by a man–made border. Both India and Pakistan have a unique blend of traditions and cultures of their own, but the opportunities for the two countries to have any fruitful (and peaceful) exchanges and interactions have been few, because of the strained relations between them that have existed for almost six decades. Cricket is a great leveller, and it will help bridge the gap and unite the people of the two countries, who share a common passion for the sport.
A cricket match between India and Pakistan, be it a Test match or a one–day international, has always been an eagerly anticipated and very exciting event. If the rivalry between the two teams on the field and the frenzied support of the fans of the two teams is intense, the camaraderie between them off it always provides the most interesting details to feature writers and makes for some of the most endearing sights in world cricket. A joint Indo–Pak cricket team may or may not be able to give the world champions, Australia, a run for their money, but they would certainly be a force to reckon with on the international cricket scene.
Modern–day cricket is highly demanding and strenuous, and cricketers have very tough and hectic schedules. They are bogged down by their commitments right through the year, so it is not uncommon for a player to miss a match or a series due to injury. This joint Indo–Pak dream team also has its fair share of injuries to key players. Indian opener Virender Sehwag and off–spinner Harbhajan Singh are nursing injuries to their shoulder and finger respectively, while Pakistani all–rounder Shahid Afridi and fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar are suffering from injuries to their rib cage and ankle respectively. Before we embark upon the task of selecting our final fourteen–member squad to represent the joint Indo–Pak dream team, let us begin by commenting on the four players that have been left out of the squad on account of injuries.
Virender Sehwag, nicknamed ‘the Nawab of Najafgarh’, is known to ‘milk’ the bowling and get the ‘Men in Blue’ off to a flying start in both forms of the game. Viru goes after the bowling right from the first ball of the Indian innings, and is doing a fine job of ‘shouldering’ the responsibility of opening the batting for India. To put it poetically, not too long ago, when India’s top order was back in the pavilion, we could not expect the Indian tail to wag, but now the bowlers are (Vi) rendered impotent, thanks to the fireworks at the top of the order by Sehwag. He is also a useful part–time off–spinner to boot, and the captain can bring him on to send down a few overs when a big partnership is threatening to take the game away from his team. He has a safe pair of hands and excellent hand–eye co–ordination as well.
Punjab’s ace off–spinner, Harbhajan Singh, has always been perceived as rebellious and cocky, and has been in the bad books of the establishment ever since he made his international debut. He may not be a Muttiah Muralitharan, but Bhajji’s ‘doosra’ has many opposition batters doing the ‘Bhangra’, as Steve Waugh’s Australians, who toured India in 2001, would readily testify. Harbhajan is known for showing the finger to figures of authority in Indian and international cricket administration on more than once occasion, but his finger is not in good shape to unleash his lethal off–breaks. To add insult to injury, his form in the recent Test series against Pakistan has also been very pedestrian. Indian fans are sing (h) ing har bhajan that they know so that the offie returns to form and regains his fitness.
Bowlers the world over are afraid of Shahid Afridi. The Pakistani all–rounder has been shunted up and down the batting order several times in his career, and slogging is his natural game. Already a senior member of the Pakistani squad, his booming fours and sixes are a source of delight for the crowd and a cause of worry for the opposition captain and his team. The prodigious talent of Afridi was first seen at a game in Nairobi where he hit the fastest hundred in one–day internationals. Nobody dares to ‘rib’ the aggressive youngster about his lack of technique. He is a safe fielder and a partnership–breaking leg–spin bowler as well.
Speed may be Shoaib Akhtar’s forte, but like the aforementioned trio of Messrs. Sehwag, Harbhajan and Afridi, the Pakistani ace of pace also loves to be constantly in the spotlight, whether it be for his deeds on the fields or for his misdemeanours off it. He has had long lay–offs due to injury and could have had several more international appearances for Pakistan, had he kept his penchant for rubbing people the wrong way in check. Shoaib is one of the Pakistani bowlers who fell foul of the International Cricket Council’s rules regarding a suspect bowling action a few years ago, and though he subsequently had his name cleared, the tag of ‘chucker’ is still apparently attached to him and seems to resurface every now and then. Here’s wishing the Pakistani fast bowling spearhead a ‘speedy’ recovery. Until then, it would be good if the ‘Rawalpindi Express’, who is currently derailed because of a fractured ankle, lands a job with a courier company, so that he can continue to deliver the goods at an express pace.
Having said that, these four players are stars in their own right and their tremendous spirit makes the game interesting. The joint Indo–Pak dream team will appear to be incomplete without this quartet of larger–than–life personalities, as each one of them is also a great character and a phenomenal match–winner.
The men who have made it to the final fourteen are: Rahul Dravid (captain), Mahendra Singh Dhoni (wicket–keeper), Irfan Pathan, Mohammed Kaif, Anil Kumble, Sachin Tendulkar, Yuvraj Singh and Zaheer Khan (all from India), Kamran Akmal (wicket–keeper), Inzamam ul–Haq, Shoaib Malik, Abdul Razzaq, Younis Khan (vice–captain) and Mohammed Yousuf (all from Pakistan).
Each of the fourteen players can be critically evaluated as follows:
Rahul Dravid (captain, India): The Bangalorean, known as ‘the Wall’, is also one of Team India’s seniormost cricketers at present. He is one of the most humble cricketers to don the Indian national colours. He also enjoys the respect of his colleagues and opponents alike, because he is able to balance the two roles (leading batsman and captain of the Indian side) well and not get bogged down by the happenings off the field. He has taken over the reins of captaincy when the team was going through a difficult phase, which highlights the fact that he is willing to take responsibility and serve his team in any capacity. Dravid, with his rock–solid defence and sound batting technique, is the ideal batsman to bail his team out of a crisis. He usually bats at number three, which is one of the most important positions in the batting order. A good fielder, Dravid has also kept wicket for India in one–day internationals.
Younis Khan (vice–captain, Pakistan): Younis, who is the vice–captain of the Pakistani cricket team, recently led Pakistan (in the absence of their regular skipper Inzamam ul–Haq) to a famous victory in the third Test against India at Karachi, and has been a thorn in the Indian flesh for a long time with his gritty batting and ability to occupy the crease for a long period of time to play a big innings when the team needs it the most.
Kamran Akmal (wicket–keeper, Pakistan): Akmal is a doughty character who keeps wickets to the fearsome pace attack of Pakistan, and has been in splendid form with the bat throughout the recently–concluded Test series against India.
Sachin Tendulkar (India): No adjective will fully justify the enormous talent that the ‘Master Blaster’ has. He has been on the international scene for over sixteen years, and has broken several batting records along the way, including the maximum number of centuries in both forms of the game. Making a comeback after a long lay–off due to his tennis elbow injury, Tendulkar has recently been under fire from certain sections of the media in India. The critics carped about his performances in the recent Test series against Pakistan and doubted his ability to contribute significantly (read: score a century) to the country’s cause when it mattered the most, but he let his bat do the talking and has silenced them with good knocks in all the three one–day internationals so far. Like the rest of his Indian team–mates, he is still the top celebrity in the country when it comes to endorsing products. When the ‘Bombay Bomber’ is not on the cricket field, he can be seen making appearances in television commercials on every channel, in his avatar as the brand ambassador for every product under the sun, be it colas, cars or tyres.
Shoaib Malik (Pakistan): His bowling action (he is an off–spinner), which is alleged to be suspect, is under intense scrutiny, but the Pakistani all–rounder has proved to be India’s nemesis for a long time with the willow. However, that has not stopped Malik from finding love on the other side of the border (his wife happens to be an Indian.) He has been in great form in the ongoing one–dayers against India.
Inzamam ul–Haq (Pakistan): His running between the wickets is the stuff of legend. Inzy’s nickname ‘aloo’ (potato) was given to him by an Indian supporter. However the burly Pakistani captain was recently criticised for his ignorance of the law, when he admitted that he did not know the rule according to which he was given out obstructing the field during the first one–dayer against India at Peshawar. Despite the controversy he created, he still remains a laid–back character. He is however, worth his weight in gold as far as batting is concerned. One of the all–time greats of world cricket and the ‘Mr. Dependable’ of the Pakistani side, Inzamam does not seem to be affected by any sort of pressure and remains cool even when his team is in trouble.
Mohammed Yousuf (Pakistan): Yousuf perfectly epitomises the spirit of ‘cricket sans frontiers’ because of his recent conversion from Christianity to Islam. The elegant Pakistani right–hander, formerly known as Yousuf Youhana, has proved that a change in religion and a change of name do not have any bearing on his stylish batting. He will however have to fight for a place in the overcrowded middle–order of this team, which comprises such names as Rahul Dravid, Younis Khan, Shoaib Malik and Inzamam ul–Haq.
Yuvraj Singh (India): The Punjab southpaw was the only player to offer any sort of resistance to the Pakistani pacers (Shoaib Akhtar, Abdul Razzaq and Mohammed Asif) and scored a ton in the third Test at Karachi, which Pakistan comfortably won. He has developed into a mature and responsible batsman and is an asset to the Indian middle–order. Yuvraj is also one of the best fielders in the Indian side, and is among the quickest runners between the wickets. He is also a useful part–time left–arm spinner.
Mohammed Kaif (India): No Indian fan would have forgotten Kaif’s heroics against England in the NatWest Trophy final at Lord’s in 2002, when he and Yuvraj Singh scored half–centuries to bail India out of a hole and successfully chase the monumental target of 326. The middle–order batsman and brilliant fielder, who hails from Allahabad in Uttar Pradesh, has not yet cemented his place in the Indian Test side, but he is a regular member of the one–day team.
Abdul Razzaq (Pakistan): One of the three all–rounders in the Pakistani side (besides Shahid Afridi and Shoaib Malik), Razzaq adds balance to the team because he is a gutsy, hard–hitting batsman who can bat at any position in the batting order and a medium–pace bowler who has the uncanny knack of taking wickets and breaking partnerships. He is another batsman who has enjoyed great success against the Indian bowling attack. He is a safe fielder as well.
Mahendra Singh Dhoni (wicket–keeper, India): The Indian wicket–keeper’s popularity across the border has increased, thanks to his knock of 72 in the third one–dayer at the Gaddafi Stadium at Lahore, which India won. The Jharkhand stumper, who will have to compete with his Pakistani counterpart Kamran Akmal for a place in the squad, is a crowd–puller, thanks to his long locks and his ‘dhulaai’ of the bowlers, even when half the team has been dismissed. If you ask the hapless Pakistani bowlers on that eventful night at Lahore, MS (‘The Master of Slog’) Dhoni could very well be associated with the catchy tagline that is associated with soap commercials: ‘Dhoni ne dho daala!’
Irfan Pathan (India): At this point, it would be unwise for the Indian media to label the young Baroda left–arm pace bowler ‘the next Kapil Dev’. India’s new pin–up boy, Irfan has played a few crucial knocks for India in both Tests and one–day internationals, but it is his swing bowling, rather than his batting, that he has to work harder on. He is only 21 years old, and still has a long way to go. If he consistently bowls as well as he is doing now, and also contributes with the bat, besides working hard on his fitness and fielding, there is no stopping Irfan from becoming Team India’s top all–rounder in the years to come.
Anil Kumble (India): The second man to achieve the feat of ten wickets in an innings after Jim Laker, Kumble’s feat was doubly special as it came against arch–rivals Pakistan at the Ferozeshah Kotla in Delhi. ‘Jumbo’, as he is known, is the highest wicket–taker for India in Tests. This is no mean feat, considering his detractors often claim that the veteran Indian leg–spinner does not turn the ball as much as other leggies do. His experience will be useful in bolstering the spin attack of this side.
Zaheer Khan (India): Zaheer Khan is the third prong of this joint Indo–Pak dream team’s three–man fast bowling attack, along with Irfan Pathan and Abdul Razzaq. He has been plagued by injuries and poor form in the past couple of seasons, which has seen him miss out on several tours. This tour of Pakistan is the perfect opportunity for Zaheer to regain his rhythm and make his comeback into the Indian team after a long lay–off. The Baroda seamer is one amongst many left–arm bowlers capped by India in the past few years, including Irfan Pathan, Ashish Nehra and Rudra Pratap Singh.
The sound of the bat hitting the ball will, one day, emerge as the sweetest music to the ears of the people of both India and Pakistan. Let us hope that this joint Indo–Pak dream team helps both the countries realise their dream of living in harmony and enjoying amicable relations.

Chappell's e-mails to Indian players

2006-12-13T06:19:00.000-08:00

CHAPPELL’S E–MAILS TO HIS BOYS
By Akshay A. Kalbag
Ever since former Australian captain Greg Chappell took over from former Kiwi skipper John Wright as India’s coach, things have gone (w) right for the Indian side and horribly wrong for Sourav Ganguly. The left–hander was left out of the squad, which meant that an era of Dadagiri had come to an end. The Prince of Kolkata had been reduced to a pauper, and for once, the Bengal tiger had stopped roaring and started mewing like an old cat that had been discarded in favour of a team of younger, fitter and more loyal lions, with the passion to perform and the determination to win at all costs. Relations have sour (av) ed between Greg and Gone–guly, thanks to the controversial e–mail the coach wrote to the Board, in which he criticised the former Indian captain. This e–mail was leaked in the media, causing a furore, and all of a sudden, it did not seem as if all was well at the Garden of Eden. Former BCCI president Jagmohan Dalmiya, who manipulated the funds of the Board of Control for Cricket in India, is now fighting an intense legal battle. However seeing Dalmiya’s callous attitude and lack of accountability in the functioning of the Board during his tenure as the Board president, it should have been renamed ‘Bored of Control for Cricket in India’. His successor, Sharad Pawar is a ‘pawar’ful politician from Baramati, who also serves as the Minister for Agriculture and Food Supplies in India’s union government. The third change was the appointment of Ganguly’s long–time deputy, Rahul Dravid, as the captain of the Indian cricket team. Sources within the team may not be very reliable, but they claim that Chappell still occasionally sends the players an e–mail, telling them what he feels about them, without mincing any words, in a manner that only Greg can. Here are the excerpts of the e–mails he sent the entire squad. He has also found a way to play on the name of his bete noire, Ganguly, in every e-mail that he has sent his boys.
E–mail # 1:
From: Greg Chappell
To: Rahul Dravid
Hi Rahul!
You’ve done a fantastic job since taking over the responsibility of leading the Indian side, mate! The boys are young, fit and raring to go, and after the initial hiccups, have come back very strongly in the past few months to win series against Sri Lanka, South Africa, Pakistan and England. Skipper, I am not into poetry at all, but you are ‘the Wall’, as you always stand tall and have a ball, even as wickets at the other end fall! But mate, you got to remember one thing for once and for all, and that is, when you go out for the toss, please take the right call. And oh yeah, by the way, I don’t regret making Sourav feel small! You’ve got several reasons to feel satisfied with the performance of the boys, Rahul!
Greg.
E–mail # 2:
From: Greg Chappell
To: Sachin Tendulkar
Hi Sachin!
You’ve been in the side for about 17 years now, and you are a great asset to this Indian team, whether it is with the bat, the ball or in the field, or just as a team man, motivating the young guys in ‘Team India’. We’ve already given Dada the cold shoulder, but what I am really worried about is your health. You have scored tons of runs in the past 17 seasons, but I fear you may not be able to elbow out the oppositions as effectively and single–handedly as you would in the past even after you are fully fit. I hope it does not mean a case of ‘Sach in, Sach out’ when you walk out into the middle. However, I want you to remember that you ‘ad’ (I mean add) great value to the side, thanks to the numerous product endorsements you do. Sachin, your body is a national treasure, and we don’t want it to go to ‘waist’. When you finally get well and are ready for a come ‘back’, you will have to ‘shoulder’ the additional responsibility (along with Rahul, of course) of inspiring and instilling confidence into a bunch of ‘hip’ youngsters. Get well soon, Sachin!
Greg.
E–mail # 3:
From: Greg Chappell
To: Anil Kumble; V.V.S. Laxman; Zaheer Khan; Ashish Nehra; L. Balaji
Hi Anil, Laxman, Zaheer, Ashish and Balaji,
The five of you are still in my scheme of things. Please make no mistake about that. While Kumble’s ‘googlies’ will continue to bamboozle batsmen (as well as fox me, because I do not understand what he is bowling, to be very honest), Laxman should stop being a lax man and work harder on his fielding (though he is still a very very stylish batsman in my opinion.) As for Zaheer, Nehra and Balaji, injuries have taken their toll on your bodies, and newer, fitter and faster bowlers have made their debuts and done pretty well so far, thanks to your lack of fitness. But I still think all you guys have a bright future ahead, and there’s no need to be Souravful (sorry, sorrowful)! In fact, keep smiling, like Balaji always does.
Greg.
E–mail # 4:
From: Greg Chappell
To: Virender Sehwag; Yuvraj Singh; Mohammed Kaif; Gautam Gambhir
Hi Viru, Yuvi, Kaif and Gautam,
You guys are the young turks of the team, and you have been entrusted with the task of infusing fresh enthusiasm in the team. Viru and Kaif, it is undoubtedly nice to have young legs in the side like yours, but what worries me most is the bad patch that the two of you have been going through for the past couple of series. Viru, you are the vice–captain of Team India, and you have to ensure that the team gets off to a flying start as you are also an opening batsman. You have to dominate right from the word ‘go’ because your regular opening partner Sachin, whose batting style (and poor form in recent times) you have emulated, is injured, and also because Ganguly does not exactly make me feel very gung ho. Please pull up your socks! The same goes for Kaif, who has been walking out to the crease in the last few matches and catwalking back to the pavilion very quickly, much like that other Kaif (Katrina.) As for Yuvraj, you are in good nick, and you just have to ensure that you maintain it for the crunch matches coming up later in the season. You are a brilliant fielder and a useful part–time left–arm slow bowler too, and those are as much assets as your batting and your infectious enthusiasm. Gautam, it is high time you also became a little bit more ‘gambhir’ about your batting, mate! Good luck, guys!
Greg.
E–mail # 5:
From: Greg Chappell
To: Irfan Pathan; Harbhajan Singh; Mahendra Singh Dhoni
Hi Irfan, Bhajji and Dhoni,
The future of ‘Team India’ rests as much on your young shoulders as it does on those of Virender Sehwag, Mohammed Kaif, Yuvraj Singh and Gautam Gambhir, and also on those of the newcomers like Suresh Raina, S. Sreesanth, Ramesh Powar, Robin Utthappa, Venugopal Rao, V.R.V. Singh, Rudra Pratap Singh, Munaf Patel and the relatively experienced campaigners, Ajit Agarkar and Murali Kartik, who have been in and out of the side in recent times. All these guys are very much in my plans for the future. It is upto you to be the architects involved in rebuilding ‘Team India’. Coming back to the main point of writing to you guys, I must admit I am impressed with the way you take both your roles (cricketers and youth icons) very seriously. I hope you guys continue to rock on over a long period of time! While Dada has been shown the door, several doors have opened for you to display your talent. Dhoni, please bear in mind that while endorsement offers for hair oil and shampoo may come your way, I hope you do not let it go to your head. Irfan, you have the ability to bowl maiden overs with your swing bowling and bowl the maidens over with your batting, fielding and, of course, good looks. Harbhajan, I am your mentor and as long as you have the ball in your hand, I sincerely hope you will always continue to be the turbaned tormentor and have a ball! Keep up the good work, boys!
Greg.
Chappell surely hopes these e–mail messages work wonders to improve the confidence of his boys. But one thing is clear: he has not quite been able to get former India captain Sourav Ganguly out of his mind yet. And from the looks of it, it does not appear that that will happen. After all, Dada, India’s most successful Test captain ever, has been giving Greg sleepless nights right from the outset!

India's Caribbean Debacle

2006-12-13T06:18:00.000-08:00

CARIBBEAN DEBACLE BEHIND INDIA, HOPEFULLY
By: Akshay A. Kalbag
India’s next One-day series is just around the corner. Coach Greg Chappell, captain Rahul Dravid and the rest of the squad must now put this summer’s disastrous tour of the West Indies (where India lost four of the five One-dayers) behind them, and approach the forthcoming triangular series in Sri Lanka with utmost seriousness.
The return of the Indian cricket team’s elder statesman, Sachin Tendulkar, after a long injury lay-off is a big boost for the side, as his considerable experience would not only help solve India’s opening woes, but also prove handy in the bowling department, as he, along with Virender Sehwag and the surprise inclusion Dinesh Mongia – who is also making his comeback after a gap – are useful partnership-breaking part-time spin bowlers. Mongia, a good fielder to boot, has been recalled to the Indian side after a string of consistent performances for Leicestershire in the English County Championship. Another comeback man is the Mumbai all-rounder Ajit Agarkar – one of the two fast bowling all-rounders in the side, the other being Irfan Pathan. Agarkar’s performances in the One-day International series in the Caribbean in June were outstanding. The form of captain Dravid and left-hander (and ace fielder) Yuvraj Singh has always been quite consistent, and the Indians will be hoping that the enthusiastic young fast bowler S. Sreesanth will be at his lively best, as he was on the West Indies tour.
It is disappointing and a major blow to note that India’s experienced leg-spinner Anil Kumble and middle-order batsman V.V.S. Laxman have been ignored. The two veterans are considered good enough to play Test cricket for India, but, unfortunately, the selectors continue to overlook them for the shorter version of the game, even though their experience could prove to be valuable assets in the build-up to the World Cup, to be held in March-April 2007 in the West Indies, which is the ultimate goal for Team India under the leadership of the Chappell-Dravid duo. Both Kumble and Laxman are proven performers at the international level, and it is because of their class and commitment that the two thirty-something cricketers, match-winners in their own right, will be conspicuous by their absence. The form of paceman Pathan and dashing wicket-keeper/batsman Mahendra Singh Dhoni has dipped since the home series earlier this season against England, which is worrisome. In the absence of Kumble, the spin department lacks variety, and the responsibility falls on the shoulders of two off-spinners – Harbhajan Singh and the relatively inexperienced Ramesh Powar, who is also a useful lower-order batsman – and the part-time tweakers, Tendulkar, Sehwag, Mongia and Yuvraj. The batting form of two of India’s best fielders, Mohammed Kaif and Suresh Raina, has been pretty inconsistent off-late, and the fast bowling department lacks experience in the absence of the likes of Zaheer Khan (who is the overseas player for Worcestershire in the English County Championship this season), Ashish Nehra and Laxmipathy Balaji. It is still early days in the careers of the young trio of Sreesanth, Munaf Patel and Rudra Pratap Singh, who will shoulder the onus of fast bowling honours along with Agarkar and Pathan.
It is a huge opportunity for the young players in the Indian side, who make up more the half the squad, to get some well-needed exposure at the highest level and prove their meetle against the hosts Sri Lanka and the third team in the tournament, South Africa – both quality oppositions – and their performances will go a long way in determining the members of the eventual squad that will travel to the West Indies for the most prestigious One-day tournament – the World Cup – next year. India have beaten the Sri Lankans and the South Africans in the One-day series held last year in India, playing the formidable Sri Lankans at home is a different kettle of fish as they are lions on their own pitches. The Muttiah Muralitharan factor is also a stiff challenge, as the slow pitches in Colombo will suit Sri Lanka’s ace off-spinner, who is currently in red-hot form. While the Indian batsmen will have to come up with a plan to counter the champion from Kandy, the bowlers will have to formulate a foolproof strategy to rein in the maruading trio of Sanath Jayasuriya, captain Mahela Jayawardene and Kumar Sangakkara, who are batting like gods in their own backyard.
As for the South Africans, the longer they continue to struggle, the better it would be for the teams from the subcontinent to improve their chances prior to next year’s mega-event in the Caribbean.

Bar Bar Lagataar

2006-12-13T06:16:00.000-08:00

Bar Bar Lagataar
By Akshay A. Kalbag
Recently, four distinct personalities from different professions found themselves in the news for the same reason–the Maharashtra government’s crackdown on Mumbai’s bar–girls. These bar–girls used to dance to Bollywood numbers (and the rustle of notes that their customers used to so generously shower upon them) in the dance bars. They came down from the city of dreams from their villages and were soon forced (both by poverty and by the people who ran these sleazy establishments) to gyrate in front of portly, middle–aged men (mostly) and sell their souls (and flesh) to the devil in exchanges for wads of money.
The person who vowed to make life miserable for these young girls was R.R. Patil. The man is going through a serious identity crisis–he is not able to juggle his roles and responsibilities as a senior Nationalist Congress Party (NCP) leader, the deputy Chief Minister of Maharashtra and the Minister holding the important Home portfolio in the state government. Apart from that, he is also trying to play Big Brother and keep a watch on all the immoral activities going on in the city in the name of night life. The new moral policeman is on the lookout for any sleazy business, and for that he can be rightly renamed Bar Bar Patil.
The second character in the dance bar drama is a woman with a lot of ill–gotten wealth, and hence Patil’s sworn enemy. Tarannum Khan, who became the blue–eyed (bar)girl of both the customers at Deepa Bar in Vile Parle and the Mumbai tabloid press recently, is a crorepati bargirl. Raids on her premises and closet revealed evidence of her alleged links with the underworld, Bollywood actors and cricketers, apart from the dance bar regulars like small–time businessmen etc. The well–known fact that ‘all are equal in the eyes of the law’ was proved when Tarannum was arrested and locked up in the same prison cell where starlet Pretti Jaiin was in custody. Wonder what Jaiin (who accused film–maker Madhur Bhandarkar of rape) and Tarannum spoke about in the lock up!
As for the third party, he is a Bollywood veteran known more for playing second fiddle to the leading man in several movies and his infamous temper tantrums off –screen that his meaningful contribution to the much–maligned industry (ahem, what’s that?) Yes friends, the media and the cops are trying to figure out the answer to an important question which could provide a vital clue that will help solve this matter: ‘Aditya Pans–choli ke peeche, aage, oopar, neeche kya hai?’ Any answers?
As for the fourth angle in this tale, the person in question is none other than Sri Lankan off–spinner Muttiah Muralitharan. He may be having the second–highest number of Test wickets to his name, but Tarannum Khan, by no means, is the ace bowler’s prized scalp. In fact, the spin king is as confused about his name cropping up in this connection as batsmen are while trying to play his ‘doosra’. Murali is well and truly on a sticky wicket now, because as it is, he was dealing with allegations of chucking and was no–balled several times on a tour to Australia. The ace offie may prefer turning tracks, but with the way events are turning, the Kandy man is sure to have some very bitter memories.
Give all these people a break, folks! As for Muralitharan, an off–break would do well to rejuvenate him.

Au revoir, Lance!

2006-12-13T06:05:00.000-08:00

Au revoir, Lance!
By Akshay A. Kalbag
A hero, an inspiration, a symbol of hope, a champion, a survivor–the seven–time Tour de France champion, cyclist Lance Armstrong is all of these and more rolled into one.
The 33–year–old Texan has overcome tremendous physical, mental and emotional odds to overcome the most demanding test of endurance not once, not twice, not thrice, not four times, not five times, not six times, but believe it or not, seven consecutive times between 1999 and 2005.
This is not a farewell speech in honour of the amazing Armstrong, but it is, in fact, a tribute to the man who overcame cancer and showed awesome power and seemingly unlimited stamina to wear the coveted “maillot jaune” (yellow jersey) seven times in a row.
When he was diagnosed with testicular cancer and was given less than half a chance of survival, he underwent surgery and aggressive chemotherapy and bounced back in the extraordinary style expected of a true champion.
That was the same year he signed up for the Cofidis team. He represented Cofidis for one year and left them in 1997 under a cloud. The other low point of Armstrong’s life was his split from his wife in 2003.
But the ‘crow’ning glory of his personal life came in 2004 when he started dating rock singer Sheryl Crow. That year, he also won the Tour de France for the sixth straight time, beating the previous record of five set by Frenchmen Jacques Anquetil and Bernard Hinault, Belgian Eddy Merckx and Miguel Indurain of Spain.
On 24 July 2005, Armstrong won his seventh Tour de France, representing Discovery Channel (he was a member of the US Postal team from 1997 until last year.)
His strong arms (excuse the pun!) and legs bear ample proof of Armstrong’s tremendous physical stamina.
The end of Lance’s career marks the end of an era. With no clear successor, the American leaves behind a rich legacy (or should I say, an ‘ull’ rich one) which was full of dramatic events and a memorable comeback.
It will be a Herculean task to fill the boots of the legendary Lance. As the father of three now prepares to hang up his bicycle, it will also be the beginning of a new era in the history of the Tour, which dates back to 1903.
So who will succeed Armstrong on the Tour that has been dubbed ‘Tour de Lance’ since 1999? This is the question to which his closest rivals, Italian Ivan Basso and Germany’s Jan Ullrich (who were in second and third place respectively at this year’s Tour de France), and others will have to find an answer.
Au revoir, Lance, and in the words of the champ himself, ‘Vive le Tour, forever!’

A DEBUTANT DRIVER’S DIARY

2006-12-13T02:39:00.000-08:00

A DEBUTANT DRIVER’S DIARY

By Akshay A. Kalbag

I aspire to be on the road someday, and I hope that happens very soon. Before someone reads this and wonders whether I am some aimless vagabond with low ambitions, let me clarify that I aspire to be on the road to success and progress someday, and I hope that happens very soon.

Prior to taking the decision to enrol myself in a motor driving school here in Oman, my only experience of driving was … well, driving people crazy. My desire to drive (a car) was born out of two needs–firstly, the need to commute to and from work at an unearthly hour of the day (read: the wee hours of the morning, when most citizens of this peaceful city are still catching up on their forty winks), and secondly, the need to also be armed with an additional qualification–a driving licence–which, more often than not, assumes as much, if not more, importance as a passport for a person residing in this part of the world.

Thus, in my quest to mobilise myself, I got acquainted with a gentleman who, unfortunately, did not understand English too well, and obviously, did not know what he was up against before he took up the challenging task of teaching me the fundamentals of driving. One warm Tuesday morning in June, this ‘angel’ appeared at my doorstep and introduced himself to me as the man under whose guidance I would soon be able to at least stand on my own feet … well, not exactly, but definitely to drive up on my own set of wheels, at some point in the near future. I accompanied him, armed with my learners’ licence (the ‘blue book’, as it is popularly known), and learnt the alphabet backwards during my first lesson. The car had a manual transmission, so I had to grapple with the CBA of motoring (that is, clutch, brake and accelerator.) I was nervous to begin with, but I was raw and eager to learn. I struggled a bit with the accelerator initially, but then I quickly overcame the shaky start and got the hang of driving. I also cautiously manoeuvred the gears, resisting the temptation to drive too fast or too slow, and remained calm and composed, as if I had been in the driver’s seat for ages.

Well, I went through the most thrilling experience of my life during my maiden driving lesson, and I am pretty sure I feel the same way as all of you who are mobile felt on your own debuts as drivers, and all those who plan to learn driving in the future will feel when they procced towards ‘Mission Driving Licence.’